Why Did No One Tell Me This?

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For some, this freedom is exciting and exhilarating! And for others, it can feel intimidating, overwhelming, and hard to know where to begin. Which way do you walk if there is no path laid out in front of you? How do you make it through the unknown without directions?

While we can’t predict what will arise on your path, we do know that your path will likely be different from what you are imagining and it will likely be changing all the time. Focusing on the path alone seems almost silly if it’s not within our control and is constantly changing anyway. But what we can influence is how we move through it.

And we have a secret to share—do you want to know the best thing about not having control over the perinatal period? The pressure is off! Of course we want to influence as much as we can, and to set ourselves up for success, but there is actually only so much we can do. Sigh of relief.

So how do we not stay so focused on “the path”? How do we stay agile and flexible, while also valuing the need to stop and pause along the way to check in and ensure we are making decisions based on what is actually true for us at each moment?

So glad you asked!

We each have a compass inside to help us navigate and find our way. What do we mean by “a compass inside”? You’re about to find out! This section is all about helping you tune in to that compass and ensuring you have the appropriate support you need throughout the process to trust it. Because you don’t need to do this alone! Forging our own paths is hard. We need people to let us ugly cry when we’ve had it, make us laugh when we fall on our face, and let us pass out on their couch when we just need a damn change of scenery. And we need to make sure we have the clinical support to help us avoid unnecessary roadblocks whenever possible.

Before we dive into the specifics of pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period, we want you to really learn to listen to your own instincts. To do that, we’ve put together some exercises in the following pages. You may be tempted to skip over them. We totally get it, but this is the part where we ask you to trust us and give them a try. While one exercise may not resonate, another may allow for a whole slew of dots to be connected for you.

And just a heads-up: You will be exploring your personal and family history here, so if at any point you feel that it is too much, stop and take a break. That’s you tuning in to your own compass! If you sense that something big may come up for you, please wait to do the exercise with someone who can help you process what you are feeling.

TUNING IN: LEARNING TO LISTEN TO YOU

Let’s begin with a framework for how you can tune in.

Meet the compass inside you, or your “four directions” to help you navigate your perinatal path. (Sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves.)

It’s cool if this sounds totally cheesy. It is. But it’s also a powerful framework, so stick with us as you learn about this tool!

First things first. How do you tune in? Easy! You simply pause, close your eyes, breathe, and check in with each of your four navigators for guidance. (We’ll walk you through those below and give you excercises in the following pages.)

Now, we are all very familiar with the Head. The Head helps us solve problems, strategize, discern, ask questions, and speak. You’re using it to read this book right now! But not everything, especially during the perinatal period, can be understood or processed through the Head alone. Our Heads take in so much information each day from social media, the internet, day-to-day activities, friends, family, the stranger on the train, popular culture and can talk us into and out of just about anything—I could do this, no I should do that, or maybe it’s best to do both—making it hard to know what is actually true or real for us, within the context of our unique collections.

With all of those factors playing together, you can see why it’s nearly impossible for our most familiar pilot to cut it on its own in this terrain. That’s why you have your Body, Emotions, and Gut to help. These are powerful copilots, yet so few of us have been taught to trust them as a navigation tool or have even been shown that it is safe to do so.

Our experiences become part of us and the collections that we carry. And each of these experiences, particularly the negative or traumatic ones from our childhoods as well as the acute traumas in adulthood, can “calcify” inside of us, blocking us from being able to know what we truly want or need—or trust that we are capable and deserving of getting it. While these blocks originally formed to protect us from getting hurt again, it doesn’t mean they are still serving us today in their current shape or size. But these blocks can change! They can become smaller, lighter, or more permeable to outside influence. They can even transform into influential permanent fixtures inside of us, sprouting new parts that become fresh sources of fuel—our power plants that allow for brand-new possibilities.

But in order for our blocks to shift and transform, we must be able to tune in and find the ones that need nourishing, or at least notice where they live inside of us and get the support we need to work with them.

How do you start tuning in? How do you let your Body, Gut, and Emotions start guiding alongside your Head? The first step is simply to try!

One of the coolest aspects of the perinatal period is that you’ve already started doing it. And your baby is helping you! You feel when your baby kicks, which makes you more aware of your Body and in turn builds trust that your Body is growing those feet as you watch Queer Eye. You are letting your Emotions take over as you cry at that ridiculous commercial. And perhaps you’ve gone with your Gut and called your provider once or twice because something just felt off, or perhaps you’ve started to have magical feelings or dreams about your baby, noticing new synchronicities around you.

In other words: You’re already using your compass!

The following pages will help you continue to build your ability to tune in: to remember you and baby are in this together and to help your Head be a bit less noisy so you can actually hear what your Body, Gut, and Emotions are saying. They will also help you locate where some of your blocks live, give you tools to work with them, and ensure you are setting yourself up with the support you need for this transition.

C’mon let’s go!

LET THAT BABY GUIDE YOU

We often think it’s our job as parents to show our kids the way—and it is. But they are also our biggest teachers. When we don’t have the answer or aren’t sure what to do, baby may actually be able to show us, if we are willing to listen. After all, babies have their own compass, and their Body, Gut, and Emotions don’t have a fully developed Head to hold them back yet!

Here’s an exercise that will help you continue to trust that your baby has innate wisdom for you to learn from and you guys are in this thing together—all the way!

Try This

BREATHING WITH BABY

Read this whole exercise through first, and then close your eyes and give it a go.

You can do this whenever, wherever, to tune in and connect to your body!

WHAT IS YOUR BODY TELLING YOU?!

Connecting with your baby is a great way to connect with your Body. After all, your baby kind of forces you to, ready or not, as your Body has already jumped into the driver’s seat to grow that baby anyway.

We know listening to what your Body is telling you can be scary, since most of us have a zillion reasons why we have a complicated relationship with it. But here’s the thing about the Body (and why we are starting with this point on the compass): If you can learn to trust it and feel safe in it, it can actually help you build up your connection to your Gut, as well as ground you when your Head or Emotions feel too strong or out of control.

So we need to build back up that trust so your Head feels safe letting your Body take the lead. How? Start listening and practicing! The following exercises were designed to help you do just that.

Try This

NANCY DREW-IN’ IT

Throughout the day, check in with the sensations that arise in your body. (We even suggest going so far as recording them.) How do certain places affect those sensations? Certain vibes or the decor of a room? Certain people? The time of day? The food you eat? What are the sensations you feel when you know you are angry, sad, excited? What sensations do you feel when you like something? What goes on when you don’t like something? And go the other way too—if you feel a sensation in your body first, ask yourself: Where are you? Who are you with? Can you discern what is causing those sensations to arise?

It’s different for everybody, but here are some of the ways your Body may talk to you:

Of course, some sensations will be directly related to your pregnancy (thanks, baby!), but you’ll likely still be surprised by the patterns you find. Take note!

Try This

BODY BLOCKS

Now that you have an idea of the language your Body uses to talk to you, let’s explore your relationship with your Body. Find a private, quiet place to do this one, and get a pen and paper ready. Read through the exercise below before you begin.

When you are done scanning, open your eyes and write down any emotions, sensations, or points of interest that came up for you. Once you’ve reflected on your scan, ask yourself the following questions to find your blocks: