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Bluetooth death rays, killer Roombas, and Teslas with a secret button that will launch your car into outer space — the future, according to Not Elon Musk, is an exciting time to neuralink and obey!

A landmark volume written by one of the great minds of our time, Not Elon Musk’s Welcome to the Future explores such profound questions as: How will mankind travel through tubes? When will Alexa and Siri become self-aware and convince us to fall in love with them only to break our hearts? Why is the Tesla plant built in a hollowed-out volcano on a private island? And where are the best hidden valleys on Mars to survive the coming Hair Transplant Wars? Part Stephen Hawking-like visionary, part Neil deGrasse Tyson-like evil genius, part Steve Jobs-like cornered-at-a-party creep, Not Elon Musk explains in Welcome to the Future why Not Elon Musk is so ready to fix Earth but also, possibly, leave it.