Gay Astrology

Copyright

Copyright © 2001 by Michael Yawney

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

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First eBook Edition: January 2010

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ISBN: 978-0-7595-2547-4

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Aries

MARCH 21–APRIL 20

LOVING YOUR ARIES

For a car, going from 0 to 60 in a second is a good thing, but when a guy goes straight from "Hello, what is your name?" to "Do you swallow?" you kind of wish he had an emergency brake.

Not every Aries is stupid enough to actually voice his every smarmy thought, but he is thinking them. He considers every man he meets a potential notch on the bedpost.

That is until he decides a guy is lifelong love, soul-mate material.

If it were not for his childlike openness, he would be insufferable rather than cute. Aries even looks like a toddler as he rushes around with herky-jerky staccato steps, tripping over furniture, never at rest. Mr. Ram is always in a hurry, because he wants to cram as much living as possible into each day.

Even if he takes his time in coming on to you, he will not waste his efforts on small talk. If this is going anywhere, he needs to know that you can stimulate his mind as well. He will solicit your opinions, challenge them, then lead you over an intellectual obstacle course.

Then he will decide whether or not to sweep you off your feet. You can be as aggressive as you want in your pursuit of Aries, but in his mind you are a passive prize waiting to be won by a guy with cajones.

ATTRACTING AN ARIES

The techniques for nabbing Mr. Ram are counterintuitive. The man wants everything NOW! NOW! NOW! but only values men who make him wait, wait, wait. If you are too eager for him, he will write you off as a nobody with no life of your own. Though it appears that Aries wants to dominate his mate, it is the struggle for dominance that excites him, not the actual achieving of it.

For Aries the world is a battlefield and the most emotionally powerful relationships are combative. He is like a puppy who bites and claws at his brothers for the fun of it. The unconquerable man keeps his interest longer than the one who rolls over and plays dead.

For Mr. Ram, your other interests and commitments can be fascinating obstacles to winning you—but only if he believes he has a chance to win. If he feels that you are a hopeless cause, he will give up and move on to the next guy.

In romance, Aries does not show the same impatience he does elsewhere. If he thinks you are a possible big love, he will go as slowly as necessary. He fears that sudden moves might provoke from you a no that you will not be able to take back.

Two fantasies color Mr. Ram's love life—that of the knight and that of the patron.

Aries likes to see himself as a knight in shining armor rescuing others from danger. He is a sucker for a hard-luck story because he imagines that he is the one who can supply a happy ending. Standing up for another against injustice or relieving undeserved poverty arouse Mr. Ram's protective instincts, which are only a step away from love. Even if these actions only translate to yelling at the guy who stole your parking space, or buying you a drink, they still move him. When starting a relationship, Aries likes to know that the other person will be better off for having him on his side.

The flip side is that Aries wants a patron of his own. Bills, housekeeping, cooking, health, and the everyday concerns annoy Mr. Ram. For every one of these areas that he handles competently there is another that he makes a mess of. This sign feels that it should be above the practical and the common, so, though he will not admit it, Aries dreams of finding a man who will buy his groceries, balance his checkbook, and sweep the dust bunnies out from under his bed. He will overlook many character flaws in a man who is willing to take care of him.

DATING

If you show a lot of enthusiasm for Aries' interests, he will pretend that he cares about yours. The only sure way to make him really care is by the element of surprise. A spontaneous trip to a hockey game or the Philharmonic can kindle an interest in sports or music that a planned trip will not. Anything spur-of-the-moment or adventurous can sway him.

In the normal course of dating, Aries considers himself a Henry Higgins, expanding your limited horizons. You might have written a book on the ballet, played in a rock band, and won the Tony, but Aries still thinks you knew nothing of culture until he showed you the way.

Meeting his friends, you will probably find them quite different from what Mr. Ram described. He is an abysmal judge of character. Aries' personality is obvious and out front. Since he thinks that everyone is like himself, Aries expects that what you see is what you get. The suspicion necessary for noticing hidden layers is alien to Mr. Ram.

Every Aries believes that he has a special destiny. Love is often part of it. As you spend more time together, if you notice Aries telling friends cute stories about you rather than about himself, that means you have become part of his special destiny. That means it is love.

