Bamboozled By Jesus

IN THE BEGINNING…

I was born holding my mom’s IUD (intrauterine device) in my hand.

True story.

After three sons, my parents decided that their baby-making days were over. Clearly, God was like, “nah.” And nine months later, I defiantly bust outta the womb clutching the very device meant to prevent my conception.

That was my first taste of being bamboozled by Jesus.

I see the look of horror on the face of everyone either using, or contemplating using, an IUD. Relaaaax. That was in the ’80s. In Nigeria. I’m sure there’s been advances in medical technology by now. If not, just name the baby Godswill.

But ain’t that just like God, tho? He’s out here being the Sovereign Trickster in our lives, acting like the Ancient-of-Days Ashton Kutcher; running ’round town getting folks Punk’d. Personally, I’ve fallen for the bamboozlement of Jesus several times.

Like when I was a college freshman, and thought I was gonna live it up. I imagined my days consisting of partying, studying, partying some more—you know, the basics. Little did I know how quickly those plans would be kiboshed, and suddenly turned into: Attend a Bible study freshman year, commit my life to Jesus, and remain a virgin until I get married. What?! Who agreed to th—

Bamboozled.

Insert: TEDx Talk entitled “The Wait Is Sexy.”

Oh, it didn’t stop there.

After graduation, I planned on going to medical school—the pinnacle of success for every Nigerian child. Not according to Jesus, it wasn’t. One day, out of left field, I heard Him tell me to perform stand-up comedy instead. Well, that’s just ridiculous, I thought. I’d never done, nor desired to do, comedy, so I wouldn’t even know the first thing abou—

Bamboozled.

Insert: HBO comedy special Momma, I Made It!

My life today is basically one big walking billboard of how God tricked me into living out my wildest dreams. I ain’t madd at it, but along the way, I definitely had questions, and a few choice words for Jesus that didn’t start with, “Dear Heavenly” anything! Thankfully, we made it, so like I said, I ain’t madd at it.

Bamboozling people into a life they never could’ve imagined for themselves is kind of Jesus’ m.o. All throughout the Bible, He’s suckered several unsuspecting targets into a life full of prestige and promise. And by suckered, I mean dragged through struggle and pain before getting to the good stuff. But can you blame Jesus? He, Himself, got bamboozled. God told Him to come down to Earth, perform a few dope miracles (’cause who doesn’t like a little wine at a party?)—but then set Him up for the okie-doke with the whole, die-on-a-cross-for-their-sins thing. Heck, even Jesus’ own momma, Mary, got bamboozled when an angel rolled up on her like, Hey, gurl, go’on ahead and have this here baby. Don’t worry about the laws of biology or your boo-thang, Joseph. I got’chyu covered.

Apparently, nobody’s safe in these streetz. Errybody can get it.

Being bamboozled by Jesus is low-key, the most frustratingly amazing thing you’ll ever experience. It ain’t always sexy, but it is always worth it. But don’t feel bad for wanting to tap out midway through. Even Jesus looked for an exit strategy. He straight up asked God, If there be any other way, let this cup pass me by. In other words, Fam, this ain’t it! While you may want to chuck up the deuces, the only way out is to settle for less than God’s best, and we’re not about that life.

Before we go any further, I do want to put this disclaimer out there: You do not have to be a Bible scholar or devout evangelical to benefit from the pages in this book. I didn’t go to anybody’s seminary, nor am I an ordained anything. I’m just a young Black chick who entered into a beautiful relationship with a God I’ve never met, but who chose to love me in unimaginable ways. So if you don’t subscribe to the whole “Christianity” thing, that’s cool. Get in where you fit in. Personally, my faith impacts my success and my life in general, so it’s hard for me to separate the two, but I promise to keep an open mind and heart, and all I ask is that you do the same. If it makes you feel any better, for every Bible story I tell, I’ll throw in a DMX or Cardi B reference for good measure, ’cuz I’m well-rounded like that.

You’re welcome.

