Street Boners

Copyright

Copyright © 2010 by Gavin McInnes

All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

Grand Central Publishing

Hachette Book Group

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New York, NY 10017

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First eBook Edition: May 2010

Grand Central Publishing is a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

The Grand Central Publishing name and logo is a trademark of Hachette Book Group, Inc., which sounds pretty Juggalo to me but, whatever. None of my beeswax.

ISBN: 978-0-446-56909-5

INTERVIEW WITH THE AUTHOR

When Gavin wrote the first DOs & DON'Ts back in 1994, he had no idea it would be his fucking job for the rest of his life. Huh? You pay your rent by making fun of people's pants? That's retarded. I sat down with him to ask a few questions about this strange vocation because it looks weird to just start out a book with pictures and have no intro text.

What the fuck is with your ridiculous tattoos?

Isn't that obvious? It's a skullhead cyber-jellyfish eating Fidel Castro and Chiang Kai-shek with the words "Destruction Creates" at the top. Get it?

Nope. I don't get tattoos.

Well, I'm of two minds with them, when it comes to girls at least. On the one hand, I feel like certain tattoos kind of separate "us" from "them," and I don't think I've ever met a person with a funny tattoo I didn't like. However, when a girl totally splatters her chest, like the Hipster Grifter, I don't know. It doesn't seem very feminine. Have you ever fucked a girl like that? When the lights are dim, she looks like she fell in a mud puddle. It feels traitorous to criticize them but it's true.

I have actually fucked a girl with tons of tattoos, and it was exactly like that.

I know.

What's with the kittens? Can you explain the ratings system?

Well, the DOs & DON'Ts always felt a little too "all or nothing." There's some people who have a great look going but they blow it with a straw fedora or something. That outfit that would be an eight got pulled down to a six but he's not a DO or a DON'T.

So, the ratings are just about the outfits and not the person's physical features, right?

I've discussed this for hours with all sorts of intellectuals and sociobiologists, and the answer is: It's an art, not a science. Yes, ideally it is only about the clothes but it looks weird to give the hottest woman in the world a four just because she wore Uggs. I do my best to keep it fashion-based but my dick is only human.

There's dozens of other questions that arise when you try to figure out the ratings system. Do you see a ten once a lifetime, or do you look over the past month and use those people as a median ensuring you saw an equal amount of tens, nines, eights, sevens, sixes, fives, fours, threes, twos, and ones? High school teachers do this when they make sure a certain percentage always fails, but I'm not a teacher. I'm a student. So I just throw the crystals on the table and try to read the vibes.

Oy. Let's move on: Where do you get the pictures?

You, oy! What kind of boring question is that? Why does everyone want to know the process? It's like watching a chick put on her makeup.

I think people see hundreds of pictures in a book and the first thing they think is, "Where do these come from?" I'm sure you get asked this a lot.

I do but it's not interesting. Most of them I take myself. Well, what I do is, I go out with a pretty, young girl who doesn't look threatening and tell her who to photograph because it sketches people out to have an old man like me ask for their picture. After that, there's a group of half a dozen photographers who submit photos regularly.

Do you ever get sued?

Nope. When you're in public there's "a reasonable expectation of being photographed." It's also pretty clear the book is satire. You're not really a coke dealer or a rapist or a dead slut — it's a joke. I've been slapped and assaulted a few times, however. The funniest one was when some gay dude who I made a DON'T walked up to me and gave me a raspberry. Like, he went ppppphhh! in my face. It was really loud, and it gave me a real jolt because I wasn't expecting it at all.

I heard a lot of rumors about why you left Vice.

Yeah, me too. The strangest one was that I left to do commercials.

Why did you sell your shares and get out?

It was time. Everything I thought ruled, my partners thought reeked and vice versa. That's why we went with "Creative Differences."

And what do you do now?

Besides Street Boner books? I made a comedy sketch movie called Gavin McInnes is a Fucking Asshole. I also did a documentary about the Movie Watching World Championships called A Million in the Morning. Then there's StreetCarnage.com, a website I do with Derrick Beckles. We're both also pitching TV all the time, which is a lot like throwing piles of shit at a wall hoping something sticks.

What if it doesn't stick?

You tape it there. Dude, these quetions are dull, dull, dull.

All right, what's a good question?

