Sexier Sex

Introduction

Have you ever wanted to dance sexy for a roomful of strangers in a safe environment and see what happened next?

Have you ever wanted to explore sides of your sexual self that you’re not quite ready to reveal to your best friend?

Have you ever thought there might be a voyeur . . . a seductress . . . an erotic storyteller . . . a dominatrix . . . a polyamorous, polysexual goddess . . . lurking just beneath your “nice girl” exterior?

Of course you have. And so have thousands of women just like you.

Every day, we are exploring our sexuality in ways that have never before been available to us. And what we’re discovering can lead to greater satisfaction and pleasure in our love lives regardless of our relationship status or sexual orientation.

TECHNOLOGY IS A WOMAN’S WORLD

This book is a humorous guide with a serious purpose: helping you expand your sexual horizons in a safe, supportive way. You might choose to try all of the lessons included, or to start with just one. You can skip any that don’t appeal to you, do them out of order, modify them to fit your preferences, pleasures, and circumstances.

I provide a wide variety of things to try and to think about. This is by no means an exhaustive list of what you can do with technology and sex. Think of it instead as a starting point to spark your own creative ideas for using your everyday gadgets and gizmos to enhance your relationships.

This book is not about getting yourself into trouble with your partner or giving you excuses to explore sexuality in ways that you know will cause hurt or harm to someone who loves you. Try not to slip into denial about how your actions affect your relationships, particularly if you have children.

This book is also not about fixing anything, either.

My guess is you’re probably fine the way you are and you’re reading this book because you’re curious and want to have a good time. Many women have healed broken hearts, negative self-images, and sexual fears through the kinds of activities outlined in this book. I’m one of them myself.

If you’re not in a healthy place to have relationships then your relationships won’t be healthy, whether online or off. But you can get to a healthy place—and some of these lessons might help you get there. But keep in mind, I’m no doctor and this is no treatment program.

ISN’T SEX-TECH DANGEROUS?

I’ve spent the past dozen years experiencing, observing, and analyzing how technology influences romantic relationships, and I have to say, it’s not nearly as scary as the mainstream news would have you believe.

If you approach sex-tech with an open mind and a willingness to experiment, you can take these modern tools and add fun, pleasure, and intimacy to your sex life. After all, technology is never going to replace personal relationships, and no one with half a brain wants it to.

Instead we have an opportunity to play in new ways with an age-old game. Anything we don’t like, we don’t have to do or do again. But those things we do like? How wonderful to have the option!

ABOUT THESE LESSONS

Many of these lessons refer to specific websites, products, and services. These are the ones that I use; they are not the only examples, and they may not be the ones that you like best. The concepts apply across all brands, and in most cases the specific steps will be similar enough that it won’t be difficult to adapt them to whichever equivalent you find yourself with.

Technology changes fast, and it’s possible that the product’s wording or design will have changed between press time and the moment you pick a lesson. Again, let the concepts guide you. Like sex, you can’t always predict what is going to happen, so the best thing you can do is relax and embrace the unexpected.

A NOTE ABOUT CATEGORIES AND HEAT METERS

One woman’s thrill is another woman’s chill—and I’m the last person who wants to yuk your yum. Still, in the interest of putting this book into some sort of organized order, I’ve gathered the tutorials into categories: Self-Discovery, Flirting, Self-Expression, Just Looking, Love, Sex, Identity, and Safety. Each lesson can be read on its own and independently of all the other lessons, and the thermometer gives you a sense for how “daring” a particular activity is. Here’s the legend:

• HOT!—Requires the least overt sexual advances on your part
• HOTTER!—You’re getting sexy, but you can probably keep your clothes on
• HOTTEST!—Anything goes

So dive on in. Check it out. Get experimental. And have some fun while you’re at it.

How to Buy Lingerie
for Your Body Type

It seems like lingerie is designed for women who are 5’ 6”, wear a 34C bra, size 5 panties, and size 7 shoes—unless you are that woman and still have fit problems, in which case, I guess it’s designed for our avatars rather than our bodies.