Though Aries is malice-free, he can hurt the ones he loves. The problem is that he often does not notice the feelings of others unless they write them in neon for him. Even when he is aware of your feelings, he is more concerned with your concrete actions than with the emotional state you are in. So your pain and indignation do not count until you slash Mr. Ram's tires.

When you do act on your feelings, Aries will be relieved, since your earlier hints and innuendos mystified him. He needs open conflict. Though he screams and yells louder than you, do not worry that he will end the relationship. Real Aries anger is silent and icy. When he stares at you wordlessly and turns to the door—only then do you need to do repair work. And it is not that hard to do, since Aries likes to be the big man and forgive.

During your fights, he may lash out with vicious, wounding comments. However, when it is over, Aries will expect full forgiveness from you. Unable to bear a grudge himself, it does not occur to him that your resentment might linger.

Aries treats each day with you as a new beginning. He forgets the wrongs you have done him—and the good. By ignoring the past, he hopes to be able to fall in love with you all over again.

Clueless as this sounds, it actually works for him.

SEX

Instant arousal. Instant turnoff.

The unpredictability of the Aries libido is a source of delight and frustration to his lover. You never know when it will start, when it will finish, or what will happen in between.

Since he is easily bored, Aries needs to switch between being top and bottom, and to rotate his fetishes. If you are the kind of guy who likes to find a position and stick to it—or if you like to find a room of the house and stick to it—Aries is not your man.

There are few things you cannot persuade him to try. For him, experiencing something for the first time with another man is an unshakable bond. Even though his memory is usually poor, he can catalog the first time he ever tried any sexual act and recall in vivid detail the man he did it with.

His sexuality is restless and never satisfied, since the act itself is never as good as the ultimate extreme he pictures in his mind. Aries does not realize that fantasies cannot be real, so he blames his own lack of prowess for limiting the pleasure you share. The erotic braggadocio is a cover-up.

Since he started having sex so young, you would expect him to be more confident. And the guilt-free abandon he demonstrates in flagrante makes him seem a total bandit of the sheets. However, Aries cannot accept the limits of the body. This is wonderful when working out since it allows him to exercise beyond his strength and push through exhaustion (though this is a good way to injure yourself). It is less wonderful in bed because by not accepting the limits, Aries cannot see the possibilities—he is often embarrassed by his body in the slower, more tender parts of lovemaking. The abandon he shows during the heated moments is how he transcends this—he turns off his brain to become an animal.

LIVING TOGETHER

If you do most of the chores that keep the home running, then why does it feel like his place?

Aries just naturally makes all the big household decisions himself. It is not that he considers himself smarter than you. It's just that the quality of your judgment never comes into his thoughts at all. When Aries acts it is full steam ahead, undistracted by the courtesy and fear that makes most partners hesitate.

To make your plans for the home come through, you can try to convince him that your ideas were actually his ideas—though I suspect that only works if you are living in a sitcom. The best method is to simply do what you want to do. His philosophy has always been that it is easier to ask forgiveness afterward than to ask permission before. This philosophy will work for you as well. It is being part of your scheme and having to follow your lead that threatens Aries' equilibrium. A fait accompli is just dandy with him.

At this stage, you are becoming part of Aries' mission in life. The competition between you is limited to who makes the decorating decisions and who does the dishes. Out in the world, you could not have a stronger supporter than Aries, and he is determined to see you make your mark—even if you do not want to. For Aries, if it is not me-against-you, then it has to be us-against-them.

When Aries does not get the recognition he deserves, you will hear him give vent to great bitterness. The eternal optimist is more crushed than the cynic when he finds out that life is unfair. At these times, you will be required to play the parental role, to build up Aries to face the world again. Aries is supremely image conscious, and the only thing worse for him than losing his confidence is if others can see that he has lost it.

The routine of living with you destroys some of Aries' illusions. He thought the two of you were going to sleep intertwined every night and be out dancing every weekend. Then he learns that it takes work to keep a relationship fresh. Though Aries may be lazy around the house, he is not emotionally lazy. He can make a concentrated effort to keep you emotionally satisfied—if he can figure out what it takes to do so. If he makes mistakes it is because he is dense when it comes to reading you, not because the effort is lacking.

So give the guy a break and be explicit.

BREAKING UP

Admit it. You got away with a lot.

Aries usually does not notice when his partner hides something from him. So you can go along being adored by Mr. Ram while secretly doing the super, holding Satanic rituals in the basement, and/or planning to move to Nepal.

