Put the Disciple into Discipline

INTRODUCTION

Discipline That Disciples

(ELLEN)

I HAVE ELEVEN GRANDCHILDREN, all under the age of ten.

Joey, the oldest, is passionate and curious. Kate is kind and generous. Jude is analytical and pensive. Haddie is outgoing and creative. Greta is witty and engaging. Will is exuberant and courageous. Isaac is brave and hilarious. Asa is compassionate and assertive. Elsie is meticulous and loving. Alma is determined and friendly. And Beth Ellen is joyful and tender.

I could go on and on about each of them for pages… but it's clear in just one paragraph: Each of my grandkids was given a unique, God-given personality. Each of them has incredible strengths—character traits that I pray God will use to truly impact his kingdom. And each of them has some weaknesses—attributes that they must learn to control and overcome if they want to grow into healthy, productive adults.

Yes, each one is different, from the top of their red-or brown-or blond-haired heads to the tips of their sparkle-boot-or soccer-shoe-clad toes. And I know that God created your kids uniquely wonderful, too, each with a special purpose, special plan, and special gifts to boot. Yet, while I think every one of us recognizes these innate differences in our kids, when it comes to discipline, so many of us try to fit our kids into a prescribed plan.

I'll just come out and say it: That doesn't make sense.

I've come to believe that many of the parenting experts got it wrong. I'm not saying that their ideas and tools are wrong—I often refer to my tall stack of parenting books when it comes to discipline—but so many of the common parenting books and touted parenting methods lack one thing: They forget about discipleship. They tell you how to demand obedience and honesty and good behavior but don't cover how to teach our kids to truly desire right and how to show them the love that God so readily (and mercifully) pours out on us.

Erin and I want to change that.

We're not telling you to throw out all of your discipline books. We're asking you to consider the idea that maybe discipline is a bit bigger than what you've thought it was. While it may take a bit more work, by focusing on discipleship and heart connection, you can create a lasting bond with your kids that runs deep—and helps your kids to truly see Jesus's love in a tangible way. Maybe when your kids mess up, it is a chance for their hearts to be refined by God and moved toward Him.

Before we get to the good stuff—we're going to take you through several real discipline scenarios from real parents—I thought it would be a good idea to lay a foundation for this type of discipline. If I'm being honest, this type of discipline (or shall I say nondiscipline) is much harder than any discipline you have ever tried before. Why? Because it requires you to carefully consider a variety of factors and pillars instead of simply following a simple 1-2-3 process or doling out a specific punishment to fit the crime. It's hard, yes, but it will also pay big dividends as your child grows. A little hard work now for huge rewards later seems worth it, right?

Therefore, I want to spend a bit of time talking about what I consider to be the four pillars to this book: discipleship, not discipline; desire, not obedience; connection, not control; and growth, not assistance.

1. DISCIPLESHIP, NOT DISCIPLINE

I had just done the unthinkable: I told a woman to stop disciplining her son.

I was speaking at a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group and a young mom—we'll call her Susanna—raised her hand and told the story of her four-year-old son, James. James was really pushing his limits. He was running through her house, throwing balls at windows, smashing Lego towers built by his older brother, and then screaming when anyone told him to stop.

She told me she was at a loss.

That the time-outs and spankings and lectures she'd tried—tricks people had told her were sure to work—weren't working with her wild, strong-willed son.

That she didn't know where to turn.

That she was worried there was something wrong with her parenting and, worse, that there was something wrong with her son.

My heart broke for Susanna—and for the hundreds of other moms who have sat in my office with similar stories—but I also felt a glimmer of happiness as I heard her question. Because I know there is hope for kids like James.

And it starts when their parents stop disciplining them.

It's shocking, I know, but let me explain.

I am fully aware that if Susanna just stopped disciplining James, their entire household would crumble into a big, sticky, Lego-strewn mess. But I also know that the typical discipline strategies that all parents talk about just don't work for kids like James. Kids who know what they want and know how to get it. Kids who need Jesus, not a bunch of rules and boundaries.