And when lingerie doesn’t fit, we blame ourselves for being too short or tall, too fat or thin, too busty or too flat, too long in the torso or too thick in the calf.

Shopping for lingerie online eliminates a lot of the hassles. It might seem counterintuitive, as with fit troubles you want to be able to try it on. But when you shop online, you can quickly narrow your options to just the negligee that is likely to fit. You can try it on in your own bedroom with your own lighting and your own mirror, and if you hate it, send it back. (Yes, this can cost money, but you won’t begrudge it after you find something that makes you feel like a million bucks.)

And most likely, if you put the effort into the search, you won’t hate it.

• * Don’t rely on size chart measurements. Email or call the site with your measurements and notes about your proportions, how other brands and sizes fit you, and what you’re looking for.

• * Shop internationally. You pay a bit more in shipping, but it’s worth it if you get the right fit.
• * Stockings, stretchy chemises, and collars fit just about everyone. It doesn’t matter if the stockings won’t stay up if you’re just wearing them on nights in.
• * More coverage can be as sexy as less, especially in sheer fabrics. Lingerie is less about skin as it is about mystery. Especially as we get older.
• * Forget the size noted on the label and look only for fit. I have lingerie that ranges from size M to size 2X, and it all fits me exactly the same.
• * If your proportions are impossible to fit off the rack, investigate custom services. There is nothing wrong with your body—only with the narrow range of fits available.
• * Corsets look fantastic on all body shapes, but must be custom-made to look perfect.

How to Improve Your
Body Image in Five Easy Steps

It might seem odd to turn to the Internet to boost your body image, as the general idea is that when we go online, we leave our bodies behind. Yet what better way to shed body worries than to engage with others without your body? Remember how intelligent, funny, and downright sexy you are when you’re not worrying about your waistband?

Playing on the Internet can help you become more comfortable in your own skin long after you log off. That same wit and sensuality you radiate online still lives within you the rest of the time; the more you practice letting it out, the more natural it becomes. (And then you have to be careful not to let loose at inappropriate times, like job interviews!)

Body confidence is sexy and infuses every dimension of our lives, not just sex.

• * Set up your webcam and practice posing until you find a few positions and angles that please you. This is like those body-image exercises performed in front of a mirror, except the tiny frame and the semi-grainy quality of the picture create an entirely different experience, as does the knowledge that once you do start seeing your body in terms of the beauty of its lights and shadows, you can share it with other people with a few clicks. (See “How to Look Great on Webcam,” page 111)
• * Unless all porn truly offends you, surf amateur porn to see the wide range of bodies engaged in sex. Sex often looks ridiculous, but bodies in lusty pursuits are also rather beautiful, especially when you can see the erotic or emotional connection among the participants.
• * flirt shamelessly in text and dazzle others with your inventiveness and wickedness. The more time you spend feeling alluring and sexy, the more you realize that you are alluring and sexy. And when you figure that out, it’s natural to bring that confidence into all aspects of your life.
• * Learn to make love to your cell phone camera—purse your lips, take interesting close-ups of your face or a lock of hair, get a fun picture of your freshly pedicured toes. I always hold my phone above and slightly to the side of my face to emphasize my eyes and cheekbones. So often, we focus so closely on what we dislike about our bodies that we forget we have assets too.
• * If you’re single or if your partner is cool with it, have cybersex. All those endorphins and hours of sexual attention awaken the earthy, sensual side and prove that sexuality is just as much a mind thing as a body thing—and the more you exercise your sexy brain, the more you notice your sexy body.

How to Keep Your
Sense of Humor

If you know anything about technology, you know that it is a capricious, mischievous beast. And if you know anything about sex, you know that it too can be ridiculous, poignant, and hilarious by turns. Combining the two sometimes feels like the biggest joke on earth.

It’s enough to make you want to cry.

