Body Kindness

Chapter 1

Body Kindness Pillars

Make the Choice That Matters Most

Love: Do what you love. Choices that fit your interests, personality, and preferences are good choices and they are the best way to express self-love.

Connect: Connect to your body. Be flexible enough to change your decisions based on how you feel, what you think your body needs, and what matters to you most.

Care: Every health choice you make, big and small, is evidence that you care about improving your well-being.

Set Up Your Body Kindness “Comfort Zone”

Think about the term “body kindness” and create your own definition with examples of what it means to you. Use the manifesto as a guide to think about the ways in which you want to practice body kindness more consistently.

With your definition in hand, you have a starting point for decision-making. Now, start tearing down obstacles. Detox yourself from dieting and appearance-focused influences that don't make you feel good or don't help you cultivate a better life. Break up with your old ways and set up a clean slate for body kindness. It's like a colonic for your mind—except this one is free and it works!

Cleanse yourself from “diet talk.” This includes conversations with friends and family, and avoiding certain websites, social media, articles, TV shows, etc. Unsubscribe from emails that make you feel bad about yourself and clutter your psyche. Put magazines in the recycling bin or donate them to the nail salon.

Put away the diet plans. Trash or donate anything that resembles a weight loss program. Forget about those calorie-counting, low-carb, fat-free diet books. This stuff does not help you be kind to your body. Replace them with recipes and meals you enjoy.

Banish diet foods. Get rid of anything that has been altered to look like a “health food.” Double-fiber cookies, spray butter, those low-carb “miracle noodles” that reek of rotten fish—say good-bye to all of them. Replace them with a variety of wholesome foods you crave.

Hide your calorie trackers. Our accuracy for estimating calorie intake stinks, and it's a major distraction from sensing your body's natural ways of regulating what you eat.

Shift energy with sage smudging. Burning sage—aka smudging—is an ancient practice to get rid of negative energy. You can smudge yourself, your house, your kitchen, or any sacred space that needs to be rid of diet demons. You can also pray, give a blessing, or ask someone to do it for you. These rituals can boost motivation and confidence as you start fresh.

Most of the time you know when you're not being kind to your body, because you feel it. Quiet down and listen, and you may hear your inner caregiver. She's probably saying something like, “Hey, it feels pretty crappy when you stay up late binge-watching Scandal episodes.” But old habits die hard, and you may need some reinforcement to better understand how powerful the simplest choices can be. One way to do this is to ask yourself the universal body kindness question: “Is this helping to create a better life for myself?” You don't need a perfect plan to start asking questions and raising your awareness about all the opportunities you have to practice body kindness. The change begins as soon as you start making different choices, and in some cases, it really is that simple for you to be on the body kindness path. Let easy be easy.

These statistics were life-changing for me. When I began to study positive psychology, I was already fully committed in my career to helping people enjoy a better life by building healthful habits, and I thought to myself, “Is it really that simple? Could I help my clients become happier just by helping them make daily choices that would bring them more joy and satisfaction?” On the flip side, I wondered, “Would adopting a healthier lifestyle be quicker, easier, and more effective if my clients were happier?” When I dug further into research, the answer I got was a resounding YES! In fact, I figured out that feeling good, being kind to your body, and being happy are all equally important for long-lasting change. Here's why it works:

Happy people tend to value kindness, gratitude, compassion, spirituality, and optimism. This mindset applies both to their relationships with other people and to themselves, increasing the likelihood they will make new habits stick.

Happy people have more positive emotions. They notice the “good stuff” when it's happening and they savor it.

Happy people set meaningful goals by allowing their values to guide ideas and decisions they feel deeply committed to.

Happy people are more resilient. They can bounce back from adversity when it arises and are less likely to sabotage their goals when emotionally distressed.

Happy people celebrate improvement and don't expect perfection. The satisfaction they feel allows them to enjoy the journey as they get even closer to their goals.

I believe that you can exponentially grow your health and happiness by layering body kindness choices on one another. The upward spiral you create pulls energy into your life, and your positive thoughts, feelings, and choices fuel one another and keep this powerful energy spiraling up. With this mindset, food, exercise, sleep, downtime, and other decisions are energy giving, not expending. You transfer accrued energy to the people and things you care deeply about and enhance your life in the process, becoming the best version of yourself. If you feel your energy levels depleting, you can make restorative choices.

