Girl Power

COPYRIGHT

Copyright © 1995 by Hillary Carlip

All rights reserved.

Grateful acknowledgment is made to Red Crane Books for permission to reprint an excerpt from the previously published "Working in the Dark: Reflection of a Poet of the Barrio"

© 1992 by Jimmy Santiago Baca.

Warner Books, Inc.

Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue

New York, NY 10017

Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

First eBook Edition: October 2009

ISBN: 978-0-446-56753-4

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

A zillion thanks to my loved ones whose endless support I cherish, and whose contributions to my life, in so many ways, have helped me to realize this book, especially Miriam and Bob (wish you were here!) Carlip and Maxine Lapiduss.

A trillion thanks to Nanielle Devereaux for all her assistance—her brilliant offerings, insight and input.

Also to my circle of amazing muses and angels, all incredibly talented and inspiring in their own art. Their presence and/or feedback has contributed much to Girl Power—Katie Ford, Miriam Eichler Rivas, Danielle Eskinazi, Francesca Lia Block, Leni Schwendinger, Jessie "Cookie" Nelson, Wendy Melvoin, Lisa Coleman and Leigh-Kilton Smith (assistant, researcher and schemestress extraordinaire!).

A bazillion thanks to my editor Anne Hamilton, whose belief in Girl Power, ongoing encouragement, and input were invaluable.

A billion thanks to my agents Julie Fallowfield and Louise Quayle for their faith in me from the start, and their constantly inspired ideas.

A million thanks to all those who especially went out of their way to help make it happen: Sam Christensen, Ken Cortland, Howard Carlip, Sally Lapiduss, Jackie Nadler, Libby Applebaum, Teresa Jordan, Ann Block, Diane Krausz, Jaime Hubbard, Kristin Hahn, Bobbie Birleffi, Jennifer Thuma. Robin Segal and Ira Kruskol/Aviva Center; John Imperato/L.A. Gay and Lesbian Community Center; Jennifer Ross/Fenway Community Health Center; Linda Habalow/Youth and Family Center; Bobbie Savage and Linda Feldman/L.A. County Department of Education; Martha Pritcher/Hill House, Pittsburgh; Karen Pomer, Laurel Ollstein, Ruth Beaglehole/Business Industry School; Corky Barnes/California High School Rodeo Association; Alan Waters/FFA Enterprise, Alabama; Tammy Skubina/Benton County Extension Office; Charlie Haussman/Takini School, Cheyenne River Indian Reservation; Kathy Huse-Wika/Black Hills Special Services Cooperative; Margie Pierce/Southern California Indian Center; Su Manuel/New Generations, Tule River Indian Reservation; Greg Janicke/Kansas City Star; Sister Pat Thalhuber; Margaret Swanson and Daniel Gabriel/COMPAS; Marc Choyt/Santa Fe Indian School; Sheena Lester/RapPages; Raymond O'Neil/Fly Paper; Ben Marcus/Surfer Publications; Mary Lou Drummy/USSF; Miles McQueen/Juice Magazine; Shirley Ito/Amateur Athletic Foundation; Karen Weisman/Amateur Softball Association: Wendy Triplett/CLAWS; Mitzi Witchger; Bob Szyman/St. Louis Wheelchair Basketball Association; Angela Perez; Mary Stevenson/Pleasant Hills High School; Tim Orr and Adriana Oliviera/BORP: Alicia Montecalvo; Stephanie Price/Home Economics Education Association; Frank LaMeira/Danfranc Productions; Dr. Gary and Vivian Ellison/Vivianna Productions; Gail Holvey/Miss North America Scholarship Pageant.

Thanks also to all the magazines, papers and other publications that were kind enough to print an article or mention when I was reaching out to girls and seeking submissions.

Aviva center for their tireless efforts in making a difference in teenage girls' lives, and to the girls there whose willingness to express themselves led me to Girl Power.

The newspapers and magazines who encourage teenage girls' expression and supported the book by allowing me to include pieces that they had previously published. A resource list including their addresses can be found in the back of the book.

Lastly, I would like to acknowledge all the girls who were courageous enough to pick up a pen and share their lives, their visions, their fears and their secrets. Whether their writing ended up in the book or not, they are most certainly a part of Girl Power.

And, as in every moment of my life, I offer my gratitude to God/Goddess.

CHAPTER ONE

Homegirls

I think I am a real nice and good girl. I don't do anything bad. I might make a mistake but I still a good girl.

Margarita might have made a few mistakes. She's shot up heroin, been in juvenile hall several times, brought a gun to school and threatened to kill herself, given birth to two children, and writes: "I am a poor alcoholic." But upon meeting Margarita, one can see she is indeed a nice and good girl. She's only fifteen.

Margarita resides at Aviva, a residential treatment center for "troubled" girls in Los Angeles, California, one of the many programs of this sort throughout the country. Physically, emotionally, and sexually abused, neglected, and abandoned young women between the ages of thirteen and eighteen live at Aviva, which boasts an on-premises school and offers family and individual therapy as part of its rehabilitation program.

The girls are in what's called "the system," placed at the center by social workers and parole officers, some from the Department of Children's Services, most fresh out of juvenile hall.

Out of the thirty-six girls who live there at one time, over a dozen gangs are represented. There are also runaways, prostitutes, junkies, thieves. Some are suicidal, others are homicidal. They're covered with tattoos, burn marks, and scars.

And in almost every girl's room at Aviva, there on her bed sits a teddy bear.

Yo! What's up? My name is Tonisha but they call me Little Smurf or Critter! I am 14 years old and I'm a Virgo. My hobbies are basketball, baseball, volleyball and talking to my stuffed animals—(We have a lot in common my stuffed animals and I.)

Most of the girls I met and worked with at Aviva are defensive, defiant, aggressive and temperamental. They appear to be way beyond their years, having seen and experienced more than most people, especially those their own age. Yet beneath the surface, evidenced not only by the teddy bears and other girlish items that adorn their rooms but also by the vulnerability they occasionally allow themselves to express, they are still teenage girls. In fact, some often seem to regress and behave as if they were even younger, since most have been robbed of their childhoods by horrific events and circumstances.

Claudia, age fifteen, is a striking brunette with hazel eyes and long, wavy hair. She listens to heavy metal and enjoys writing poetry. Her writing describes her world:

Well I have had many difficulties in my life with many things such as rape, molestation, abuse. I also have written poems that go with my emotions. There's only a few other topics I want to talk about and those are suicide, death, and drugs. Everything I write is about real life things that have or are happening to me. I only wish people could realize what is happening and that kids are doing whatever happened to them, to others…

The Homegirls' family inheritances of abuse, neglect, and disrespect often lead them to joining gangs. In a gang, not only can they act out their rage, but also gain the respect, support, love and trust they do not receive at home, creating a new family structure.

In the past several years, the number of girls in gangs, as well as girls committing violent crimes, has risen dramatically.

To join a gang, one must undergo some sort of initiation. A girl is most often "jumped in," meaning the gang members beat up on her simultaneously for a minute, sometimes longer. She can also be "diced in," "rolled in," "sexed in," or "trained in," all terms for a sexual initiation that involves rolling dice and then having sex with as many fellow male gang members as the dice indicates—usually unprotected.

Although most of the girls feel that their gangs fill an empty space in their lives, providing the care they don't receive elsewhere, they are also well aware of the consequences of belonging to one.

Yolanda is articulate and intelligent with a biting sense of humor. She describes herself as "a 16 year old African American with a 3.4 grade point average." Beside enjoying sports and going to school, she likes to "interact with my peers and other people that I don't know.… I plan to go to Howard University and get a masters in Psychology and later go on to be a lawyer or work in child development (play therapy.)"

She is also in a gang. Yolanda writes:

There are many positive and rewarding things about being a gang member. There are people that look out for you and the rest of the little homies. We make sure that everybody always has somewhere to stay and that they are always fed. We do a lot of positive things in the community like have football, basketball and baseball games. Some of the bad things we do are kill innocent people sometimes. And we take people's lives when nobody should be taking nobody's life.…

I came from a single parent household and my mother was constantly working, going to school or taking care of me and my younger brother. Me and my mom never talked so we never had a mother and daughter relationship and we really never talked about the changes that were going on in my life. So when I was 11 years old, I felt that I was grown and that I could come and go when I got ready. So I joined a local gang and started selling drugs and not going to school. I continued to do this for about 2 years come and go when I felt like it, smoke and sell drugs, and just not go to school. when I was 13 years old my brother that was 2 years old got killed by our worst enemy and that put me in a position where I did something that now I look back upon and I can't believe that I would let myself be put in a position to act in a manner like that. When I was 14 years old me and my mom decided for me to go back to school and also this was my first time that I got arrested. I got arrested for possession of a concealed weapon and for drugs but I got off with probation. Later that year after my 15th birthday, me and my homies got high and I decided to steal a car. So I went and I stole a car and there was a purse and credit cards in the trunk so I went to the mall and forged credit cards. Compton Police Department came to my house, arrested me and booked me. I went to Juvenile Hall for awhile then went to court and they placed me in Aviva. I can really say that I am happy that I made these mistakes because this has directed me to what I want to do in life. I am also happy because I can use these mistakes as stepping stones. Because just think if I would not have gotten arrested I would probably be dead or in worse places.

Eighteen-year-old Ali, who is pregnant with her second child, is rethinking her gang affiliation:

… I've had friends killed because of it. 2 weeks ago I had a friend killed right in front of my stepmother's house. My friends had a car wash to raise some money for his funeral. It's so hard out there. I've been just one of the lucky ones. I've been shot at and missed. I've chased. I still don't understand how I was living this life. You get involved into drugs, get put in jail for a couple of times for different things. Right now I have an uncle and also a friend doing time for attempted murder on another gang member. I just recently have a friend who just got out of L.A. after doing 10 years for attempted murder on a rival gang member.

I don't think we should have gangs because we are fighting over stupid things, over a street or a color. What we really should do is unite together and go against those that are perpetrating us.…

Serafina, age seventeen, also considers her future in the following excerpt:

I am in a gang… I've been in it since I was young. My brothers are from it my sister isn't but I think that I stop because I'm tired of the killings and violence that's happened around my neighborhood and to my friends and family. Another reason is because I'm a female and when I have kids I don't want them to look at me as a gang banging mother I would like a lot of respect.

Like Serafina, many of the girls share their desire for respect as a mother, clearly because they never got it as a daughter. Along with the resentment many Homegirls feel toward their families, this resentment often being the impetus for them to join gangs, at the same time a common theme in the writing of these girls is the basic and simple desire for love and acceptance, especially from their mothers:

Dear Mommy,

I really do miss you. I'm surprised you chose your husband over your little girl, your oldest son and your mother. Just because he said you can't have anything to do with them. Well I'm not the one hurting it's you missing your family and being totally dependent on him. And all I have to say now is Bitch, I hope you suffer all through life. Then when you want to be bothered with me you sneak to call me, but hang up on me as soon as you hear your husband's voice.

—Tanita, age 14

At the age of sixteen, a striking young brunette woman with several tattoos and shocking blue eyes consistently writes about her tormented life full of terrifying circumstances, morbidity, drugs, destruction and death. Ironically, her name is Serenity.

Reading of her past and present pain, it was no surprise that when I first met Serenity, she was hostile, raging and rebellious. In workshops, she almost always refused to participate and when she did, her writing would be scrawled heavily and almost illegibly across the page. Yet her insight and brilliance managed to peek through the furious façade.

In a poem for her deceased mother, Serenity lets us in on what happened when she was just five years old.

HE TOOK HER LIFE THE WAY
THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE MINE

Written for my mother Maureen… Dec. 17th, 1952–Dec 30th, 1979.

SHE WAS MY MOTHER

NOT A DRUG USER AT ALL

A WOMAN IN THE WORLD

WHERE THE SPACE WAS TOO SMALL

THE ADDICTION GREW STRONGER

THE LOVING GREW WALLS

THAT'S WHEN HER LIFE TOOK A MASSIVE FALL

SHE WAS ALL ALONE

IN HER WORLD OF HATE

SUICIDE WAS ALL SHE SAW

THAT WAS HER FATE

SHE ATTEMPTED SUICIDE MANY TIMES BEFORE

BUT IN HER EYES, LIFE WAS ONLY A LOCKED DOOR

NO WAY TO BREAK THROUGH

NO WAY TO WALK

SHE TRIED TO FLY

BUT THE MASTER ONLY BALKED

HER LIFE WAS EMPTY

THERE WAS NO PLAN

THAT'S WHEN SHE MET DEATH

IN THE FORM OF A MAN

THE MAN WAS EVIL WITH AN INGENIOUS PLAN

TO MOLD HER OF HELL AND CUT HER LIFE SPAN

TO MAKE HER LIVE LOCKED UP IN SATAN'S CAN

HE MADE HER PREGNANT

AND CARRY HIS DEVIL'S SPAWN

AND WHEN HIS WORK WAS OVER

IT WAS TIME HE MOVED ALONG

HE DROVE HER INSANE

TO A LIFE OF DISTORTION AND PAIN

WHERE THE ONLY THING SHE LIVED FOR

WAS THE NEXT SLAM TO THE VEIN

WHEN THE MAN TURNED THE TABLES

SHE TRIED TO STOP THE PROCESS BUT

WAS UNABLE

HE KNEW THE TIMING WAS NOW

AND SHE WOULD NOT FIGHT

THAT IS WHEN SHE BURNED TO DEATH

ON THAT DARK AND MOURNFUL NIGHT!