You visit a chat room once or twice “just to see” and soon find yourself deeply involved in a romantic triangle more dramatic than a historical romance. Your heart swings up and down each time you log in, your Internet connection seems to know exactly when to go on the fritz, and your patience is tested to the limit by the vagaries of time zones, work schedules, family life, and idiots who enter the chat room solely for the purpose of annoying you.

The only way to reap the benefits of online exploration is to accept technical and other difficulties as part of the experience. An amusing part, if you can. It’s easy for outsiders to dismiss online activity as fantasy—I refer to it that way myself sometimes, for convenience. But it’s no utopia: This “fantasy” world has its full share of tricksters and trolls.

A sense of humor is your best defense against all of it, including criticisms and teasing from your friends when they find you’ve been moonlighting as SexyPaloma. These tips will help you keep your perspective.

WHEN TECH GOES BAD

• * Internet connections seem to know just when you’ve started interacting in a romantic or erotic way, particularly if it’s a wireless signal. Reconnect as quickly as you can, dismiss it with a joke (“. . . and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped” or “Did anybody get the plates of the Mack truck that just hit me?”), and get back into the conversation. Dwelling on the frustration just sours the conversation for everyone involved.
• * Cell phones do the same thing. You’ll be having a perfectly fine conversation, flirting like a pro, and then it’s time to convey the most important information. Maybe a time and place to meet, or an email address to send pictures to—and suddenly, you might as well be on Mars. All you can do is laugh and repeat yourself. And follow up with a text message, which often gets through when voice gets garbled.
• * If one technology lets you down, try another. Email sometimes works when instant messaging doesn’t. If Skype goes down, try Yahoo or MSN audio chat. If you play in a 3D world and you’re traveling and stuck on dialup, go retro with a text-only chat room, or even—gasp—have the person call your motel phone.
• * When you do finally get connected, try not to spend a lot of time cursing the tech or dwelling on the frustration. Not only does that waste precious minutes, it seems to inspire the technology to give you even more troubles.

WHEN PEOPLE FORGET TO CHILL

• * Most of the time, the best defense against hecklers is simply to ignore them. (Most community tools have a Block or Ignore button for that very purpose.) But ignoring them in public doesn’t mean you aren’t annoyed, hurt, or angry inside. In that case, you’ve got to step back and take a breath. If you can keep your conversation light and funny, other people in the community will follow your lead and engage with you and ignore the jerks too. Once the jerks discover they can’t control the room, they generally leave.
• * Online romance gets very dramatic very quickly. That’s part of its appeal— and part of why it looks so ridiculous to those on the outside. If you can manage to laugh at yourself from time to time, your pairings will be healthier and more manageable.
• * It seems to be an online tradition to snark at people when they express themselves. No matter how you express yourself, blogging, chatting, pictures, whatever, someone is going to say something nasty. But you know what? Every time someone posts a comment, it boosts your traffic count. And if you ever want to sell advertising or promote your work, traffic is one of the most important things you can show. Rather than snark back or get in flame wars in your comments, fend it off with a joke if you can think of a good one, or simply ignore it. Whatever you do, don’t take it personally—people who go online specifically to tear other people down are not worth your time or energy.

How to Justify the Expense of
Luxury Sex Toys, and Why

In the past couple of years, high-end sex toys have taken the adult novelty market by storm. With expensive materials, quality manufacturing, and beautiful aesthetics in both design and packaging, these swanky products put the $20 plastic battery vibes to shame.

And yet even women who think nothing of spending $200 or more on a pair of boots hesitate at the price tags of the most elegant adult products. For some reason, we don’t feel that our pleasure is important enough to invest serious cash in, especially if we’re in a relationship and feel guilty about spending money on sexual delights we intend to use mostly by ourselves. (Although really, anything you can use with yourself, you can use with your partner.)

And yet more and more, we’re accepting that sex toys are just another household appliance. You wouldn’t skimp on a washing machine or a blender, now would you? Or how about that flat panel TV?