Now, to all my Sunday school saints, you might as well go ahead and give me grace right now as you fact-check my biblical knowledge with your Judge Not Lest You Be Judged First New Living Word of Life First Baptist Church Special Edition Translation. I’m letting you know up front that I’m probably gonna do things that irk you, like referring to the Bible as Da Good Book, or DGB (You down with DGB, yeah, you know me!), or interchangeably using “Jesus” and “God,” even though one is the Father and the other is the Son, but you know what? We’re all gan’make it, so everybody calm down.

And before you push the blasphemy button, I am fully aware that some of the comparisons I make about your favorite Bible characters—like calling Abraham the first F-boy to ever exist—will elicit a sharp side-eye, and I’m okay with that. This is how Jesus and I get down. We’ve got our own thing going on, and He’s the one who told me to be a comedian and write this book in the first place, so go ahead and take your complaints up with Management.

Now, if you’re one of the folks thinking, This book is ridiculous! Jesus is a loving Savior. He would never bamboozle anybody! just ask yourself this one thing: Were you alive in 2020? If so, then you already know that entire year was one big bamboozled by Jesus petri dish. Errybody and their momma started off 2020 talkin’bout how it would be a season of clear focus and 20/20 vision. All the while, God sat back, gigglin’ at us. We had no idea how glaringly clear things were about to become when, two and a half months into the year, the entire world shut down thanks to a pandemic called COVID-19 (or COVERED-19, depending on what clever spin your pastor put on it).

The coronavirus, and the subsequent global quarantine that followed, forced us all to get back to the basics of humanity, hope, and hygiene. My good friend Devi Brown described 2020 as a divine time-out. It was the best-worst kind of sit-down-and-face-the-wall that nobody asked for, but kinda desperately needed. We definitely could have done without the millions of deaths worldwide, the unprecedented unemployment rates, and the blatant racial injustice experienced in the United States. I’m also pretty certain that a few parents would’ve opted out of being teacher, breadwinner, and after-school entertainment all in one day and space.

BUUUT, 2020 did accomplish a few things. For starters, it exposed how fractured we are as a society, and offered opportunities for healing. It taught us how the busyness of our lives distracted us from dealing with ourselves. And ultimately, it solved the mystery of just how much toilet paper is enough for one household.

So yeah, nobody loves getting bamboozled, or twelve-plus months of incessant Zoom calls, but we do appreciate what we gain on the flip side. At least I do. That’s why I bothered to write this book. To help you endure so you can get to the other side. Trust me, if getting bamboozled by Jesus only stopped at the sucky parts, then I’d be the first one telling you to exit stage left. But it doesn’t. Hence the subtitle, How God Tricked Me into the Life of My Dreams.

Spoiler alert: Things worked out pretty well for me.

And I’m confident they’ll work out great for you too! I’m not just saying that in a life-coachery kind of way. That’s cute and all, but that ain’t me. While I aim to be kind and understanding in these pages, I’m still an African immigrant woman at my core, and we have a limbo-low tolerance for excuses and self-imposed limitations. So if you were expecting cucumber sandwiches with a side of encouragement, please do us both a favor and regift this to your other, other best friend, ’cuz you got me twisted. I’m not the type of chick that’ll give you advice like that friend you love to have. You know, the one who doesn’t challenge you, who pacifies you, and allows you to lie to yourself about your deficiencies, until years later, you realize that you’ve been letting the most basic things keep you from living your best life…

Yeah, that’s wack.

I’m more like the best friend you need to have. She’s going to sound a lot like a no-nonsense Nigerian aunty who doesn’t have any time to waste and loves you too much to see you waste any of your own. We’ve got work to do, and you have purpose to fulfill. Yesterday is dead and gone like a Justin Timberlake song, and maximizing tomorrow depends on how well you execute today.

So consider this your official warning: This ain’t a self-help book. Yes, I may be in the entertainment business, but I’m not here for your entertainment. Be honest. Y’all buy those self-help books, pumped and ready to jump-start “a brand-new you,” and then what happens? Five years later, those same books are doubling as coasters on your living room table. You never even made it past the first sentence of the first chapter.

I ain’t going out like that.

Y’all gon’read this book. And not just read it, but apply it and activate the best you that’s been lying dormant, waiting for a chance to bust out.

So no. This is definitely not a self-help book. It’s a GET YOURS book!

I’ve gotten mine, and I’m still getting more of it. So it would be selfish of me to not share whatever I’ve learned along the way to help you get yours too. The prophet Nate Dogg so poignantly stated that “it ain’t no fun if the homies can’t get none.” While he may have been referencing illicit sexual activity, that doesn’t discount the wisdom of his words within the context of what I’m trying to say. Hopefully, by exposing you to key moments in my life, you can see for yourself that God isn’t out to “get you,” but He is out to get some things to you.

I’ll probably hit a nerve or five and read your mail like I’m a member of Anonymous. If that happens, please don’t throw the book across the room. You, or somebody who loves you very much, paid good money for it, so no need destroying perfectly good binding. Truth be told, you’ll only be annoyed by what I say because it co-signs what you’ve been feeling or trying to suppress.

Don’t fight it.

Something in your spirit is recognizing a need for change. Lean into it.

If you’re wondering why I chose to parallel my life story with other stories from DGB, the short answer is, “’Cuz I thought it would be cool.” Digging deeper, the Bible is a book of principles that are applicable to every aspect of life, not just the “religious” stuff. I’ve gained self-esteem, learned success strategies, and even understood how to stack coins from it. The principles work for anybody who works them, and you’ve probably already worked a few of them yourself. Take, for example, the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That’s not just some profound, theological statement. It’s a principle on how not to be a jerk.

Using a biblical backdrop to navigate my journey also presented a really dope opportunity to take a book that many believe is outdated and remix its relevance. I think it’s funny when people say, “I’ll find faith when I’m eighty years old, after I’ve done all my dirt, and lived a fun life.” But who said you couldn’t have fun and have faith at the same darn time? I certainly do, ’cuz I don’t like to choose. I’m greedy like that.

Fun and faith shouldn’t be oxymorons, and the fact that they are got me thinking that perhaps, I have a different relationship with Jesus. For me, He’s my homie, my road-dawg, my paht’na. Sure, He gets on my last Black nerves sometimes, but so do my other best friends. Of course, I take Him seriously, but at the same time, we still know how to kick it. He gives me room to act a fool, and when I get quiet enough to hear from Him, He lovingly (and sometimes, shadingly) corrects me.

That’s the Jesus I know. But I’m not so naïve as to pretend that I don’t understand how some people have a contentious relationship with the church and religion in general. They have good reason to. Humans unfortunately oversee spiritual organizations, and humans are notorious for tricking things off in the worst way. So to everyone who’s ever been hurt by someone in power at a religious establishment, or made to feel unwelcome at a place of worship, I apologize on their behalf, because that’s trash. If it makes you feel any better, church people killed Jesus because He wasn’t churchy enough for their liking.

So again, don’t feel like your lack of spiritual wisdom will hinder you from benefitting from this book. Now, if your daddy was a deacon and you sing on the praise team, don’t go thinking there’s nothing new you can learn from these pages. Faith builds upon faith, like the two all-beef patties on a Big Mac. Even the most familiar stories can be seen from a fresh perspective. All that’s really required of you to maximize your experience with this book is to be someone who enjoys learning, laughing, and leveling up. Dassit.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I didn’t even tell you who I was or why I’m qualified to write this book, so please allow me to reintroduce myself. You already know that I’m a proud, Jesus-loving, Nigerian-American writer and stand-up comic. But in addition to that, I’m also an actress, best known as Issa Rae’s BFF, Molly, on the HBO series Insecure. However, don’t let those HBO checks fool you. They didn’t come without a little stress, strain, and struggle first. I’ve had crosses to bear, and those heauxz were heavy. Carrie Underwood had a popular song called “Jesus Take the Wheel,” and on my darkest days, I wanted Him to take the entire car: wheel, tire, exhaust pipes—all of it, ’cuz I was tih’d!