Which is why our mind-set when it comes to discipline needs to change: Instead of disciplining them to behave, we have to disciple our kids' hearts to want to behave! Our kids don't need us to control them, to break their will, to punish crimes, or to teach them to obey. They need us to show their hearts what it means to follow Jesus wholeheartedly.

And that comes from adding a whole lot of discipleship into our discipline.

The truth is that our kids don't need to be fixed—which is what discipline often feels like. Instead, they need to be understood and to be valued in the process of correction—which is what discipleship is all about.

It means letting the Bible, rather than a surefire discipline method, guide our conversations with our kids. It means being nimble enough to give our kids justice, mercy, and grace when they need it. And it means stopping to consider our kids' hearts at every turn before jumping in and inflicting another consequence.

Discipleship is the key to our kids' hearts.

And it's the key to stopping misbehavior as well.

2. DESIRE, NOT OBEDIENCE

The most—let's call them passionate—reactions that I've gotten to our book Free to Parent have been around the concept of replacing obedience with desire. And I get it. Parents have been conditioned for years to look at obedience as the ultimate sign that our kids are being raised right. Don't get me wrong, obedience is important. In the Bible, God calls each of us to obey his commandments in multiple verses (e.g., Romans 1:5 and Hebrews 13:17), and in Ephesians 6 children are instructed very clearly to obey their parents. Plus, practically speaking, how are our kids going to learn to obey teachers and bosses and even (gulp!) the law if they don't learn to obey their parents first?

I hear you, just as I've heard all of the other parents who have brought this same argument to me. But I stand by my original assertion: Obedience isn't the answer to this problem. Instead, the solution is to teach our kids to desire what's right.

My husband has a ninety-pound Labradoodle named Rufus. Please notice that I said my husband has a dog named Rufus. Rufus is not mine and has never been mine, and in fact, if it were up to me, Rufus would go live on a nice farm somewhere in Nova Scotia where he could chase little Canadian prairie dogs to his heart's content and stop squirming his way under my table to nip at my fingers while I eat. Suffice it to say, Rufus and I have a tempestuous relationship. Partly because he's big and drooly and can't keep his paws off my furniture, but mostly because he has an obedience issue: He has absolutely no desire to follow our house rules unless it results in a Milk-Bone.

Rufus has an excuse for this type of behavior: He is a dog.

You laugh, but in all honesty, I sometimes wonder if we are raising our kids as if they were Labradoodles. "Come here, kid! I'll give you a cookie if you obey me the first time!" While this sort of stick-and-carrot discipline can result in obedience—kids will do a lot to avoid punishment or gain a reward—I believe it does little to teach our kids to truly obey God in their hearts.

I think we need to rethink our definition of obedience. If our kids only obey us in order to avoid a consequence or to gain a reward, then are they really obeying? I don't think so. Instead, our goal as parents has to be to teach our kids to genuinely desire what is good, true, and beautiful; what is right, honest, and virtuous; what is godly and kind.

The truth is, obedience is simply not enough. When our end goal is to help our kids truly desire God, concepts like "first-time obedience" and even "consistent consequences" start to fall flat. These concepts—while useful as parenting tools—can teach our kids to have head knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. But going far beyond that, our kids need to learn how to direct the desires of their heart on a foundation of connected faith so they will understand how to truly desire what is good and right and beautiful and then reject what is evil.

There is a catch: Desire is much, much harder to teach our kids than simple obedience. Even Rufus can learn to obey—when he wants a treat. But teaching our kids to desire what is right is a lifelong process, one that will certainly be fraught with ups and downs, with failures and victories. But it is worth it: Because instead of teaching your kids to follow rules, you'll be giving them a glimpse into what it means to seek God with their entire hearts.

3. CONNECTION, NOT CONTROL

It's so easy to try to control our kids.