     FOR MY MOTHER MAUREEN

     CAUSE OF DEATH IS SUICIDE

     MY MOTHER POURED GASOLINE ON HER BODY

     AND SET HERSELF ALITE!

          DECEMBER 30TH, 1979.

Claudia gives an idea about her relationship with her mother when she writes: "I would bring my mother back some bud and some tabs (acid) to make her happy."

In an excerpt from a haunting poem, she lets us further into her family life:

SADNESS

… Sadness is something that can make you feel sick

When a grown man has you touching his dick.

Sadness is something that cannot be stopped

Even when a grown man's taking off your top.

Sadness cannot be removed with a four-leaf clover

When a grown man touches your body all over.

Sadness is something that hurts to think about

Sadness can make you scream and shout.

There's also but one other person who's done this
    to me

This one other person made me suck his thang.

Sadness is something that you can create

Sadness is something that puts you in a depressive
     state.

This one person that did this is close to me

That's why the name I cannot tell you, can't you see.

Sadness is something that cannot be fixed

Sadness is something with lots of tricks.

You have to figure out who you can trust

This I had to tell you, it was a must.

Sandy is sixteen, with long blond hair that makes her pale face appear almost translucent except for, as she describes them, "nasty freckles." She dresses in velvet and flowing paisleys with lots of jewelry: part mystical, part heavy metal. She says her favorite animals are "centaurs, unicorns, pegasus and dragons." Sandy's relationship with her mother figures prominently in her ending up at Aviva:

I am in the system of probation because when my mom got arrested, I basically had no one to go to so I went off in my own little world which was based on "drugs, music and phsychedelic pictures for acid trips and friends".… The police came and got them and me too. They asked me my age I said 18 so I could be put in jail with my mom because I had it planned through the hole thing so that I would be able to be with her.

* * *

The girls at Aviva all live together in a dormitorylike building, some sharing rooms. Although constantly surrounded by each other and staff members, as well as venturing out together often on activities and outings, many of the girls admit in their writing to feeling confined and alone.

PLACEMENT

Trapped

Four walls

Two windows

And one door

Alone

Scared and frightened

Sorry

The mistakes, the sins

Help

I'm trapped

No where to go

Nothing to do

Nothing to say

No one to talk to

No one to kiss

No one to hug

Trapped

Trapped and all alone

Because I'm in placement.

—Susan, age 16

One of the ways Aviva attempts to instill a sense of responsibility in the girls is to have minimum security. Although the girls are watched over, they are not behind bars and there are windows and doors throughout the building. Many have left of their own volition by AWOLing; one girl even stole the postman's truck as the mail was being delivered. Most who leave take to the only place they can with hopes of not being found and sent back to jail—the streets. Claudia AWOLed several times before she finally finished her time and found stability and love in a foster home.

Just go away, I'm begging you please

I have a headache that just won't ease

Now you're getting on my nerves

I sit down depressed on the corner curb

Now that I AWOLed and am on the streets,

I now realize that I'm very weak

I'm stupid, I'm bored, I'm very dumb

I'm so bored, my brain is now numb

This place is so very, very stupid

I don't know now what to do

I'm hating life right now

Life's painful like seeing a slaughtered cow

Do you know what it's like?

Do you know how to fix it?

I sure don't, I certainly wish I did.

* * *

Through intensive individual, group, and family therapy, the girls at Aviva are encouraged to look at problems, and are offered tools and healthy ways of dealing with them.

In her therapy, Yolanda, who turned to a gang at age eleven, has had significant insights on her displaced anger:

When I was younger I wasn't used to hearing my mother or my grandma telling me no. And I am still not used to it. I don't think I will ever be used to it. It is very difficult for me to be a teenager and in placement. And when I ask my mom for something and she can't or doesn't give it to me, it hurts a lot. I am very angry at my mom and when I get angry at someone, instead of placing the anger where it belongs, I take it out on myself. I am not used to dealing with my anger or frustrations and sometime I get the insentive that they hurt or made me angry because of something I have done. I always feel that it is me—well, if I wouldn't have said that or maybe if I did say this they wouldn't be angry with me. So I need to stop beating up on myself and start placing the anger where it belongs.

