You Are What You Wear

Clothing is an extension of who we are. Much like a turtle with its shell, we tell the world the who, the what, the where, and the when of our lives by what we wear on our backs. When we shop for and wear clothing that reflects our best self, we must consider, consciously or unconsciously, our age, size, culture, and lifestyle. We either work with these aspects of ourselves or fight against them.

For example, continuing to buy the same size clothing when you have lost or gained significant weight works against the reality of your size. Shopping at the teen clothing store when you have turned forty or buying a floor-length frock at Chico's when you are sixteen works against the reality of your age. Wearing hoodies to the office or buying embellished clothing for your job at a manufacturing plant works against the reality of your lifestyle. Your shopping may support defense mechanisms that have been reinforced over time, and you may have stopped actively noticing whether or not your clothing choices make sense for you.

Your clothes reveal more about your internal life than you may realize. Think of your closet as symptomatic. Every item in your wardrobe is the consequence of a deeper, unconscious choice. A closet full of baggy, shapeless clothes might belong to a woman who, underneath it all, is embarrassed about carrying extra weight. Perhaps she wears oversized clothes to cover the body she hates, to hide the shame she experiences, and to thwart criticism from others. Or maybe she chose these clothes because she doesn't want to lose weight, doesn't want to work out, and doesn't want to stop eating junk food, but is afraid to admit it. Maybe the closet belongs to a mom who doesn't wear nice clothes because she's pressed for time, but who might have to take notice of her failing marriage if she were less busy.

Maybe the overly youthful clothing in a closet indicates a fifty-something who finds the experience of seeing wrinkles and a couple of gray hairs just too painful to bear. Or maybe she's holding on to her past because she hasn't accomplished her goals in the present.

And some of our issues go far deeper than in these examples. We're clothing accumulators with anxiety, compulsive shoppers struggling with addiction, or frumpy dressers who suffer from depression. Our closets are windows into our internal selves. Every one of us attempts to say or hide something in the way we wear our clothes. But few of us can articulate what we're trying to express or locate the root of the pattern, the pathos.

There are all kinds of stylists who can offer your image a surface fix: a little makeup here, a pencil skirt there. That is not what I do. I am a psychologist who analyzes closets. Together, you and I will look at the patterns of your wardrobe in a way that may spark a change in how you perceive your past clothing choices and how you perceive yourself in the future, mirror optional. I "shrink" your closet down to the core of who you are. Imagine if someone could walk into your closet, look at your clothes, and diagnose an internal problem you might be having ("I can hide the body I hate in these baggy clothes"). Imagine that this person then worked with you to remove the symptoms (burn the oversized MC Hammer pants) and identify the root of the issue ("I was traumatized by bullying about my weight as a teen"), before offering a treatment ("I can learn to love my body in these trouser jeans"). As in clinical therapy, I am the objective eye that you eventually internalize. Because you are what you wear, not only can learning to identify the internal reasons for your clothing choices help you improve your wardrobe—it can change your life.

The most memorable part of visiting my grandmother's closet was examining her button collection. I was dazzled by the detail and sparkle of these small objects that led to stories of her past.

I held up an amber rhinestone button. "What's this, Grammy?" I asked. She rolled it back and forth in her palm to catch the light.

"My mother, your great-grandmother, was a seamstress. This was a button from one of her very wealthy clients. A luxurious object like that during the Great Depression was a treasure."

"And this?" I asked, pointing to a large brown horn button. It belonged, she said, to the first suit she wore when she landed a job on the opening day of Macy's in New York City. "The line went around the corner. But with my tweed fur-trimmed suit and brown pumps, I was hired on the spot, Jennifer."

I handed her a large, black, onyx-faceted button. "I wore this to a sweet sixteen party when I met your grandfather. As soon as I saw him, I told my best friend I was going to marry that man."

The pile of metal and glass pieces that soon collected on my grandmother's bed became seeds out of which her story grew. I was enthralled. Whenever I visited my Grammy, I headed immediately to her closet to look for more of her.

From that day on, looking at people's wardrobes became the critical way in which I conceptualized them. And I don't mean that I made snap judgments or easy categorizations: I was looking for clues—what people wore, how they wore it, what they didn't wear, patterns of dress, what they bought, and how they organized their wardrobes—so that I could understand the whole person. My fascination with the link between external and internal human mechanisms led me to simultaneously pursue a doctoral degree in clinical psychology and to take a job as a sales associate at Ralph Lauren to pay the bills.

I'll never forget one busy holiday weekend when an attractive forty-something woman came into Ralph Lauren looking for an outfit to wear to a Christmas party. She must have tried on every item in the store before coming to the conclusion that "nothing worked" for her. Considering that everything in the store actually did work for her quite well, I knew that this general dissatisfaction had nothing to do with the clothing. After some questioning, I discovered that my customer was completely confused about her identity. Doubt and frustration poured out with her tears as she attempted to find answers. She did not know if she was old or young, mother or wife, modern or outdated, attractive or past her prime, and therefore she did not know what clothes worked for her. Although she eventually bought an outfit that day, she promptly returned it.

