whiskerslist

Acknowledgments

This book would never have come to be without the daily inspiration of my three feline fuzzbutts, Saffy, Cosmo, and Phoebe. They allow me to write the craziest things about them and expose their deepest and darkest secrets—you know, like their affinity for watching me shower and do the rest of my bathroom business.

A huge thanks to my editor at Running Press, Jennifer Leczkowski, whose cheerful communication, positive demeanor, and helpful guidance made the entire publishing experience a dream. Thank you to Matthew Frederick for the brilliant cover concept and Jason Kayser for the fabulous design. Much gratitude to Suzanne Wallace for her enthusiasm as the book’s publicist.

Thanks to all my cat blogging buddies—your friendship and support mean the world to me. Thanks to Dusty Rainbolt for assuring me I could do this and Nicky Westbrook for always listening to my crazy ideas and sharing ridiculous amounts laughter with me for more than 25 years.

I have endless appreciation and respect for my agent, Sorche Fairbank of Fairbank Literary Representation. She took a chance on me and generously shared her patience and knowledge with this literary newbie. Whiskerslist would not be what it is without her collaboration and willingness to dissect and discuss the most ridiculous cat-related scenarios with me. She’s the best.

Lastly, the support and encouragement of my family has been immeasurable. They gave me quiet space to write, told me they were proud of me, and kept laughing even when they were sick to death of looking at silly cat photos. My infinite love and gratitude goes to John, Katie, Ben, Mom, Harlan, and Maureen. Thank you for loving me and letting me be weird.

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Introduction

Have you ever wondered what your cats are up to when left alone? Forget the expense of a nanny cam—I have proof. Despite their best efforts at keeping the whole operation private, we’ve uncovered evidence revealing what really happens the minute you’ve left the house. Lack of opposable thumbs be damned! Before your car’s reached the bottom of the driveway, the cat’s already fired up your laptop and logged onto whiskerslist.com, the hub for online felines looking to:

•  find a meaningful relationship, missed connection, or quick hookup.

•  sell that sock you were certain the dryer ate, relocate that favorite tossed toy, or traffic your used Q-tips.

•  weigh in on discussions about two-timing toms, post-kittens weight loss, and stupid human tricks.

•  rant about the repulsive neighbor dog that keeps humping the mailman or the other cat who keeps stinking up the litter box.

•  locate a class to learn tips for great hiding spots, master the art of looking away while being photographed, or discover creative ways to reuse hairballs.

•  find support groups for where they can fly their mixed-breed freak flag and break compulsive behavior like cord chewing and string swallowing.

•  hire a lawyer to go after the bastards who keep changing your brand of litter, post embarrassing photos of you in costume, or worse, or engage in feline genital mutilation.

. . . and that’s just what’s been posted in the last hour.

The whiskerslist cat community is steadily gaining members, and as more of these fuzzy little wi-fi weasels plug in passwords, we humans stand to lose more and more control. I shudder to imagine the day I happen across an ad for “female human for sale: passable lap size, leaves OK amount of food unattended on kitchen counter, shoes moderately stinky, buys crappy toys . . . make an offer.” That time is not that far away, friends.

What to do? Read this book carefully and become familiar with the type of activity that’s happening right under your nose. Frequently change the wi-fi password and monitor your cat(s), looking for signs of suspicious behavior. It also might not be a bad idea to start buying better cat toys.

With urgency, I beg you to start reading now, but do it behind closed doors . . . they’re watching.

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wilmington whiskerslist > community > groups

The first rule of catfight club . . .

Date: 2013-06-18 8:52PM EDT

Neutered male indoor cat looking to sneak out at night and take out some aggression with males in similar circumstances. Are you tired of being bullied by the dog and then scolded when you try to fight back? Sick of having your treats stolen by the other cat when you’re not looking? Let’s meet in local alleys for some serious catfighting! Claws out, muthaf**kas! They may have taken away the balls, but they can’t take away the brawls!

Only contact me if you are serious about REAL fighting and keeping it on the down-low. There WILL be rules, and the first rule of catfight club is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT CATFIGHT CLUB.

•  Location: Wilmington, DE

•  ID: 74859879345

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jackson whiskerslist > personals > casual encounters

Female in heat looking for quick hookup

Date: 2013-05-18 3:18AM CDT

Can you hear me howl? I’m rolling around and rubbing myself on the sofa thinking of you. Absolutely no strings attached. You won’t be disappointed. Meeeooow!

•  Location: Jackson, MS

•  ID: 36468134

whiskerslist > discussion forums > romantic advice

    

So I went on a blind date with this hot DSHF last week and she took me back to her place and then spent half the night in the litter box while I was left with her SIX kittens! WTF?? <wtfdate> 04/12/13 05:02

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ashland whiskerslist > for sale / wanted > free stuff

Free: empty TP roll, excellent condition

Date: 2013-05-13 9:09PM PDT

Freshly emptied, quality name brand TP roll, pristine and ready for play. I already have five, otherwise I’d keep it myself. Free to good home.

•  Location: Ashland, OR

•  ID: 9465464251

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fresno whiskerslist > services offered > legal services

Class Action Lawsuit is no LOL

Date: 2013-02-10 7:18AM PST

If your photo has been stolen and illegally used for LOLcat purposes, we can get you a settlement. You are not alone. Many cats have already come forward. Contact us at the law offices of Stripey, Boots, and Pawzlowski. We can help you get the compensation you deserve for losing your dignity.