Well, you can't really discuss a jokebook without wrecking it. It's like sex or defining what's cool — which I do later on in the book.

Did you invent hipsters?

There's nothing sadder than seeing Ronnie James Dio and Gene Simmons trip over themselves trying to take credit for that heavy metal hand gesture with the two middle fingers down. Who cares who made it up? I made up hipsters about as much as Al Gore invented the Internet.

I will say, the aptly named DOs & DON'Ts had a big part in defining what these people look like. It was two pics a day for 15 years distributed in almost every major city in the world. Eventually, that's going to make something a "Thing." Can we stop talking about hipsters now?

Are you a hipster?

Assuming a hipster is "a young enthusiast of contemporary, alternative, pop culture," I would have to say "no" because I'm "old."

What's with the ironic moustache?

I have no chin whatsoever, so I'm forced to sculpt one out of chin hair. Once you do that, you're left with limited options: You can do a full beard, a chin beard, or a goatee. I did the goatee for a while but it seemed too normal. I needed more pieces of flair, so I grew the moustache to get out of the jock zone. I had no other choice.

Does your wife get bummed out when she sees you talk about hot chicks?

Well, I had been doing this for over a decade before I met her, so she was pretty much used to it. Besides, it's not like I literally long for the ten kitteners. It's more of a Benny Hill thing like, "Ello, ello, ello!"

Do you think it's weird you're interviewing yourself?

Sort of, I mean, I jerk you off almost every day, and I wash your body in the shower. You fuck my wife, and I spoon-feed you. It's definitely weird but it's the only way I can ensure I get asked exactly what I want to be asked.

I don't even think it's going that well despite the fact that I'm you.

I think it's going smashingly well. If you want to see a bad interview, check out this one I did with an art magazine called SOMA. They canned it after seeing my answers (and, most likely, the questions — the guy was free-lance) but it would be a crime if this was never published.

SOMA: The 90s ushered in the widest bifurcation of fashion: the gay community became both more formal and louder, the flintily end days of grunge nuanced aloofness, revival fashion became paying homage rather than posing, Harajuku trends were ordered through the internet and catalogue magazines to New York, London, Paris and LA, garbed Oriental and African expatriates tessellated prints subsumed in rich colors reflected the changing physiognomy in fashion and urban centers. In the cacophony of street fashion, Gavin McInnes's obsession with street fashion filled the desideratum for a critic, and he has become iconoclastic for his endeavor. McInnes's street fashion critiques antedate all others, and all others are in some way or another derivative of his. Only his exceptional record for being right matches his temerity.

Why do you think street fashion critiques became so influential in the mid 90s, yours the most influential arguably?

Gavin McInnes: Temerity? Bifurcation? Desideratum!? Dude, what is with that intro? Did somebody buy you a thesaurus for Halloween? I haven't heard words like those since University. "The changing physiognomy in fashion"? Is this how artists get by the part where everyone thinks they're full of shit — they make up a language? You're like a bunch of fucking lawyers.

To answer what I think your question might be, I'd like to say: Who says street fashion critiques had this big

surge in the 90s? Where is that documented as a fact? You think there was this big zenith in street fashion critiques because you were reading DOs & DON'Ts back then and starting to give a shit about how you looked. There was nothing special about this time, and making fashion jokes has been going on since before there were clothes.

Also, my street fashion critiques were / are popular because my level of wit tends to be reserved for serious shit, like politics and social commentary. To do highbrow jokes about lowbrow stuff like shoes and socks is the hook that keeps it on most people's radar. It has nothing to do with the epoch.

Chameleon by Woody Allen is about a man who immediately transforms to suite his surroundings. Can someone do that wearing the exact same thing?

Too good. You use huge words to try to sound smart and then you spell suit wrong. And it's Zelig, not Chameleon. Ha. This is why it's always best to just be yourself and not try to be some Christopher Hitchens intellectual. How old are you, 23?

When does character trump actual attire?

Jesus, this is not easy. First I have to translate each question into English, then I have to try to answer it honestly. I'm going to assume you mean, "Is there a point where someone is so amazing, it doesn't matter what they wear?" If that is the case, the answer is: Of course.