But then you drop a chair on his foot or break a door—and he knows it is all over. Aries looks for symbols all the time. When he found a pair of potato chips stuck together he said it meant the two of you should also be one, but this time the symbol signifies the end of your relationship. You can argue that he is reading too much into a small detail. He is. But Aries often reaches the right conclusion for the wrong reasons.

Right or wrong, what Aries believes is always more important than actual facts. That is why documentation of debts and promises he has forgotten do not phase him—if he has truly forgotten, you cannot convince him they exist.

For Aries the best defense is a good offense. He fights dirty, making irrelevant but venomous comments designed to hit you where you are most vulnerable. Though he has always been there with a helping hand, and though he is no stranger to self-pity, your very real needs are now framed as selfish malingering.

When you fight back in a clear, cold, focused manner, Aries does not understand how you could be so destructive. Focused negativity is incomprehensible to him, because his darker actions are always impulsive and never planned. Using strategy to demolish his arguments seems to him to be unfeeling and black-hearted.

The difficulty you face while arguing is that Aries can sympathize but he cannot empathize. He can see the bad things that have happened to you, but he cannot imagine what it is like to be you. So he remains firmly lodged in his own point of view, unable to look at the situation from another perspective.

Any rupture with Aries can be repaired with well-spoken apologies—except one. If you make Aries doubt himself, he is gone. In most conflict Aries' response is first anger, then hurt. When he doubts himself, there is no anger, no hurt, only silence. He has no defense but to turn his back on you and walk away.

THE FIVE FACES OF GAY ARIES

DRAG QUEEN ARIES

The divine Miss Ram is a star and the world owes her a living. At least that is what she says. Others would be embarrassed to admit such high self-esteem but Drag Queen Aries is proud of it.

Yet if she really loves herself that much, why does she wear her femininity like a chip on the shoulder? Her manner is a mocking parody of womanly softness.

Too much drama makes a diva draining company after a while, no matter how generous she is with the compliments. Aries' need to be center stage makes her keep upping the couture ante until the look-at-me impulse triumphs over taste.

Though she may turn into a sloppy harridan by sunrise, her vivacity keeps her trotting around in her stilettos long after more sensible girls have gone home to soak their feet.

By the next night, she has purposely lost the number of that guy who seemed like such a good idea twenty-four hours earlier. Sometimes getting the number is enough and actual sex will add nothing to her conquest.

DOMINANT ARIES

Nothing for Dominant Aries is as exciting as having another man looking up at him with the word "Sir" on his lips.

Aries loves to go where his bodily impulses lead him. The freedom of being a dominant top lets him give over completely to his impulses. He can get carried away, but when things get dangerously intense he turns on a dime, shifting to some other type of play.

Sometimes the orders get spit out too fast for the submissive to follow. Sometimes the submissive fails to satisfy for other reasons. Rather than ruining the scenario, this enlivens it. In fact, a defiant bottom that needs to be humbled is Mr. Ram's favorite kind. After all, topping a pussy-boy is easy; turning a butch guy into a pussy is an accomplishment.

It is not the ingenuity Dominant Aries shows in devising humiliations that is frightening. Rather it is the obvious emotional satisfaction he gets from debasing others. Yes, it may just be a game, but the game is real.

ACTIVIST ARIES

You cannot keep a good man down, if he is Activist Aries. The discouragements and setbacks that make other men give up bring out the best in this boy. When he knows that right is on his side, he will never take no for an answer.

Every Aries needs a cause to get behind, because he believes that one man can make a difference—if that man is him. Impatient with group action and the political process, Aries does what he can in everyday life to bring about change. After all, you never know if writing to your congressman does any good, but when speaking face-to-face with your neighbor the effect you have is plain.

Though Aries never loses energy, he can lose interest. The quality of the opposition is what decides it. The opposition is like a sex partner in that there has to be chemistry. A bad fight is like bad sex—it is best to leave ASAP, without waiting for breakfast.

GUPPY ARIES

A man who hates paperwork and has trouble following through on what he starts should not succeed in corporate life. Yet Guppy Aries does quite nicely for himself.

Though Aries has no interest in being a good little worker bee, making the boss man glad, or winning the affection of subordinates, he does have an ornery competitive spirit. The need to prove himself motivates Aries to throw himself wholeheartedly into what is for him an alien environment.

