Suri's Burn Book

PART 1

Starting Off Right:
Birth in Hollywood

Not every birth merits an announcement on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, but you can do better than a Twitpic.

FROM THE MOMENT THE BABY BUMP RUMORS start, fame is a make-or-break game for a celebrity child. The hardest part about building one’s image in this town is that babies are inherently dependent upon their parents in the beginning. Jessica Simpson’s daughter could turn out to be a genuinely lovely person, but she’ll never overcome the stigma of having lived inside this.

Sure, not every girl has the privilege of coming into the world the way I did—shrouded in mystery and poised for greatness—but even C-list celebrities can ensure that their children arrive with a little grace. This chapter will cover some dos and don’ts for starting a baby on the right foot. (Lesson one: Louboutins.)

BABY NAMES

THIS IS ONE AREA WHERE FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION—children must carry this name around for the rest of their lives. Most celebrities try to give their child a name that will stand out. How many other Knoxes or Seraphinas or Sparrows do you know? Probably not many. But there is a balance to be struck between “unique” and “just plain crazy.”

Celebrity chef Jaime Oliver and his wife Jools named their children Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Petal Blossom Rainbow, and Buddy Bear Maurice. Let me just tell you, the only way Poppy Honey Anything is coming to my tea party is if it’s a new expensive blend of Darjeeling. And, I mean, Petal Blossom Rainbow? Good luck getting into college, a country club, or basically anything that isn’t a commune. They didn’t give you anything to work with.

Obviously the most famous A-list child with a too-wacky name is the heiress to the Goop and Coldplay fortune herself, Apple Blythe Alison Martin. Here is what Gwyneth Paltrow says about the meaning behind the name:

“Basically it was because when we were first pregnant, her daddy said, ‘If it’s a girl, I think her name should be Apple.’ And it sounded so sweet, and it conjures such a lovely picture for me. You know apples are so sweet, and they’re wholesome, and it’s biblical, and I just thought it sounded so lovely and clean, and then I just thought—perfect. And then she was born, and it became like an international outrage, which I found surprising because there are people named Rose or Lily or Ivy or June, or you know, lots of pretty nouns.”

First of all, “international outrage” is a little bit of revisionist history. When I think of an international outrage, I think of the Cuban Missile Crisis or Iran-Contra or the series finale of Lost. Certainly many, many people made fun of Gwyneth and her baby, but no one threatened to deport them or anything. Second of all, I don’t care how many contradictory adjectives you put behind it, Apple is a terrible name. But like it or not, she started a trend, opening doors for less famous stars to give their children ridiculous names.

See, Gwyneth Paltrow, as an A-lister, can get away with nonsense like that. Ashlee Simpson, who is C-list at best, can’t. She named her son Bronx Mowgli Wentz, as if he weren’t already saddled with enough baggage just by virtue of being the son of the Fall Out Boy and “the Simpson who isn’t Jessica.” According to the San Francisco Chronicle:

“[Pete] Wentz reveals Mowgli was inspired by the lead character in Rudyard Kipling’s classic story, but he’s refusing to reveal why they chose Bronx, also the name of one of New York’s five boroughs. Wentz says, ‘The Jungle Book was something that me and Ashlee bonded over. It’s a cool name.’”

Maybe they saw it on a highway sign or on a list of “The Top Ten Places Not to Go.” Or maybe when their baby was born, they realized their child was about to be raised by fun-loving, if unprepared, jungle creatures. (Except those movie animals could sing.) I’m not actually convinced they had a reason at all.

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, who gave their firstborn, Harlow Winter Kate, a decent enough name, really went for the full trash can when they chose Sparrow James Midnight Madden for their second child. What a lesson in superfluous middle names, especially since they don’t compensate for the garbage surrounding them. Sparrow? No, thank you. That is my second least favorite bird, after the common street pigeon. And Madden, if you haven’t learned, means nothing in this town. Actually, I’m not sure if the guy in this photo is Joel Madden or a character from some preschool television show.

But fear not, little children! You can legally change your name when you turn eighteen, or younger if you have parental consent. (This is how, at fifteen, Destiny Hope Cyrus became Miley Cyrus. Destiny made better choices.) For some celebrity babies, the name change comes even earlier.

Meg Ryan, who I think used to be famous like forty years ago (maybe even before talkies), adopted a baby girl from China and named her Charlotte, only to realize later that her daughter was more of a Daisy—because moving from China and finding out your mom has already spent your college money on Botox isn’t enough of an adjustment. Meg said she settled on Daisy because her baby “is a really ridiculously happy person, and it was the happiest name I could think of.”

It didn’t take long for David Boreanaz, D-lister, to regret naming his baby Bardot, after Brigitte, a sex symbol of yesteryear and a known racist. It was a particularly uncomfortable choice once Boreanaz’s, ahem, dalliances hit the press. (Other names for philanderers to avoid naming their legitimate children: Monica, Camilla, Soon-Yi.) Soon, the Boreanazes renamed their daughter Bella, because, you know, when you can’t use actresses of classic film for inspiration, there’s always Twilight.