Fashion, like art, is just kidding. To take it seriously is to miss the point. When I say I want to kill men that wear sandals, I am being hyperbolic. I actually could care less, obviously. The real impetus behind style and dressing well is, "I know none of this matters but I'm stepping into the fray and giving it a go anyway. How's this?" Fashion is like a board game or a dance. You want to do a good job because it's fun and it shows you're happy to be here but as soon as you take it seriously, the bubble pops. Some of my best friends are bad dressers. I just think it's lame and wish they'd try harder because it's fun to do that.

What is style analogous to? What does it tell us about someone?

I think you just wanted to use the word analogous. As I said earlier, it is "analogous" to, say, the board game Risk or even Operation. You are participating in this thing called society and fucking around with the parameters (great, now I'm talking like you people). Style is about someone who knows the rules and can tweak them a bit to reflect his or her personality. She's never going to wear Juicy Couture but she might be funny enough to wear Rocawear with a Balenciaga bag. Sometimes she blows it and her friends point it out and everyone has a laugh.

Who are some women and men who dress poorly but pull it off?

There's a New York artist named Spencer Sweeney who always wears overalls and, like, Japanese clogs. I don't know if it's his confidence or his art career but nobody can fuck with him. It's a mystery how he does it but if I tried it, I'd look like a gay farmer who sells ice cream to construction workers. Sarah Silverman is a woman who couldn't dress her way out of a wet paper bag but somehow she makes it work. Who else? Um, I wouldn't say notorious 92-year-old night owl Zelda Kaplan "dresses poorly" but she dresses "really fucking insanely," and she always manages to pull it off.

What things are common in any fashion faux pas?

Basically, attraction is built on recognizing our differences. Women want men to be masculine, and men want women to be feminine. That's why flip-flops are such a crime. What if someone slaps your girl? How are you supposed to fight now or even chase him with your little rubber soles? And why do men have to be so comfy all the time? In New York, the summer uniform is cargo shorts and wife beaters. They look like Thai street vendors. Men dressing like they're still in dorms is not masculine, and women don't like it.

Similarly, there seems to be a huge contingent of females who think it's empowering to walk around in sweat-pants with short hair and no makeup. This "throwing in the towel" look ignores the part where women are more attractive than men and should take advantage of it. We're only of courting age for about 10 years or so. To ignore that and say you're over it is like refusing to play musical chairs with the rest of us because it's "gay."

Q: Why are women so clueless to what man want and like in fashion?

Why'd you stick a Q on there all of a sudden? And "to what man want"? What are you, a cave person? Dude, you come at this interview with a tidal wave of synonyms, and you can't even pluralize man. Is this what public school education has come to?

The fundamental problem with your question is women are NOT "so clueless." In fact, they usually know more about making us find them attractive than we do. Don't believe me? Turn the page.

I know you're already on your way to the tattoo shop with this photo in your hand but are you ready for the real nail in the Perfect Coffin? This picture's from motherfucking Nashville!

Luckily, by the time you get to that point where you're saying, "Does it really matter what gender blows me?" you're so fucking wasted, you won't be able to get it up. Whoever came up with this design deserves the Nobel Penis Prize.

Ever since Amy Winehouse got out of rehab, she's been getting, like, zero sleep.

Hat designers are pushing the envelope so far these days, it's hard to know what a hat is anymore.

If you're at a block party waiting for the magic to happen, he's every noun in this sentence but the first one.

When shoes match tights, it makes the girl look like she's smokily swirling out of a genie bottle, warily wondering if one of your wishes is going to include you coming back in the bottle.

"Waiting" is the most rigorous workout you can give an outfit. It's like boot camp for your shoes.

We know we insist on heels a lot but if you're good enough at, say, a Jimmy Buffett-look, you can skip the stilettos, and we'll still worship you.

When you look like Angelica Houston in Crimes and Misdemeanors, you are destined to be a mistress for life. Go find yourself a wiseguy and at least get some free shit out of the deal.

Judging by the Kierkegaard book, this high-IQ low-life has spent so long in academia, he's figured out clothes don't matter and nor does getting laid, ever.

Where jocks see a ridiculous, fat gaylord, we see a brother in arms checking up on a party crammed with eye-scorching tens.

If you can deprogram your dick from Baywatch propaganda, you will see there are piles of potential wives right under your nose who nobody's paying attention to.

"Stop the Violence" is great in the rap community but there's certain parts of the suburbs where no violence can have disastrous side effects.