Aries thrives on the concrete recognition that the business world gives. Inner satisfaction is fine, but the titles, promotions, and raises are even better. Though not adept at negotiating backroom office politics, Aries' instinct for jumping in when others screw up propels him upward in the company hierarchy.

He shines most at the beginning of a project. His imagination and energy jump-start new enterprises. The opportunity to be a pioneer, to do something never done before, is irresistible to Aries.

Seeing himself as ahead of the crowd, Aries is unconflicted about being out at work. Anything that sets him apart from his coworker is good in his view.

GYM BUNNY ARIES

Unless he feels good about his body, Aries will not feel good about himself. So though Gym Bunny Aries starts out trying to bulk up as a macho challenge to himself, it has mental health benefits as well.

But what really hooks him is the looks he gets from other men. Aries is vain about his appearance but is also ashamed of it. Then, when he goes through the effort to sculpt himself into something magnificent, he no longer feels shame—he has earned the right to be vain, stuck-up, self-involved, and egotistical. If other guys have a problem with his attitude, it is because they do not have the balls to go to the gym and do what he did.

The Gym Bunny Aries thinks that sensitivity, gentility, and vulnerability are for sissies. His muscles are his armor. He would do better, though, to let down his guard.

After all, a man's worth can be measured by things other than body-fat ratio and dick size.

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Taurus

APRIL 21–MAY 21

LOVING YOUR TAURUS

No subtlety here.

Taurus's come-on is explicit and clear. If you are not equally direct, you will see clouds of confusion in his lovely liquid eyes. The hints and coyness that usually go with flirting will not work.

A solid man with solid values, Taurus lacks the surprising quirks and intriguing depths that can make a first meeting scintillating. However, his honesty and sexual stamina make him an excellent candidate for Mr. Right (or for Mr. Right Now).

He may be a little thick around the middle and slow moving, but it is clear that he knows how to use his body when he wants to. And it is kind of cute how seriously he takes everything you say. Give him a chance. Most men are not what they appear to be—Mr. Bull is.

Once he has decided that he wants you, Taurus is forceful. Still, you need to help him along. He belongs to the one-line-fits-all school of seduction. The tactics he uses on you are tried and true, having been tested successfully on many other men before you. If you respond to him in an unexpected way, he may not know what the next step is. So stick to his script. It should be easy, since he makes it plain just what he expects of you at each stage of the game.

ATTRACTING A TAURUS

It helps if you are pretty. And available.

There is no game-playing with Taurus. He wants you because he finds you physically attractive and thinks you are willing to have sex with him. Though he likes a little bit of holding back, he will not pursue any man who seems truly unbeddable.

That does not mean he is easy, though.

He is afraid of being taken advantage of, so before he invites you into his bedroom he wants to be sure you are safe. The easiest way to win his trust is to buy him things. Since he is not very intuitive, he looks for tangible proof of another man's feeling and character. Spending money to buy things for him (especially big, sweet, edible things) is a clear sign that you value him as a person.

Taurus understands money more than emotion, so he often looks at himself as a commodity for sale. Though Mr. Bull does not rule out poor boys as possible lovers, rich men who can spoil him have the advantage.

Materialistic though he is, do not worry that Taurus will dump you for the nearest sugar daddy. To him a commitment is a commitment. If he says he will stay with you, he will. However, this also means that you, right from the start, will be expected to live up to your words. If you lie or weasel out of a promise, Taurus will start thinking of you as untrustworthy. And once Mr. Bull pigeonholes you, it is nearly impossible to make him change his opinion.

Taurus is the sign least interested in the murky depths of human psychology. Yet it is also a sign that is suspicious of things it does not understand. Thus when he meets a man whose character is filled with contradictions and mixed motives, Taurus runs the other way. He is also dismissive of people who are unlike himself. Mr. Bull wants security and comfort; those who live for abstract principles seem flakey and those who willingly choose poverty seem irresponsible. Remember that Tauruses are herd animals that want to be with like-minded creatures and not with anyone who will challenge their worldview.

For all his levelheadedness, there is a side of Taurus that yearns for magic. Though he claims not to believe in unseen forces, he wants to be swept away by something more powerful than himself. Because his sex drive is strong, it is usually in the romantic arena where Taurus feels himself controlled by the unexplainable. Passion can and will make him abandon common sense.

DATING