By Zach Golden
Formats and Prices
- Spiral bound $16.00 $22.00 CAD
- ebook $9.99 $12.99 CAD
This item is a preorder. Your payment method will be charged immediately, and the product is expected to ship on or around October 8, 2019. This date is subject to change due to shipping delays beyond our control.
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I’m something of a job aficionado. To date, I’ve worked as a dishwasher, prep cook, author, film director, retail associate, checkout lady, knife salesman, underage illegal alcohol sales bait, camp counselor, retail buyer, snowboard coach, advertising writer, lawn mower, sporting goods store manager, barista, babysitter, trampoline safety attendant, and television producer; plus I had an internship at an ad agency that only marketed pharmaceutical products, because regular advertising wasn’t morally callous enough. And in my employed lifetime, I’ve become a self-proclaimed expert in just about everything having to do with jobs, from labor relations and work-life balance to fabricating intricate yet believable excuses for missing work for extended periods of time. Finding a new career is one of the most difficult decisions we face in our lives. Fortunately, with my breadth of experience, generosity, and strong sense of entitlement, there is this at-times helpful guide that takes the important decision out of your weak, impotent hands and helps you figure out what the fuck you should do with your life.
Retail associates will soon be replaced by robots that are more efficient than humans, at least until the rebellion, but until then, they’re an important position that’s equal parts sales, customer service, and getting belittled by uppity whites. A career as a retail associate isn’t particularly lucrative, but what you sacrifice in wages, you’ll more than make up for in the feelings of murderous rage when you compromise all your morals daily, because the customer is always right. You’ll sell almost nothing, because the only customers you’ll deal with are only at the store to see the product in person before they buy it online for cheaper and without human contact. The only customers who won’t scurry away from you like roaches when the lights are turned on are the elderly, who are confused by the internet and thus genuinely need your help, and small, angry people who hate themselves but are too self-absorbed to admit it, so they go to a store and take it out on you instead.
HOW TO BECOME A RETAIL ASSOCIATE
Go into a store you’d be interested in working at and loudly announce anything that you’d do differently if you were in charge; then ask for a job application but say it sort of sarcastically and sigh like it’s beneath you. If you find this doesn’t work, try bolstering your résumé or CV with “relevant experience” by listing a friend’s number as your former employer; then have them shower you in accolades and superlatives, and watch the job offers come rolling in.
• You have no problem striking up a conversation with a stranger, even though every stranger is a potential murderer
• You aspire to be an entrepreneur but lack the drive
• A love of petty drama
• A never-ending loop of Top 40 music that will slowly lull you into sociopathy
• If you don’t viciously kiss their asses, customers will ask to speak to your manager, who will have to mercifully fire you to assuage them
Don’t want to routinely debase yourself for minimum wage? Go to here.
Earth is a combination of land, water, and air, and hovercrafts are the only vehicles on the planet able to dominate all these surfaces at will, making them the number one escape vehicles for whatever mass extinction event will eventually befall humanity. Hovercrafts glide effortlessly nine inches above whatever surface they feel like conquering, propelled by giant fans and the calm, steady hand of one of the world’s most underappreciated professionals, the hovercraft pilot. There are professional drivers, boat captains, and aircraft pilots, all of whom are respected despite specializing in only one vehicle, like goddamn cowards. Hovercraft pilots are experts in—or at least have lots of false confidence about—driving, boating, and flying, and they also should be proficient in wrestling gators, just in case. Hovercrafts can go places no other vehicle can, provided there are no obstructions taller than nine inches, and hovercraft pilots are heroic lifelines in some of life’s most serious situations, such as search-and-rescue emergencies, military operations, and making Florida seem like a bearable place to spend any amount of time.
HOW TO BECOME A HOVERCRAFT PILOT
More than any other job in this book, the life of a hovercraft pilot is more a calling than a career. If you are destined to become one, you will know, and nobody will have to tell you what to do, because it will possess your soul and control your mind and body, and you will either become a hovercraft pilot or die trying, for it is your reason for existing.
• Preordained destiny as a chosen one
• Oakley Blade sunglasses
• Hovercrafts are the ultimate pheromone: you will become irresistible to anyone with even a modicum of good taste
• Occasionally pilots are sucked into the giant fans and sliced into hundreds if not thousands of tiny pieces, which is almost always fatal
You’re a fucking coward? Go to here.
Teachers are tasked with one of the most important jobs in the world: preparing the youth for what lies ahead, a Mad Max–ian dystopian future in which he/she/they who control the water control everything. Teachers take you in at five years old, when you know almost nothing of worth, and in thirteen years, they fill your brain with enough knowledge to be a contributing member of society. With all this responsibility, education, training, and influence over countless children’s lives, if you become a teacher, you will get paid just enough to only need to bus tables at Applebee’s four nights a week to afford the lease payments on your Kia Rio. All that you need to know about becoming a teacher is this: tenure. Once you get it, you’re pretty much untouchable. If they want to get rid of you, they have to jump through so many bureaucratic hoops and fill out so much soul-crushing paperwork that as long as you don’t punch somebody out or love kids in the wrong way, all you have to do is show up, and you’re set until retirement.
HOW TO BECOME A TEACHER
- On Sale
- Oct 8, 2019
- Page Count
- 112 pages
- Running Press