This guy is determined to get his body super-buff by the summer, like Chyna-buff.

"The Disco Skier From Hell" sounds like a shitty joke a MILF would make, not an actual guy.

Tribal tattoo sweaters are a great way to look like a Greek meathead without having to suffer through 30 hours of needles.

This is the History of Cool: Black people party while white people carefully document it.

More on see here

She looks like someone stuck my grandmother's brain into a babe machine.

Talk about the laughingstock of the patent office; it's a purse holder you put above urinals.

Hey Bruce Lee Wayne, Robin called. You forgot to take your belt off.

We were so happy when little Timmy came out of his coma after 20 years but we were kind of shocked to see him pick up exactly where he left off.

Is this one of those Halloween costumes that you stick your legs in and pretend a girl is dancing with you, or is his belt buckle made out of mail-order bride?

He's a jock dressed as a guido dressed as Mystery dressed as a flapper dressed as Fred Astaire on St. Mark's Place.

People who really, really, really want you to know they travel need to go back to where they don't come from.

This isn't a beer belly. It's a gas tank for a Fat Piece of Shit Machine.

This actually sums up Russia perfectly: It should be beautiful, and it's difficult to say exactly what's wrong with it but it just… sucks.

Ripped knees in jeans look great but when you get a slit in something as synthetic as spandex, it brings in a TMI factor that's not unlike catching your mom take a shit.

We know what you're going through, guy. Going up to girls from scratch is the WORST. Here's a tip: Pretend they have shitty tits.

This looks like a picture from Intervention where you hear he used to be the life of the party and everyone liked him, and you can't believe it because he's fat now and lives in a puddle.

The only accessory cooler than a white cane is a blind friend.

Stop snitching.

"Hi, I shoot exotic fish and sell them to Japanese tourists, then I get stoned and listen to music with my friends. What's your job?"

When guys wear striped shirts they look like every other gel-haired rapist at the club but when girls do it they become dick-melting cartoons that make kidnapping seem like a viable option.

Homophobic is a gay word because you're not "scared" of this. You just have no file in your brain for "showing Brian what a nasty little fucking whore he is."

The same way East Indian girls trick their parents into thinking facial piercings are traditional, Muslim girls are convincing their parents this is just an evolution of the burqa.

This guy is one haircut away from looking like a gorgeous homo.

This woman (?) has said, "Oh dahwling, how fah-h-h-bulous," so many times, it's actually changed the shape of her face.

If you listen carefully you can hear a guy who sounds exactly like Patton Oswalt explaining Blondie to a 20-year-old Canadian who doesn't care.

When men do drag in comedy shows, you're supposed to laugh but when they're not kidding, you're supposed to not laugh. That's hilarious.

People are listening to music with such shitty compression these days, hits like Roxette's "Listen to Your Heart" are coming out with all the Hs as Fs.

Hey buddy, nice old lady bike. Why don't you get a track bike like we… like we… whoooa… look out! Coming through! Whoooa… shit! Whaaaa! Fuck!… <KKKRSPKKgssh>… CRASH… bkksh!

Fuck you, you motherfucking piece of shit dictator who was supposed to be dead but apparently isn't but will be soon if I ever see you out on the streets, you fucking dipshit fuckhead goddamned asshole motherfucker of a fucking cocksucking piece of shit monster.

When you see a girl like this dancing by herself, you ask yourself, "How can she be alone?" Then you see her options.

Sorry, but having a shirt that's 23 percent too big is like having a dick that's 32 percent too small: It just doesn't feel right.

New York may look goofy to you but in a city of rats and death, you have to dress like a cartoon kid or your whole life becomes a Cannibal Corpse album cover.

It's like this guy knew the cruel world of digital lighting would turn his drink into a vodka cranberry and his hat into an oversized golfing Kangol with an errant pompom.

Unless you're in a play about an old-timey lumberjack who sleepwalks, you may want to tone down the theatrics. You look like a fucking hand puppet.

What's worse than having to watch someone who's dancing like nobody's watching?

Chicks with big feet feel like Daffy Duck in junior high but when heels come into play, the small-footed girls look like weird chickadees while the gangly girls blossom into swans.

Long hair went from hippie-only fare to the stuff of rockers, nerds, European immigrants, male models, and guys into magic. Why don't they just change the name to "shitty-guy hat"?