In many situations, there is no time to consciously choose how to express anger. It erupts, and for some, it is impossible not to release it. One girl writes about pounding on walls and punching stuffed animals in her fury; another tears and rips paper to shreds as if it were a person. And one young girl's release is only found when she bites herself.

Ali finds yet another method of dealing with her feelings:

I get a lot of things out of writing when I'm angry, I can't get my anger out appropriately. When I'm sad I write down how I feel. I very much enjoy it cause I can't get my anger out in appropriate ways and I keep myself from getting in trouble with any anger I do feel. It helps me all the time. I enjoy writing…

Yet a lot of Homegirls find that the same kind of expression makes them too vulnerable, especially if their diaries and poems have been discovered by a parent or relative. Some confiscate the writing; one girl's aunt even burned her poems right in front of her face, making her shut down even further. She refused to pick up a pen again.

* * *

To focus on the healing powers of imagination, in one workshop I asked the girls to describe their ideal day, one where they could do anything they wanted, with anyone, anywhere.

Most of the days were surprisingly routine: going to movies, shopping in southern California malls, partying with homegirls, drinking Cisco. Tonisha desires to "go to Disneyland, Africa, Hawaii and Jamaica. Get budded out. Buy candy, alcohol, everything. Play Nintendo, kick back, stay black and die."

In keeping with Serenity's themes of morbidity, she writes:

My ideal day or experience is going to hell to talk or meet with my mom, Jim M., Jimi H., Sid V., J.F.K., John L. , Freddie M., Janis J., Ghandi.…

And Sandy lets her fantasies fly:

My ideal day is travelling to Paris with George and as I and George get into our stretch limo with pool and hot tub and wet bar in it, the driver had opened up the door and 25 to 30 naked men some with brown hair, some with blonde, some with black, stripped me naked and tossed me in the hot tub and were at my every command and the bubbles were big blue and pink splashed all over my body and all the guys licked them off like a fruit roll-up. And then we arrived at the Palace. And then we all got out nude so the French thought it was the new style and stripped off all of their clothes. Then me and George got out of that exotic area and got on a ship cruise and as we looked out the port holes and watched the sun set and the waves turn into wild horses, so did we. I called for room service and ordered whipped cream, cherries, nuts and boy did George ever have a lot of that. And whips and handcuffs. Then we had a very creamy cherry-ish night.

Whether extravagant or simple, the majority of ideal days for these girls are filled with references to what is possibly the most universal wish: the wish for love.

If it was my day, I would go to my old man's pad and we would go down to the park and get money to get a hotel for the days at the Hilton motel. We would then have a big Lawndale party and no one else could come if they weren't from Lawndale. Me and my old man would have the biggest room and the number would be 13. And we would party and get fucked up then in the nite we would be alone and make sweet passionate love all nite long and try to do everything that I've learned about sex from the girls. And then he would get my name tattooed on him and I would get his on me. And then we would go out and be happy forever with each other, getting wasted. The day would end with me and Juan making love again all nite!!!

—Sancha, age 16

Love can also be a terrifying thing for some, like Serenity, who has experienced the damage it can cause:

Love is such a strange power

it envelopes you in its wicked and
     evil clutches

smashing and tearing all your emotions

trying to kill you.

Boyfriends play an important role in these Homegirls' lives. Whether they are really seeing someone or their fantasies have created the "perfect match." focusing on boys seems to keep the girls going. They constantly talk about them, carry their pictures, write them letters and wait for replies. Cloretta, age sixteen, ponders her relationship:

Right now I am very angry at my boyfriend because he's in prison for GTA [Grand Theft Auto] and he has about 1/2 year to do. He sent me a picture but that's not going to stop the pain that I feel for him at this time. I just don't know how or when to let go of him.

We have shared good and bad times together and I feel like we could have more but he has to promise that he will try to do the right thing and not the rong. I think that me and him could have a great life.

Yet as is evident in most of the girls' writing, boyfriends, as well as family, are not always to be relied upon. Whom can these young women turn to?

I am what society just puts in the back of their heads to forget about. As if we're the last thing in the world they need to worry or think about. And you know what? It really does suck. We get very lonely, stressed out, depressed and scared of how long society will keep us in here. I know it's not just on society, because a good portion goes on us, but who is to say that we should stay in a confined place?… It's not very reassuring when people don't trust you. And to make it worse, they don't get to know you. They read a file and then again, they judge you. Not by your personality or anything like that. But instead by our past, or our mistakes.

—Sandy

Yolanda believes the antidote for the kind of alienation many teenagers feel lies with others: