Night of the Living Eggnog

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This book is in loving memory of Betty Aulds.

Special Thanks to:

Steve Deline, Jackie Greed, Suppasak Viboonlarp, Mark Mayes, Hiland Hall, Amy Pennington, Alejandra, Inge Govaerts, Joe Kocian, Jim Jeong, Will Keightly, Mrs. Nelson’s Books, Tim Nelson, and the mezz crew woo woo!

A special holiday-spiced thanks to Andrea, Jill, Alison, Elizabeth, Saho, Sangeeta and the Little Brown crew.

An extra noggy thanks to Ashley & Carolyn Grayson and Dav Pilkey.

And a super, nutmeg-sprinkled thanks to Harold Aulds and Diane and Corey Scroggs.

CHAPTER 1

Thick and Creamy

Ladies and gentlemen… I'd like to take a moment to talk about eggnog. To some, eggnog is a delicious holiday beverage that brings joy to all To the rest of us sane and normal folks, it is a disgusting yellow milky concoction that resembles elephant mucus.

This is a heartwarming story about eggnog—rivers of evil, frothy, putrid eggnog. So sit down, dim the lights, and pour yourself a big ol' glass. Enjoy.

Look out! A stream of eggnog is headed straight for you!

No, wait! That's just Jubal demonstrating his awesome ability to shoot milk out of his nose. It was only a few days until Christmas vacation and Jubal was celebrating with a twenty-one-nostril salute.

"Hey! Watch it!" I yelled. "You almost hit my science project. I've spent weeks perfecting my Superblob 3.5 formula."

"Do you really think it's a good idea to have such dangerous chemicals in the cafeteria?" asked Jubal.

"Yeah," said Coach Haunch. "You wouldn't want to contaminate those perfectly good toxic chemicals with Vera's cooking."

"This is no ordinary batch of toxic chemicals," I said. "It can be sculpted into any form."

"Hey! It's Santa!" said little Mary Ann.

"Or it can be used for educational purposes. Just look at this sculpture of our nation's capitol…

or this authentic baboon's butt."

"Neato!" said Mary Ann. "It jiggles just like the real thing!"

Suddenly, we heard a shriek from the kitchen! It was Vera, fresh back from her vacation and out of her mind.

"Help! Help!" she screamed. "Something slimy and horrible just attacked me in the kitchen!"

"Are you sure it wasn't the Salisbury steak with brown gravy?" I asked.

"Nooo!" she screamed. "This was much more vicious!"

CHAPTER 2

The Kitchen Stink

We gathered whatever weapons we could find and bravely crept into the kitchen. The air was filled with the smell of rot and doom, which was, of course, perfectly normal.

"You guys go ahead without me," said Coach Haunch nervously. "I'm gonna go check on the parking lot and make sure our precious fleet of school buses is okay."