Equally Wed

EQUALLY WED

FOREWORD

BY LANCE BASS AND MICHAEL TURCHIN

In the summer of 2015, the United States made a monumental leap forward when the Supreme Court finally ruled in favor of marriage equality for the LGBTQ+ community. What was once a distant hope for millions of gay and lesbian couples was now a fully realized right for all. For the first time, all LGBTQ+ couples could begin the exciting yet daunting task of planning legally recognized weddings, and as we began to plan our very own wedding, we were faced with a whole new set of questions and challenges.

When we immersed ourselves in the planning process, it quickly became apparent that there was a significant lack of resources available to us as a gay couple. We sought advice from our straight friends and families who had gone through the process themselves, but we soon realized that so many of the established traditions presented to us simply didn't make sense in our situation.

Do we get the same rings? What do we wear? Do we have a traditional ceremony? Where should we register? Which traditions should we keep and which should we create for ourselves? The list of questions we had seemed endless, and it only added unnecessary stress to what should have been one of the happiest days of our life together. As a result, we had to change our mind-sets, stop trying to fit our situation into the cookie-cutter notion of "traditional" marriage, and ultimately establish our own new traditions as a modern gay couple.

In an instant, frustration quickly transformed into excitement, and from that moment our creativity began to run wild! Instead of traditional young flower girls, we made a splash by using three of our gorgeous girlfriends who just happened to be supermodels. With no bride in the equation, why not?! Furthermore, we had a friend design three jaw-dropping gowns for our flower girls, reminiscent of couture wedding dresses. The end result was nothing short of amazing, and our guests are still talking about it to this day.

On another note, we made a point to use vendors and brands that had a record of supporting LGBTQ+ equality. From our flowers and food to our venue and tuxedos, we chose vendors who were truly excited to be a part of our union because without them and our other allies, it's a real possibility that we wouldn't be husbands today.

Ultimately our ideas expanded our imaginations even further. We encouraged our guests to dress as lavishly as possible—without fear of overshadowing us! In our minds, this day was just as much for our close friends and family as it was for us. We wanted our guests to feel the most beautiful they'd ever felt, and if that meant showing up in a wedding dress and veil, then by all means we welcomed it.

Looking back, we often wonder how we managed to pull off such an incredible evening with the lack of resources we found pertaining to same-sex weddings. Everything came together beautifully in the end, but if more information had been readily available to help us in regards to the unique planning and execution of our special day, we could have spared ourselves hours if not days worth of stress and worry. That is why Equally Wed is such a game changer in the world of same-sex weddings.

Equally Wed covers everything an engaged couple planning their wedding should consider from "I will" to "I do" with a modern approach tailored specifically to the needs of the LGBTQ+ community. From traveling to safe countries on the honeymoon to dealing with homophobic relatives when making the guest list to breaking out of society's so-called norms, Equally Wed leaves no stone unturned when it comes to successfully planning and executing that truly special day.

Lastly, we would be remiss if we didn't acknowledge the amazing woman who worked tirelessly making Equally Wed into a reality. Kirsten Palladino is an award-winning writer and editor, and one of the world's most notable experts on LGBTQ+ weddings. We first learned of Kirsten back in 2012, when she established National Marriage Equality Day in response to Mike Huckabee's National Chick-Fil-A Day, which applauded the restaurant chain's homophobic policies and funding of gay conversion therapy. Our paths then crossed again in 2014 when we hosted the "Toast to Marriage," an attempt to break the world record for the largest arms-linked toast (in support of marriage equality). We wholly respect the way that she believes in visibility, acceptance, and equality as we do, but also how she is relentless in fighting for it. Ultimately Kirsten isn't afraid to stand strong and use her voice, and now with Equally Wed, her voice and unique expertise are readily available to ensure that every LGBTQ+ person has the resources to plan the wedding of their dreams.

EQUALLY WED

PREFACE

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

Wedding planning can be an arduous task that leaves you stressed out over what feels like the need to make a million decisions simultaneously. But if you go at your own pace and give yourself enough lead time, you can actually enjoy the process. This comprehensive wedding planning book is here to guide you through all your tasks as well as lift you up with moral support. We are in this together!

To help you on your path to the altar, I've laid out the tasks to consider in the timeline that works best for most people planning their wedding. While you're reading, feel free to skip ahead, write in the margins, use page stickers to identify what means the most to you, highlight passages for your spouse-to-be, or read it straight through. I also think it would be helpful for your vendors and even key family members to have their own copy of Equally Wed, as it's a rich trove of information and perspectives that they may not be familiar with. The more informed everyone involved in your wedding is, the better an experience you will have planning one of the most important days of your life.