After receiving countless requests for this psychologically informed closet makeover, I began moonlighting as a wardrobe consultant. Initially, the calls I received were from friends and family members just wanting to look better. I created and conducted my first complete InsideOut makeover on my sister, Gina, whose unchanging clothing selection echoed the stagnancy in her career and relationship pursuits. Her wardrobe hadn't been updated since middle school, and the new clothes she did own were either my castaways or clothes with tags still attached. "Gina, for God's sake, your wardrobe is in limbo. What are you waiting for?" I asked.

My sister was bored with her job and the "wimpy guys" in the dating scene. She was waiting for something bigger, and until her life magically changed, her wardrobe stayed the same.

"This isn't freakin' therapy, Jennifer," I remember her saying. "Just clean out my closet."

But I couldn't clean out her closet until I knew what, and who, Gina was dressing for in the past, present, and future. It wasn't just about the clothes: I needed to find out the type of life she had lived and was living in order to help her create the life change she desired—with a wardrobe to match. Once we had analyzed her clothes and identified her vocational, educational, and relationship goals, I could create a wardrobe that pushed her forward toward change. In this process, I realized that an inner makeover is the most essential component to an outside makeover. Without both, the change is incomplete.

The "Out" part of an InsideOut makeover, or the external, looks at the color, form, fit, and function of my clients' clothing, as well as their dressing patterns and pathology. I examine how successfully my clients shop, spend, wear, or store pieces, coordinate items, and fit their clothing to their body, how appropriately they dress for various situations, and how well their clothes are matched to their lifestyle. The "Inside" part of the makeover, or the internal, includes identifying current distress, past trauma, internal need for growth, and future goals.

My client base was soon growing as I met more and more women who could experience this connection and who invited me into their homes and closets.

When people contact me hoping to reinvent their "look," they are often not prepared for the breakthrough they will actually experience. When we dig through the layers of their closet, we are really identifying and finding closure for layers of painful emotions. Talking through the stress of sorting and shopping and mirror gazing alongside someone other than yourself is therapeutic. Acting on these experiences through psychological techniques such as cognitive behavioral "acting as if" exercises, assertiveness training, and exposure activities is therapy. As a psychologist, I move beyond the standard closet makeover and superficial discussion of clients' self-esteem to go much deeper. They just don't realize it at first because they are in the safety of their closet. With all of my clients we are soon able to crack through the external shell to get to the internal "good stuff." And that's something you can't get from a stylist.

I created this book by compiling women's stories I have encountered in my life and practice; many of the women I have worked with experienced at least four or five of the nine most common systematic wardrobe problems detailed here. Maybe you are like Ricki, who mistakenly thinks she is a "big, ugly whale of a woman," or perhaps you have more in common with Megan, who can't disentangle her work from her real life. These are the stories of women who have stripped their closets, struggled to answer uncomfortable questions, and worked to find answers.

At the end of each of these stories, I'll bring the analysis back to you and your closet by providing quick and easy takeaways for improving your look and your life. You Are What You Wear also includes a five-step wardrobe analysis—your personal tool kit for creating a healthy, balanced closet.

Taking care of yourself begins with self-discovery. The clothing you put on your back is an incredibly accurate indicator of what you think of yourself and your life. Cracking open the closet doors can lead to great insight. When you strive toward self-discovery, improvement often follows.

Wearing clothing that makes you feel comfortable, happy, and good about yourself really does make life better. The slightest change in your wardrobe can lead to a domino effect of adventure, discovery, and great memories. That is why I do what I do! It is so wonderful to see something that seems as insignificant as a closet makeover alter self-perception, increase self-awareness, raise self-esteem, create life goals, and encourage the pursuit of a full and well-lived life.

Swing open your closet door to discover who you are. Get rid of the clothes that don't speak to the person you have become, put on your best outfit, and walk out the door!

The analysis starts with the following questions, which are designed to make you think more deeply about the patterns surrounding the way you dress. There is no one right way to approach these questions; you can answer them now or wait until after a period of observation. For now, just stick to analysis—there's no need to make any changes yet.

The next step after this detailed analysis is summarizing your wardrobe behaviors. Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Decide what needs to change and what should stay the same.

Your diagnosis and treatment are likely to fall into one of the chapters of this book:

Exploration is the final step of the InsideOut makeover. Choose the chapter or chapters that identify your wardrobe issues. In each chapter, you will find a detailed checklist, a case study, a psychological explanation—and solutions for your wardrobe problems that will change more than just the way you dress.