•  Location: Fresno, CA

•  ID: 28340930808044

 

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new york city whiskerslist > community > activity partners

Help me crash dog show?

Date: 2013-01-04 9:03PM EST

Looking for a group of pranksters to help me crash the Westminster Dog Show. I have a jar of fleas and a gallon size ziplock of my own poop. I’m even willing to shave myself and streak during Best in Show. Any joiners?

•  Location: New York, NY

•  ID: 483497874

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dallas / ft. worth whiskerslist > personals > male seeking female

Looking for sexy, purebred pussycat to rock my world

Date: 2013-02-18 9:12PM CST

My name is Hector and you want me. I am an 8-year-old gray-and-white mancat who likes to party big-time. You are a trim, purebred, medium- to longhaired hottie with a free spirit and no kittens or fleas. Rhinestone collars, colored kitty nail caps a plus. Come over to my place and let’s share a drink from my bathtub faucet.

•  Location: Fort Worth, TX

•  ID: 834957993

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hickory whiskerslist > gigs > talent gigs

Loaf models needed for local bread-baking class

Date: 2012-09-17 7:09PM EDT

Local Community Ed is looking for cats to model various loaf shapes for new fall bread-baking class (especially looking for mini loaves and extra-large, sourdough-loaf shapes). No experience necessary, all shapes and sizes welcome to apply. Long-bodied cats that can model croissants and cinnamon rolls will be given extra compensation.

•  Location: Hickory, NC

•  ID: 473929980

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louisville whiskerslist > for sale / wanted > items wanted

Loking for new nip conextion

Date: 2013-04-12 1:11AM EDT

Hey. My nip conextion moved to Cincinati and I need sum. Can you help a brotha out? I am also in serous need of sum Flavor Blasted Beef treats. The kind thar are shped like stars and triangls. Do you now what Im talking about? I will meet you anywhere. Thx.

•  Location: Louisville, KY

•  ID: 379879879

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roanoke whiskerslist > community > groups

Anger Management Group Looking 4 New Members

Date: 2013-03-14 5:23PM EDT

Friends and family tired of you flying off the the handle? Learn techniques that will help you stop before rabbit-kicking the face off humans who insist on dressing you in ill-fitting sailor suits and stupid Santa hats. Pick up tips from experienced members so you can refrain from biting the necks of other cats who don’t respect your personal space. Let’s not be angry TOGETHER.

•  Location: Roanoke, VA

•  ID: 48799702

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dallas / ft. worth whiskerslist > personals > male seeking female

Looking for cute female to hang out with

Date: 2013-03-01 8:10PM CST

My name is Hector. I am an 8-year-old gray-and-white mancat who likes a variety of indoor and outdoor activities. You are a moderately trim female (crossbreed / minor post-litter pudge, OK) with absolutely no fleas. If you have kittens, I can help line up a sitter. Let’s hang out and see what happens.

•  Location: Fort Worth, TX

•  ID: 834957993

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allentown whiskerslist > community > groups

Holiday Depression? Join Our Supprt Group

Date: 2012-12-03 2:19AM EST

The holidays are a particularly difficult time, what with the neverending parade of holiday cat clothing, antlers, and hats. And then the humans just laugh at us. They think it’s “funny” and “cute.” And they take photos, post them on the computer, and use them for Christmas cards. It’s downright degrading. And those lucky ones whose humans don’t subject them to this godawful routine taunt us mercilessly. Come be with other cats dealing with the same issues and support each other as you get through this not-so-merry time of year. Together, we just might have a voice.

•  Location: Allentown, PA

•  ID: 83493298793

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bozeman whiskerslist > services offered > legal

GENITAL MUTILATION VICTIM? HELP IS JUST A CALL AWAY

Date: 2013-01-30 10:12PM MST

Were your genitals mutilated in a “neuter” or “spay”?

You may not be able to get your genitals back, but I can get you the compensation you rightly deserve for this atrocity.

I’ve won hundreds of genital mutilation cases and will be happy to meet with you for a FREE CONSULTATION.

Mittens McMullen, Attorney at Law

“Extending My Claws . . . So You Don’t Have To.”

•  Location: Bozeman, MT

•  ID: 783948987

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phoenix whiskerslist > services offered > creative services

Tasteful Boudoir Photos

Date: 2013-01-07 2:56PM MST

Next month is Valentine’s Day and there’s still time to schedule a boudoir photo shoot for your sweetheart! We specialize in tasteful poses in a variety of settings / backgrounds. Professional grooming prior to the shoot is included. Contact us for pricing.

•  Location: Phoenix, AZ

•  ID: 7483499379797

whiskerslist > discussion forums > food

    

What’s the best thing you’ve stolen off the kitchen counter? <countercruiser> 04/18/13 04:02

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dallas / ft. worth whiskerslist > personals > male seeking female

Wanted: Female

Date: 2013-03-12 6:23PM CST

My name is Hector. I am an 8-year-old gray-and-white mancat who likes whatever you like. You are a thin/fat/purebred/crossbred/stray/one-eyed/three-legged female with or without fleas, mites, ticks, kittens, or mange. Give me a yowl—I can be there in ten minutes.

•  Location: Fort Worth, TX

•  ID: 834957993

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new york city whiskerslist > services offered > small biz ads

***no Risk OPPORTUNITY***

Date: 2013-01-30 10:12PM EST