Throughout the book, you'll discover what some equallywed.com readers have learned in their own wedding planning process, hear questions we had from other nearlyweds before we published this book, receive advice from some of my favorite equality-minded wedding professionals, and see a few love notes scattered throughout from yours truly.

A WORD TO THE WISE

As the author of Equally Wed and the cofounder of the Equally Wed website, I recognize perhaps more than some how important words, names, labels, and boxes are—whether it's a matter of usage or avoidance. Gender is a complex and fluid continuum. One of the reasons there was a need for a book like Equally Wed was to finally break the mold of the heteronormative terms "bride" and "groom" used in wedding books.

Even other books that mention same-sex weddings often call two female-bodied people getting married two "brides," even though that term isn't universally appropriate in the LGBTQ+ wedding community. By the same token, not all male-bodied people want to be referred to as a "groom." Social constructs are just that: a worldview built by society. People are complex, no matter what our gender identity is or who we fall in love with. More appropriate labels, terms, and words to describe people in our community are certain to be as varied as the community itself. The goal of Equally Wed has always been to provide a safe, informative, and inspirational place in which to plan your wedding where your identity is not only validated but valued.

In my experience, most LGBTQ+ people have a certain vocabulary they use to define themselves. Here I've outlined some of the more frequently used terms you'll find in this guide. You might not have seen them before, or be only vaguely familiar with them. Keep in mind that the words you feel most comfortable with do not dictate what you wear or the rituals you practice on your wedding day. For example, a desire to call yourself a groom does not exclude you from being able to carry a bouquet if that's your wish.

LGBTQ+ WEDDING LEXICON

Bach party: A bach (pronounced "batch") party is the gender-neutral term for a bachelor or bachelorette party.

Bridal: The word "bridal" refers to anything related to the marriage and the festive celebrations around it, and its roots are actually gender-neutral. My usage of the word in these pages is always in the gender-neutral sense.

Bride: Anyone can be a bride, no matter their gender identity or orientation. This word is one that you choose for yourself.

Bridegroom: Historically, this term has been used for a man getting married. For modern weddings, anyone can claim this title for themselves.

Broom: "Broom" was coined in 2008 by Maria Palladino, cofounder and publisher of Equally Wed and my wife, when we were planning our own wedding. A broom typically presents themself as masculine but prefers this combination of the words "bride" and "groom" rather than "groom."

Celebrant: A gender-neutral term for both a person getting married and the person who performs the marriage ceremony.

Cisgender: The term for someone who identifies as the gender of the body they were born in.

Equality-minded wedding professionals: A trademarked term I created for people and businesses that are cognizant and respectful of varying worldviews and aren't restricted by homogeny. Within the wedding industry, this includes being mindful and respectful of the LGBTQ+ community's specific needs.

Gender nonconforming: The term for someone who does not adhere to stereotypes or other people's views about how they should look or act based on the female or male gender they were assigned at birth.

Genderqueer: The term for someone who identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.

Gender variant: Someone whose gender is varied, either in a fluid or a static way.

Gride: A combination of the words "groom" and "bride."

Groom: Anyone can be a groom, no matter their gender identity or orientation. This word is one that you choose for yourself. Grooms can wear anything.

Group marriage: Group marriage is a term applied when more than two people enter into a marriage. While polyamory isn't directly addressed in Equally Wed, polyamorous members of the LGBTQ+ community who are planning weddings to multiple partners are welcome here and encouraged to apply any or all of the ideas and guidelines suggested in these pages.

Intergender: This is the term for a person whose gender identity is between genders or a combination of genders.

Marrier: A gender-neutral term for a person getting married or the person who performs the marriage ceremony.

Nearlywed: A gender-neutral term for a person engaged to be married.

Nonbinary: A term for someone who identifies as any gender outside of the male/female binary.

They: This book uses "they" as a singular pronoun, which covers men, women, gender fluid, transgender, and gender-nonconforming individuals. "They" instead of "he or she" has been used in news outlets such as the Washington Post and the Wall Street Journal, and in fact, it's usage is nothing new. "They" has been used as a singular pronoun for at least seven centuries, appearing in the work of writers from Chaucer to Shakespeare to Jane Austen.

Wedding: A wedding is a wedding is a wedding is a wedding. Regardless of legal standing in your hometown or abroad, your marriage ceremony is about coming together and committing your hearts and lives to one another. I hope marriage equality is one day a global reality. But your wedding isn't any less valid just because a government or society doesn't yet recognize you as equal citizens. You are equal to every other human on this planet, and your love matters.

Wedding party: The terms for your wedding attendants and helpers are endless. I explore name possibilities more here, but there are no rules for how you affectionately name the beloved attendants who stand up for you on your wedding day. Besides, rules are meant to be broken.