The beautiful thing about upward spirals is you don't need a lot of time or energy to get them going. You can make a decision—or just have a thought—that grows your upward spiral or changes the trajectory of a downward spiral in an instant. If you get caught in a downward spiral, make the easiest body kindness choice you can think of and start spiraling up again from there. You can literally say, “Wait, this day isn't going the way I wanted it to. What's one small thing I can do right now to be kind to my body?” Then do it. For example, if you're sitting at your desk getting lost on social media when you should be finishing a project, the first step is to catch yourself in the act, and then do one thing that changes the course of your energy. Get up and do ten jumping jacks, pour yourself a glass of water, or just say “Stop, I don't really want this right now.” If you're in the midst of a difficult phone call that's making you feel crappy, finish the call while doing laps around the house. If you've already pulled out the ice cream, you can still stop and wait to enjoy it another time when you're not so hotheaded. You'll receive a powerful emotional boost each time you connect to your body and make a choice that is more caring and helpful in the moment.

How do you know when you're in a downward spiral? If you find yourself caught in a pattern of choices that you feel bad about, something isn't right. Check in with your thoughts and feelings. Take a few minutes to rewind your day—without judgment—and notice what happened that led up to your mood. No matter where you are in a downward spiral, the moment you notice what's happening is the best time to flip it upward. I've had daylong downward spirals I didn't notice until right before bed that I tracked back to my first thoughts and feelings of the day. Recognizing that I needed some serious nurturing, I'd pour a cup of tea, write in my journal, take a bath, or do something that felt like a little hug. These choices lead to better feelings, better choices, and better days.

If you don't have a morning ritual you love, try one of these seven ideas or create your own. Practice the daily rituals for a month to see for yourself if they help you start—and stay—positive.

1 Strike a “power pose.” Stand in front of the mirror, smile, and raise your arms over your head like Wonder Woman. Say something positive like, “I am strong!” or “I will be kind to my body today!” three times. Change up the poses in between if you feel like it. The book Presence by Amy Cuddy, PhD, suggests that the power pose flips a switch in your brain from negative thinking to positive thinking. Your body stances can literally change your mind.

2 Take some deep breaths. Find your favorite comfortable spot to sit, then close your eyes. Inhale deeply, allowing your chest and abdomen to expand. Imagine the day's new, fresh sunlight filling each of your cells. As you exhale completely and fully, imagine yourself cleansing within, creating space for whatever the day brings. Release anything from yesterday and prepare for a new day. Focused breathing elicits a relaxation response, impacting your heart, brain, digestive system, and immunity, which is an ideal way to start the day!

3 Spread gratitude. Thank your daily helpers—your childcare provider, the bus driver, your barista—for their hard work. Make a new friend while you're in line for coffee. Say good morning to a stranger. Surprise the person behind you by buying his coffee. Human connections make everyone feel good.

4 Ten minutes of stillness. Snuggle with your partner or your pet, or just relax by yourself. Breathe calmly and notice things. When you practice directing your mind in a relaxed state, you strengthen your awareness capabilities, which can save you from downward spirals.

5 Inversion therapy. Doing a headstand, handstand, or forward bend, or even hanging your head off the side of your bed gives an invigorating, healthy head rush. Get up slowly!

6 Let the sun shine in. Eat breakfast by a window or outside for a boost in your brain's serotonin level, which is linked with improved mood. Listen to the birds chirping or other signs of an energetic, living world just outside your door.

7 Seek to be inspired. Start each morning with a quote or meditation that sets the tone for your day. The power of our thoughts leads to physical manifestations. Spend a few moments clearly deciding how you wish to shape your day, and then act as if your intention has already come true.

Sometimes people feel like the best choice is always the healthiest option, but when it comes to body kindness, the best choice is the one that suits you, that motivates and satisfies you. You don't have to settle for anything less.

Body kindness strategies should feel natural and enjoyable and speak to your interests and goals. When you take these things into consideration, you'll care more and try harder to keep up a habit, even when it's not easy.

Using the list of upward spirals you created, brainstorm how you might step up your pleasure and satisfaction. Ask yourself: “How can I make this more fun? How can I make sure I do this more often? How can I work around any obstacles that prevent this from becoming a habit?”

Here's one example: You're trying to go to bed an hour earlier to get more sleep, but you find yourself staying up to watch TV. You rated going to bed as It's important to me even if I'm not enjoying it. What practical actions can you take that would make it more appealing to turn off the TV and go to bed? Maybe a soothing bedtime ritual like a scented bath, or just making sure you always have something good to read on your bedside table?

If you rated any of the upward spiral activities as I'm doing it more for someone else, this deserves a closer look. It's one thing to take care of yourself because you want to be healthy for your children or loved ones. It's another thing to make choices based on trying to please other people. You can use loved ones as positive motivators to keep you going, but forcing yourself to do things because others are nagging you is not your path to body kindness.

