Jewtopia

Introduction

In 2001, we were two struggling actors/writers in Hollywood. Bryan was a prop comic doing 1:00 AM sets at the Improv pulling foot-long plastic alligators out of his pants. Sam was a gopher for the Jeff Foxworthy Show, getting daily phone calls from his mother saying, “We spent eighty grand for you to go to Northwestern and you’re doing WHAT?!”

Desperate to get a break, Bryan came up with an idea to produce an industry one-act festival, where actors and writers could perform material to an audience of Hollywood agents, managers, casting directors, and producers. For the festival, the two of us decided that we would write and perform an original scene. The scene, which would later become Act One, Scene One of Jewtopia, was the highlight of the night and the two of us felt that we were on to something special.

Over the next year, Jewtopia the play was created. Once we finished a first draft, we did a reading of the play for friends and family, then spent another six months rewriting. During this time, we were promised money from investor after investor to mount the production, but in the end none of them coughed up the bucks. In an act of final desperation, we maxed our credit cards and borrowed the rest from our parents to raise the $80,000 that we needed to open the show.

Jewtopia premiered on May 8th, 2003, at the Coast Playhouse in Los Angeles under the amazing direction of Andy Fickman. The stakes were high: if it didn’t work out, we promised ourselves we would finally give up the Hollywood dream and find something else to do with our lives...not to mention never hearing the end of it from our parents.

We opened to rave reviews and the show immediately found an audience. Unfortunately, we were also the sole producers on the play, so not only were we performing and extensively rewriting the show nightly, we were handling the box office, placing the advertising, doing group sales, casting and rehearsing understudies, and doling out paychecks to the crew. Seventeen months later, we had become the longest-running original comedy in the history of Los Angeles theater and were being courted by just about every New York theater producer wanting to buy our show.

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But we didn’t want to sell it! We wanted to find somebody we could partner with and still retain ownership and cre- ative control. We met Tamar Climan, a New York general manager who believed in the show and introduced us to established Broadway producer and really cool guy Bill Franzblau. We joined hands and together raised $625,000 to put up the show in New York City. We opened on Oc- tober 21st, 2004, to sold-out houses and recouped the entire investment in a record 16 weeks!

The show is still running in New York and has also had long runs in Chicago, Florida, and is currently on a 35-city national tour. International productions are being planned for Israel, Australia, London, France, Toronto, and if things keep going as they have been, Jewtopia Rwanda should be opening around 2008.

The past three years have been a dream come true for us. And now we’re getting to write our very own book for Time Warner. TIME FREAKIN’ WARNER!!! So to anyone who might take offense at our brand of crazy, wacked-out humor, we swear we’re just a couple of nice Jewish boys with way too much time on our hands. We love our families. We love being Jewish. We were Bar Mitzvahed and everything.

So sit back, laugh, enjoy the book, and we’ll see you next year in Jerusalem. (Can anybody tell us why we say that when we have absolutely no intention of
going there?)

Love,

Bryan and Sam

VII

Foreword

You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Why is Herbert Hit- ler, grandson of Adolf, writing the foreword to Bryan and Sam’s Jewtopia book?” Don’t feel silly, because when Bryan and Sam arrived at my Kinkos in Freidrichshain, Berlin, I asked myself the very same question. And then it struck me. They couldn’t get Mel Brooks.

You know, it’s not easy being the grandson of Adolf Hitler. You should see the dirty looks I get when people come into Kinkos and read the nametag on my apron. I’m like, “Yeah, my last name’s Hitler, and no, these copies aren’t going to be ready by five o’clock! Gut können Sie dies kopieren, Weibchen!”¹ I don’t think anyone can imagine how hard it is to live in the shadow of the most infamous evil tyrant in the history of mankind! Sure, I just got promoted to assistant manager, and no one undoes a paper jam like me, but come on! I’m seventy-five years old and I’m the assistant manager at a frickin’ Kinkos because nobody else would hire a Hitler! I don’t even get any royalties from Mein Kampf! You know who does? The state of Bavaria. Bavaria! Das bindet nur meinen Penis in Knoten!²

What would my Pop-Pop Adolf say if he knew about Jewtopia? He’d say, “Herbie, Jews are filthy mongrels out for world domi- nation and are conspiring to keep our master race from rightfully ruling the world by diluting its racial and cultural purity. Now be a good grandson and pull your Pop-Pop’s finger.”

But that’s my Pop-Pop—Not me!!!

When I start thinking about all the crazy bad stuff my Pop-Pop did to the Jews, I’m so totally amazed that you guys are still around! Not only that, but every time someone was trying to rain on your parade, you Jews just got all Gloria Gaynor on their asses and were like, “I will survive! You can’t keep me down, girlfriend!” I’m just saying it’s kind of fabulous!

And there’s no Jew more fabulous than Hymie Bernstein, my life- partner of 12 years. Yes, you heard me, world! Herbert Hitler Ist ein Jude, der Homosexuellen liebt!³ I’ve known I was gay ever since my Pop-Pop sat me down and showed me my first Nazi propaganda film. All those strong officers with their chiseled frames and tight pants…let’s just say their arms weren’t the only things rising up! And not to be a Chatty Cathy, but I wouldn’t be surprised if my Pop-Pop was pitching for the Heidelberg Homos, if you know what I’m saying. I mean, come on people, anyone who was so insecure that the only way he can feel good about himself is  by trying to wipe out an entire race  of people had to be

hiding something. Maybe the fact that he had one ball? Oopsy! Did I say that out loud?

I’ll never forget the first time I met Hymie. I had just started work- ing here. He came in to make bulk copies for his dance troupe’s performance piece at the local community center. There was just something about him: the way his tufts of curly chest hair puffed out from above his pink baby-T; the way the shimmering light from the copy machines glistened against his bulbous nose; the way his beady little Jew eyes peered into my soul. I don’t know what came over me, but at that moment I was Glücklicher als ein Schwein in Scheiße.⁴ I gave him my employee discount, and he invited me to his dance performance that night. After drinking seven Apple-Tinis at the cast party, I finally had enough courage to whisper in his ear, “Ich möchte Ihren Kugeln glauben.”⁵ From that moment on we were inseparable.

So here I am, Adolf Hitler’s really, really gay Jew-loving grand- son, writing the foreword to what will be the greatest, most fan- tabulous book ever written about the Jewish people!!! It’s just as good as Mein Kampf, but funnier and with more pictures! And Bryan and Sam are such Heiße Stücke von Juden Esel!⁶ So I hope you enjoy these crazy Jews as much as I enjoy mine! Speaking of which, I better punch out so I can go home and get the house ready for Hymie’s surprise 75th birthday party tonight. When he comes in, I’m going to jump naked out of an enormous hamen- taschen! And guess what he’s getting for his birthday? A brand- new hardcover edition of Mein Cock!

Auf Wiedersehen! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo,

1 Translation: “But you can copy this, bitch!”

2 Translation: “That really ties my penis in a knot!”

3 Translation: “Is a Jew-loving Homosexual!”

4 Translation: “Happier than a pig in shit.”

5 Translation: “I want to grab your balls.”

6 Translation: “Hot pieces of Jew ass!”

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Media-controlling Moishe goes for a walk.

HISTORY—PART 1:

CHAPTER ONE

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

Are you a Jew?Think about it before you answer. Really think about it. If both of your parents are Jewish, you had a Bar (or Bat) Mitzvah, you go to a Passover Seder every other year, and you go to synagogue every three years, your knee-jerk answer might be, “Yeah. I’m a Jew. You got a problem with that, pal?”

But look deep into your heart. Are you a true-blue Jew? If so, you kvetch about your multitudinous allergies. You send your food back at every restaurant you set foot in. If so, you don’t know how to fix a car engine—or, for that matter, open a car’s hood.

Fig. 1.1

The gleaming abs of a non-Jew.

Fig. 1.2

This book was originally written in Hebrew. If any of the jokes don’t seem funny, blame the shoddy translators.

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Even if you are a true-blue Jew, it’s impossible to fully understand yourself without looking back—way back. How did we become the bank-owning, media-controlling, economy-manipulating, world-dominating peoples that have been despised since the beginning of time? One simply needs to examine our history—a history of death, destruction, neuroticism, and overbearing, painfully intrusive parental love—to make sense of where it all came from. Unless you don’t care and you’re one of those self-hating Jews who doesn’t read Hebrew, wears leather pants, has six-pack abs, and not only owns power tools…but knows how to use them (Figs. 1.1 and 1.2).

We shudder to think...

IN THE BEGINNING, GOD CREATED THE HEAVENS, THE EARTH, AND ANXIETY

The story of Creation is told in Genesis, the first book of the Torah (Fig. 1.3). While there are many theories as to who actually transcribed the Torah from what was allegedly God’s word, it is apparent that they had no access to a library and a very hazy understanding of science. The Torah claims that God created the world in six days, less time than it takes most people to return a phone call. God then mashed together a bunch of earth and blew the “breath of life” into it, creating the first human, Adam. Adam lived in the lush paradise of Eden and spent his days hanging out with all the animals God had created. God even let Adam take care of all the animals and name them, which is why in biblical times rabbits were called BouncyFurryBalls and male donkeys (i.e., jackasses) were called George W. Bush.

But Adam was lonely with no one but animals to talk to all day, so God created him a female mate, Eve (Fig. 1.4). God said to Eve, “Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you.” Eve responded, “Righhhhht, got it,” and rolled her eyes. For the next several years, Adam and Eve lived in their heavenly paradise with low real estate taxes and plentiful parking. One fateful day, while they were out in the garden naming the weasels Dick Cheney, a serpent offered to hook them up with some primo fruit from the Tree of Knowledge. Adam refused because God had previously told him that if he ate the fruit he would die. Eve egged Adam on, saying, “Just try it, you never do anything fun!” Adam, in the first instance of a man being pussy-whipped, ate the forbidden fruit. For their sins, God expelled them from the garden. According to a famous bit of biblical apocrypha, this is when Adam turned to Eve and said, “I told you we should have ordered in!” Jews have been living in exile and blaming things on their wives ever since.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough, by disobeying God Adam and Eve brought sin into the world. No longer would it be easy to harvest fruit, as thorns and weeds would make farming hard labor, women would give birth in pain, and the animals, which were once kind and gentle, became dangerous and carnivorous, especially the George W. Bushes and the Dick Cheneys.

Fig. 1.3

The coolest part of the Torah.

Fig. 1.4

And Eve said unto Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

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History—Part 1: Where It All Began ...

Exiled from the Garden, things only got worse. Adam and Eve’s 56 children spawned a whole race of wicked, evil, corrupt inbreeds that populated the Earth. They grew wickeder and wickeder, until they were wicked wicked. This was when God decided to sweep the earth clean in an enormous flood, declaring the world’s largest Do-Over. God entered a covenant with the least wicked spawn he could find, Noah, promising to save him and his inbred family from the flood if they would build an ark and save the world’s animals. Noah built the ark, and has since gone down in the annals of history as the last known Jew to have a boat and actually use it.

ABRAHAM: THE UR-JEW FROM UR

Judaism itself didn’t get going for another couple hundred years after the flood, during which the world repopulated itself in a new, slightly less-wicked way. Around 1800 B.C.E., Abraham was born in Ur, which is somewhere in Mesopotamia. One day, young Abraham had a revelation that this whole idol-worshipping society was