Sheltering and Aging in Place: Tech Made Easy for Vampires

BECOME AN INFLUENCER

BEING AN ONLINE influencer will reduce anyone’s desire to be in your physical presence by 63 percent. Gone will be the days of being harassed in your own home by a pesky Van Helsing or Johnny Harker type. As another perk, the ad revenue will reduce by 100 percent the number of workplace webinars you are required to attend (e.g., “We Need to Talk”: Difficult Conversations at Work).

Creating polls is an easy and fun way to establish camaraderie with like-minded individuals. Although you’re alone in your casket, the magic of the internet brings other vampires out of the “woodwork.” Suddenly, you’ve got people to talk to besides the ones you’ll eat. And you didn’t even have to create them!

OTHER WAYS TO MAKE THE MOST OF DORMANT HOURS FOR “BUILDING” WEALTH:

• Watch videos on how to make money on E-Trade. Eternity is the perfect amount of time to invest in exchange-traded funds.
• Create a closed FB group for your friends called Nocturnal Daytraders.
• Start a YouTube wealth management channel, Rich Vlad/Poor Vlad.
• Establish a deregulation super PAC called Prosperous Americans for Prosperous Prosperity.
• Alternatively, sell your services as a hit man on the dark web in exchange for cryptocurrency.

FOR “HUNTING” FOOD:

• Order from Uber Eats to receive a delicious driver right to your door. (Order crawdads or fried crickets for Renfield.)
• Purchase items from Amazon to receive a delicious driver right to your door.
• Sign up for catalogs to receive a delicious mail carrier right to your door.
• Join Craigslist to receive a delicious “massage therapist” right to your door.
• Hack Niantic to designate your lair a Pokémon gym, receiving delicious gamers right to your door.

FOR LEARNING:

• Because the population is older now than ever in the past, look up medical conditions to which you are likely to be exposed when you imbibe seniors, including diabetes and cancer. Will you get these conditions? Dear god, do you have them now?? Check out WebMD.
• If both you and your prey have cataracts, will anyone know what’s going on?
• What happens if you ingest Botox or collagen fillers?

HERE ARE A FEW INTERESTING FACTS AND FIGURES:

• 11 percent of Facebook users are vampires.
• 13 percent of vampires 500 years and older are using Twitter.
• There is 1,920 percent yearly growth in this demographic group.
• Four out of five of these users log on for at least 17 hours in any given day.

VAMPIRES USING FACEBOOK:

• 40 percent: Locate “meals”
• 30 percent: Connect with extremely old friends
• 20 percent: Post embarrassing pics of Renfield
• 10 percent: Play Scrabble

CONCLUSION

ALTHOUGH YOU WERE vulnerable in the past each time you went out to eat, there is now no need ever to imperil yourself again. This is truly the era of the vampire! Congratulations.

Excerpted from How to Survive a Human Attack: A Guide for Werewolves, Mummies, Cyborgs, Ghosts, Nuclear Mutants, and Other Movie Monsters by K. E. Flann. Copyright © 2021. Available from Running Press, an imprint of Hachette Book Group, Inc.

Order the Book