If you’ve ever had those thoughts, then you’ve found your tribe. The same advice I offer, I personally had to lean on—and still reach back to apply. Many of you reading this are in some sort of transition. Maybe you’re a new college grad, grappling with the daunting thought of, What comes next? Or you’re an entrepreneur, and like me, you’ve found yourself in the middle of an unexpected career change, trying to navigate a whole new terrain. Perhaps you’re a creative, trying to make sense of the life you chose (or were bamboozled into), while holding on to the hope that you will find success. No matter who you are, this:

I’m proud of you.

You probably don’t hear that enough. Instead, what you get are too many people tryna place their expectations on you. They can’t possibly understand the burden you bear to constantly stay grindin’, stay hopeful, stay generous, and simultaneously stay five seconds away from not cussing somebody out. But I want you to know, I. SEE. YOU, because I’ve been you. Yes, YOU with a dream so outrageous, the possibility of it scares the crap outta you, but the thought of letting it go makes you sick to your stomach. I’ve also been YOU, on the verge of calling it quits, after giving it all you had. I’ve especially been YOU, sitting in the throngs of success, learning how to navigate a new way of life, without the familiar weight (and sometimes, safety net) of the struggle.

Nobody teaches you this stuff, or maybe they do and I just missed that class. At any rate, I believe in transparency, and that’s all this book is: me exposing my trials and victories in hopes that they bring encouragement and hope to your situation. I’m fortunate to be at a point in my career where I’m sitting in the driver’s seat of success, but not too far removed that my humble beginnings aren’t staring back at me in the rearview mirror.

That’s why I wanted to tell this story now. It’s not an autobiography, by any means. At thirty-seven, I still have a lot more living to do and a lot more life to learn from. But I do feel like I’ve come to the natural end of phase one in my journey, and what a phase it was. There was the choosing the road less traveled section, the underdog story, the bout with depression, the pivotal moment to rally one last time, and finally arriving at the Cinderella-esque happy ending. I spare no details.

I’ve broken the book down into five parts: “The Burden,” “The Building,” “The Breakthrough,” “The Booked, Blessed, and Busy,” and “The Bonus.” Every part is meant to build upon the next, but you can digest the book one of two ways. If you’re the type that thrives on those one-year Bible-reading plans, going from Genesis to Revelation, highlighting all over and taking notes in the margin, then have at it! You’ll probably ingest this book cover to cover, and God bless you for it.

That ain’t my testimony.

I’m more the type to grab the Bible, flip through pages, and stop randomly at Proverbs, to get the inspiration I need to carry me through my day. In the same way, feel free to use this as a faith fuel stop to get digestible morsels of gems being dropped in every stand-alone chapter. Depending on where you are on your journey, some chapters will resonate immediately, others will be more aspirational and you might have to tuck’em away for a later date, and there are some that you just won’t vibe with at all. That’s cool; my feelings aren’t hurt. All I can do is share what’s worked for me to get the results, but like a volunteer T-shirt, you gotta cut and style that suckka up to make it your own.

God has custom-designed your life to be magnificent, and by default, the magnificent is uncertain, daring, and downright scary. It calls you higher, forces you beyond your capacity, and demands a reckless abandon of all things safe.

There’s nothing safe about this book.

Not even the title.

It’s risky, and so is a magnificent life, but the only way you get one of those is by allowing yourself to be bamboozled. Even though it feels like you’re being punk’d, just like in the show, there was no better feeling of relief than the moment Ashton Kutcher emerged from the van, camera in hand, revealing it was all a ruse. Well, God has a reveal in store for you too. With Ashton, the payoff to his trickery was sometimes frustration, anger, or shared laughs. However, when you’re bamboozled by Jesus, you’ll have the last laugh. He’ll have you dreaming improbable dreams, and living a life so unimaginable, you wouldn’t believe it either if it wasn’t your very own.

So cheers to you for believing more was possible, for trying to be the first in your family to do what was never expected, for being scared to try, but too scared not to. This book is for you who might be wavering in your faith as much as it is for you who are solidified in yours. Let’s go get bamboozled together. The life of our dreams awaits!