Staying Sane When You're Going Through Menopause

If you've answered yes to any one of these items, especially A, then you'll benefit from everything our contributors have to say—hold on to your hat!

She's in good overall health. She doesn't at all feel like she has a fever, and when she went to bed she felt completely normal. No flulike symptoms. No other ailments seem to be afflicting her. Just now, though, she seems to be experiencing the beginning stages of what appears to be either spontaneous human combustion or a house fire somewhere on the premises.

Our seemingly sautéed heroine hurriedly checks the thermostat and quickly finds there is no problem there at all—other than the usual low temperature setting her husband always sets at night to save on heating costs (wise, thrifty man that he is). And also, the house is apparently not on fire. Thank God!

She observes said husband, all curled up and blanket-covered in a little fetal-positioned ball. He seems to need the blanket desperately. Hmmm . . . so it doesn't look in the least like he's dealing with whatever she's got. In fact, if anything, he looks to be possibly in the early stages of hypothermia. Well, right now, that's his problem.

And it doesn't really solve her problem at all. She's so hot, she swears that the house is 120 degrees . . . then to add to this little issue, she wants to cry and that's not like her at all.

Okay, so she tries to go back to sleep. Maybe she had a nightmare that must have apparently taken place somewhere near the equator or slightly south of Hades. It's okay now. Just relax. Take it easy. That'sa girl . . . It's cool . . . really it is . . . zzzzzzzzz.

Naturally, she finally is drifting off just as the alarm clock blares to announce the start of a fabulous new day!

Into the shower she goes . . . only when she's done, she's not so sure she ever showered at all, as she is covered with so much drenching sweat that it's time for a shower again! What is going on? Can it be? It can't be. Putting on her makeup, she notices some serious teenage boy-like pubescent peach fuzz on her upper lip . . . and what started as a mediocre morning is starting to become a difficult and challenging morning, bordering on a new sci-fi horror film, tentatively titled A Burning American She-Wolf in New Jersey! Suffice it to say, she's feeling just a tad anxious, and in fact, she's now at her boiling point—which is apparently her new "normal" body temperature!

She's late, doesn't like the way she looks, and it's rapidly dawning on her that . . . yes . . . or rather, NO!!! . . . she's going through the dreaded "change"—the curse beyond the original "curse" she found out about from her mom years ago in junior high school. (Nothing but curses it seems, doesn't it girls?) Yep. Without question. This is it. The Menopause Thing is coming—and damned if she's in the mood for it!!

At this opportune juncture, enter her now thawed-out husband—actually, a sweetheart of a guy, mild-mannered, funny, nice to be around—just to check on her progress this joyous morning. Little did he know when the words left his lips, he would have the grave misfortune to ask, "So . . . how are things going in there?"

OK, THAT'S IT!!!! Here it comes . . . the angry female volcano at last erupts with incredible vigor and force, perhaps driven by radical internal body temperatures (though the inquiring spousal question didn't help either—and don't even go near the facial hair factor)!! WWWWAAAAHHHH!!!!! The guttural utterances began.

Well, to spare you the extremely gory details of this real-life event, let's just say the air in our (yes, our) house (and possibly our neighbors') still reverberated with our morning's exchange long throughout the day. Or better said, a woman entering menopause, kicking and screaming, is simply not pretty for civilized humans to witness. And for men, it's a horrifying bewilderment.

Later that same day, in fact, in the evening, some calm returned. He was sort of sheepishly sidestepping the morning's festivities, basically hiding wherever possible. She—or "the victim with an attitude," in this case—wisely decided that the couple had to talk about the exciting days, weeks, months, and (yes, potentially) years to come. It was important to discuss some of the fun things they'd be sharing, like night sweats, hot flashes, weight gain, moodiness, crying jags, emotional outbursts, flying objects, etc.

The funny thing is, she was right about this. (Well, she should know!) He could see it too. It really could get quite dicey if they didn't put together some kind of a game plan, a strategy, to deal with this life-altering event. Maybe both sexes don't go through the actual menopause, but if you're in a relationship, believe it, you both experience menopause.

So, down we sat and set about planning Menopause Survival Lists, one for her—and one for him. What follows is what we came up with. And although it's an ongoing work in progress, the lists seem to be helping. We hope they help you, too!

We'll start with the Woman's Essential Menopause Survival List. (Ladies go first, dammit—especially on this one!)

OK, guys are up next. Here's the Man's Reciprocal Menopause Survival List.