Notice I didn't say it's so easy to control our kids—that's downright impossible—but it's really easy to fall into the trap of trying to control our kids' thoughts, emotions, and behaviors so they can turn out exactly how we want them to turn out.

I know I did that with my oldest daughter.

I grew up in a very difficult family—a place where control and fear seemed to rule us and where a heart connection was hard to be found. I remember when I won a spot at the district track meet in the ninth grade. I desperately wanted my dad—who had never attended a single one of my school events—to come see me run. I brought home the flyer for the district meet and presented it to him one night at dinner.

"Dad, would you like to come to my district track meet?" I held up the flyer, staring at my dad's eyes, hoping he would see my desperation, my heart. "I'll be running the 880."

"Ellen." His voice was gruff. "I just don't have time. But maybe if you are really helpful around the house and behave well I'll be able to find the time."

I smiled. I could be helpful. I could behave. And so I set about to do the best I could. For two weeks, I volunteered to do dishes and to watch over my brothers and sisters. I filed paperwork for my dad at his office and did all of my homework without being asked. I was polite and kind and behaved the best I could.

Yet on the day of the meet, my dad didn't show up.

I was heartbroken.

Fast-forward twenty years to when I had my own kids who had their own sports events and recitals and art shows. From day one, I made it my vow to never let my kids feel the way I did at that track meet. I was going to attend every single event they ever had. I was going to cheer them on no matter what they did. I was going to be involved in their every move. I was going to give them every opportunity. I was never going to let fear of disappointment rule them.

I was going to… control their every emotion.

I learned this when my own oldest daughter was in middle school. She had a track meet on the same day as her sister's swim meet and I was desperately trying to figure out how I could drive across town in seven minutes flat so I could watch Alisa's hundred-meter butterfly without missing Erin's relay. And Erin stopped me.

"Mom, it's fine. You can watch Alisa today and watch me next time."

"But then you'll think I don't care and that I don't want to be part of your track career and that I care more about Alisa than you…" I'm sure I sounded desperate.

"We'll talk about it later, Mom. I know you care. I can tell by what you do every day."

And there it was. I can't control my kids' schedules or outcomes. I can't control my kids' behavior or thoughts. I can't control whether they finish their homework or chores or whether they love gymnastics or music or football. But I can be there for them. And connect with them on a deep level that shows that I care about them in a way that goes beyond simply knowing what they do.

Because I can know their hearts.

4. GROWTH, NOT ASSISTANCE

I probably don't have to remind you, but you are an adult. You have already navigated the lessons of childhood and you have moved on to adulthood. You know how to manage your money. You have learned about things like respect and friendship and compassion and empathy. You have passed the fifth grade.

And that means that even if your kid is asking you for the tenth time for twenty dollars for gas to fill up his car because he spent his last dollar on chewing gum, or telling you how every girl in the entire grade is being mean to her, you can't solve these problems for your kids. They have to figure it out for themselves.

Which is why as you read this book, you'll find that we often encourage parents to let their kids solve their own problems, to come up with their own consequences, to work through their own issues. This isn't because we're being mean or lazy or because we don't want to fork over twenty dollars, but simply because we know that kids learn more when they are forced to grow.

PUTTING THE FOUR PILLARS INTO ACTION

I realize this chapter is very pie-in-the-sky—that I've just introduced some major, heart-changing ideas and then given you very little practical advice to help you understand how to implement them in your life. And whether you're saying, "Okay, I'm going to try this" or "I'm not so sure yet," I have a feeling that you are a bit confused on what to do next. And how to make this work for your family.

Don't worry.

We're going to get there. For now, I wanted to give you a big picture overview of what we're going to be talking about as we share real discipline stories with real parents in the coming chapters. In the rest of this book, you'll find real-life practical tips on how to put these concepts into action as well as ideas on how these pillars can help you to connect to your kids in a meaningful way.

So if you're feeling confused, overwhelmed, unsure, or anything else right now, hang with us.