By now you should have a list of habits you'd like to enhance or grow, and a sense of how certain choices fit your personality and preferences. Your mission is to let go of choices that don't suit you and replace them with new options that do. Looking over the notes you've made in your journal, create a simple body kindness to-do list based on any ideas you came up with and start putting them into action. Pick the easiest change and do it first—right now if you can. Early, instant success fuels motivation. Track your choices for a day or a week. Note how making more feel-good choices impacts your energy levels and mood. You may notice when you track your choices that you're starting to create upward spirals intuitively. Use the information you collect in your journal for inspiring more motivation going forward. You will notice a lot more about what's working and what's not when you're tracking your choices.

The amount of work your brain has to do to make a choice and take action is its activation energy. Psychologists recommend you keep the brainpower expenditure low and avoid hemming and hawing over any decision that doesn't have major consequences. You can end up low on activation energy, and then making choices becomes more difficult. If you get stuck, ask yourself, “What's the least I can do?” And do it. Put one carrot on the plate, take a two-minute walk or three deep breaths when you feel emotionally charged. These are the kinds of tiny decisions you can make all day to keep your energy spirals moving in an upward direction. You can always take it further and challenge yourself more. By giving yourself less mountain to climb and more molehill, your brain will say, “Thank you for not being so difficult today!” and you'll make more body kindness choices.

What do you do when there are choices you know you should make, but you just don't feel like it? Everyone avoids; some people avoid more often than others. It can be a frustrating barrier to creating new habits. I have a couple of mental tricks I use when I have a hard time committing to a self-care decision. Consider how you will feel after you do it versus after you don't do it. Another one is to talk yourself into the first five minutes—and then you can quit if it's really that bad. You'll find that the hardest part was getting started, and you're often motivated to finish what you start.

Thalia is probably the most ambivalent and reluctant client I've worked with since starting in private practice ten years ago. When she came to my office for the first time, she was unhappy with her weight and had been binge eating after years of diets. Thalia had experienced some high highs and low lows in her life, from days in the spotlight as a professional opera singer to dark moments of depression when she contemplated ending her life.

Thankfully, with the help of a therapist, Thalia and I worked together to uncover the bright light that years of struggle had buried within her. In fact, against all odds Thalia recovered from binge eating while pursuing a PhD and working full-time. Over a two-year period, we discovered that she had undiagnosed ADHD, which took a significant toll on her confidence and her ability to follow through with healthful choices.

Thalia could easily get tripped up when it came to all the details of grocery shopping, meal planning, and food preparation. She needed help setting simple, realistic goals and following through on them. She also needed to build self-compassion. She was so nasty to herself—always criticizing, bullying, and shaming. Any small success was met with a sharp “not good enough” retort. Thalia often struggled with the downward spiral effect of poor choices. Staying up late to unwind in front of the TV led to poor sleep, which led to being tired, which led to skipping the workout (if it had even been planned) and saying “screw it, let's get pizza for lunch!” There were times I thought she was going to give up and walk away. But she never did, and I took it as a sign she was much stronger than she gave herself credit for.

Thalia's first big upward spiral came when we set the modest goal of fifteen minutes a day of joyful movement—it didn't matter what kind of movement, any movement would count as having met the goal for that day, whether it was a few laps in the pool or a stroll around the block. By freeing herself from all the heavy expectations of her past, Thalia began to realize she had many reasons to loathe exercise. It was how she punished herself for poor eating. And it was what she did to try to change her body, not take care of it. The turning point came when she began to see these negative thoughts and feelings as self-sabotaging beliefs she needed to walk away from. Being kind to her body meant these misguided “motivations” for exercise would be part of her past, not her destiny. Finally, she could let go of self-defeating behaviors and take back control of her life with small, consistent choices that were important to her.

Inspired by the success of this approach, Thalia's next small step was getting back into yoga. But this one held a lot of emotional turmoil for Thalia, and it wasn't easy to overcome the mean voice in her head saying, “You had a great practice ten years ago; now look at you.” Determined to remain open to opportunities for growth, she finally said “just this one class.” The instructor was very encouraging and invited her to a class the next day, and Thalia went! Thalia had known all along that her choices matter. She needed to say yes to one small choice and experience the upward spirals that resulted. There have been bumps in the road and setbacks along the way, but now Thalia knows that when a challenge arises she just has to do the next right thing and she will keep moving in the right direction.