If you’re still not sure, consider this:

• * Orgasms relieve stress, increase circulation, improve your skin, and make you feel closer to your lover.
• * The more sex you have, the more sex you want. (Use it or lose it!)
• * Giving your body pleasure teaches you how to give and accept even more pleasure with a lover.
• * Sexual pleasure boosts your mood, long after the lovemaking is over.
• * High-end sex toys last longer and feel better than their cheaper cousins.
• * Luxury toys are likely to come with a warranty and a beautiful box or pouch for storage.
• * A toy that is beautiful to look at inspires you to want to use it, and doesn’t break the mood when you bring it into partner play.
• * Stores that carry these more expensive lines are staffed with sex educators who can help you find toys that suit your desires so you don’t have to worry about spending $100 or more on a product you’re not going to like.
• * Makers of elegant toys use the best-quality materials and designs. You won’t encounter sharp seams, strong chemical smells, or peeling coatings in this product range.
• * A quality device lasts years longer than the cheap ones. You’re not wasting money, you’re investing in something that will give you pleasure for a long time.

How to Turn Your MP3 Player
into a Personal Pleasure Device

Remember the joy of the mix tape, crafted especially for you by that special someone? Here’s a variation on that theme for adults only. There are vibrators that pulse, rev, and throb to the beat of audio sources, ranging from a music playlist to your lover’s voice right there in bed.

For a group experience, try plugging one into your computer headphone jack and meeting up in a chat room or a virtual world where you can all groove to the same audio stream.

These toys are available at most reputable adult retailers, or you can Google them to find the best deals.

IBUZZ TWO

Comes with two small vibrators to put inside a bunny-shaped sleeve for her and a cock ring for him—and all the necessary connecting cables, including a headphone splitter so you can both listen to the same music while you wear your toys.

OHMIBOD

A slim, insertable vibrator in colors to complement the iPod and iPhone, although any device with a headphone jack will drive it. Comes in a pretty zippered pouch for tucking discreetly into your purse and has “penis sleeve” accessories to create different textures and looks apart from the basic cylinder. Visit Club Vibe at www.ohmibod.com for a playlist exchange among OhMiBod users and special playlists created by professional DJs, all mixed specifically for their vibratory delights.

TALK2ME

This beautifully sculpted dual-purpose toy splits the incoming audio into two streams; the vibrating shaft responds to the bass, while the tickler responds to the treble. You can hook it up to a headphone jack or set its wireless receiver in front of any source of sound—your lips, your stereo, your motorcycle—and get your groove on.

How to Research Your
Sexual Health

The great thing about the Internet is that it has brought so much health information to your fingertips.

The bad thing about the Internet is that it has brought so much health information to your fingertips.

Face it: How often do you go online to check out a symptom, only to realize you are one hangnail away from lifelong disability or even . . . death?

Yet when it comes to sexual health, the Internet is a woman’s best friend. While I don’t believe we should be embarrassed to discuss anything with our doctors, including sex, I do know that not all of us have open-minded healthcare professionals. Nor do we always have the opportunity to change practitioners the moment one reveals prejudices around our sexual lifestyles, practices, or behaviors.

The first thing a modern woman does when she finds a suspicious lump, red mark, or discharge is go online for reassurance that it’s just an ingrown hair or a yeast infection. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. And as my mom says, not knowing doesn’t make something not true.

It’s normal to arm yourself with information—and even make yourself paranoid—before you head to the doctor. Yet the Internet being what it is, how do you know you’re looking at reliable information?

You can’t really. Even the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has been rumored to fudge sexual health information due to political pressure to promote abstinence and prevent abortions.

The best strategy is to visit a variety of resources and pull together a good picture of what the literature says. I’m a big fan of forums, because you can find out how other people deal with sexual health issues. This is the epitome of women using the web to better their lives, as they share stories and solutions and realize that they are not alone in any of their fears or concerns. Women can also help each other formulate questions to take to appointments with health care professionals and compare notes afterwards. Then, when you go to your appointment, you’re armed with the terminology and the questions to ask.

Here are some reliable places to start.

WEBMD.COM