OMG WTF Does the Constitution Actually Say?

PRE-PREAMBLE

The Constitution is America’s instruction manual. Think of it as our “Terms and Conditions,” because like other terms and conditions most of us don’t know what the fuck is in it. Only 39 percent of American adults can name the 3 branches of government despite their being outlined in the Constitution’s first 3 articles. It’s weird that a country run by “the People” is full of people who don’t know how it runs. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but it seems convenient—for some—that most of us are in the dark. If we don’t know how our government works, it’s hard for us to hold our elected leaders accountable. In a way, our ignorance is their permanence and also JUST KIDDING, I AM A CONSPIRACY THEORIST. IT’S A CONSPIRACY.

Looking at our education system today, I don’t really get why most schools shoehorn “how government works” into U.S. history or social studies. It feels like a class that deserves exclusive focus. Growing up I remember nodding along to the names of our founders, the dates of pivotal events, and the stories of how we came to be. They’re all interesting to an extent, but I also felt like we were BOMBARDED BY HISTORY. Teachers were SO PUMPED about America’s beginnings that the actual info on how it functions was lost. Often times I just wanted someone to say, “Here’s how our government works, and here’s how you can affect it.”

BTW

Having said that—when I feel like context is needed—I’ll throw it here. “BTW” gives background, “FYI” defines stuff, “IMO” proposes things, and “N/A” means it no longer applies. Read them, skip them, or alternate. Do you.

FYI

It’s good to know terms. The “federal” government applies to all states and territories, which each has their own government. In addition to the 50 states there are 5 permanently inhabited territories—American Samoa (51,000 people), the Northern Mariana Islands (52,000 people), the U.S. Virgin Islands (107,000 people), Guam (167,000 people), and Puerto Rico (3.3 million people). American Samoa, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Puerto Rico have their own constitutions—as does each state—and the Northern Mariana Islands and Puerto Rico are “commonwealths” where Congress can’t take away their right to self-government (in this meaning of the word). But unlike states, territories lack congressional voting representation and the ability to vote for president (and for American Samoa, U.S. citizenship). There are also 9 permanently uninhabited territories—Baker Island, Howland Island, Jarvis Island, Johnston Atoll, Kingman Reef, Midway Atoll (40 wildlife workers), Navassa Island, Palmyra Atoll (20 scientists), and Wake Island (100 military personnel), and 2 disputed uninhabited territories—Bajo Nuevo Bank (disputed with Colombia) and Serranilla Bank (disputed with Colombia and Honduras). The federal government also governs Washington, D.C. (720,000 people), aka the seat of government, and it affects U.S. citizens living abroad. But the 573 federally recognized Native American tribes, on 326 federally administered reservations, with 1.2 million residents total, are largely left to local control. And then within states and territories there are cities, counties, towns, townships, and school districts with their own local governments. But this book covers the federal government and parts of state governments, since that’s what our Constitution establishes. Now that you know the federal government’s entire jurisdiction, let’s continue.

Because, in truth, I find our historical fixation sort of masturbatory, to the point of muddying the actual rules. It’s like approaching a recipe by analyzing the mind-set of the chef when he devised it. Were there exigent circumstances at the time of his cooking? Were his ingredients limited because of weather conditions or a lack of proximity to trade? Did he consider other chefs’ approaches before attempting his own? This may bring greater understanding to the dish, but also, just tell me how to make the fucking quiche.

I guess what I’m describing is the difference between U.S. history and civics. U.S. history leans on memorization and passive learning, while civics is our participation toolkit, the study of government and the rights and responsibilities of being a citizen. These include understanding how government works, at all levels, and knowing how we can use it to better our lives. But right now, our schools teach WAY more U.S. history than civics. As of this writing, 30 states require at least a year of U.S. history, while only 8 states require a year of civics or government. If we only spent a year learning how to read between kindergarten and 12th grade, we’d also suck at it. Maybe that’s why proficiency in civics across K–12 hasn’t reached 30 percent in the last decade. But civics isn’t some ditchable elective—it’s vital stuff. George Washington even tried to create a national university around it. In his 8th (and final) State of the Union address, he told Congress,

So, our first president thought it was the most important subject, and 224 years later just 8 states require a year of it. Great job, everyone!!

The idea for this book came about last year; I was cleaning my apartment when I came across my pocket Constitution from 8th grade (I was lucky my school distributed them). Out of curiosity, I decided to reread it. And honestly? It was rough. I know it’s 200+ years old, but the punctuation seemed picked from a hat. The sentences are dense. The phrasing is odd. For something so important it struck me how inaccessible it was. We can argue about grammar and whether it’s a necessity or a classist relic, but let’s be honest: If someone wrote and spoke in the style of the Constitution today, you would keep postponing plans with them.

In September of 1789—6 months after the Constitution took effect—Thomas Jefferson wrote to James Madison about treating constitutions as living works, so that past generations didn’t force outdated principles onto future ones.

I don’t know about brand-new constitutions every 19 years, but I do know that—of every country in the world—we have the oldest constitution still in use. So at a minimum, I can support updating its presentation every few years so that new generations can grasp it. Because before we decide to change the Constitution—or fight to keep it—we should know what it actually says. And while it’s true that the Constitution was originally written by a few of us, just for some of us, today it belongs to all of us. We have a right to know what’s inside.

And lastly, I wanted to make sure that, in the process of paraphrasing the Constitution, I wasn’t just injecting my bias. So I tried to note my opinions, while also running this book by multiple constitutional experts for their thoughts and feedback.

BTW

Yes, there are conflicting constitutional interpretations; ⅓ of the federal government (the judicial branch) is devoted to it. But while some of the Constitution has caused centuries of debate, I believe most of its information is straightforward, if oddly styled.

I’ve also included the Constitution’s original text, for reference, and I’ve added the Declaration of Independence. It isn’t part of the Constitution, but it did set the table for it.

So without further ado, here is a non-boring guide to the U.S. Constitution.