Baby Knows Best

Introduction

Parenting is a difficult job and one that is impossible to fully prepare for. My son's newborn diapers were neatly stacked, the drawer was full of Onesies, and my heart was full of love for a child I had yet to meet. Then Elijah was born. I asked the nurse at the hospital if I could stay just one more night. I had spent so much time lying awake gazing at my baby that I was utterly exhausted. The nurses kept saying, "You need to sleep when he sleeps," but I didn't want to rest. I wanted to observe his every move and respond to his every gurgle. We arrived home, and the constant caring for my son hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never had a full-time job that was so, literally, full-time. Or one that was so demanding as well as important to me. When my husband and I took Elijah for his one-month checkup, his pediatrician asked me if I had been out of the house. When I told him that I hadn't even taken a walk in the neighborhood, he ordered me to stop hibernating and get out of the house. But how would I do that? Days went by when I couldn't even manage to squeeze in a shower. In those early weeks, having it sufficiently together to go for a stroll in the neighborhood seemed like climbing Everest. What if we were out and he started to cry? What if he was too cold? Too warm? What if it started to rain? What if…? I had to be prepared for any contingency, didn't I? It wasn't that I was particularly anxious, but I felt I had to have all the answers.

In those first weeks, I experienced a potent combination of exhilaration and exhaustion. I was certainly elated to be a mother, but because I was working so hard at it, some of the pure pleasure of parenting was lost. When Elijah made the slightest peep, I leaped up to see what was the matter. His cries, whether big or small, meant there was something I needed to fix, and the sooner the better. Responding so quickly to my son's upset made it impossible for me to pull back and consider the full picture. I was operating under the assumption that babies should be happy all the time. I don't know anyone who is happy all the time, so why was I expecting something different from my baby?

When Elijah was a year old, I was fortunate to discover the work of Magda Gerber, through her book Your Self-Confident Baby. The title intrigued me because self-confidence was not something I would ever have ascribed to a baby. I read the book, and my husband, Jonny, and I found our way to RIE Parent-Infant Guidance classes, which had a profound impact on the way we parent and our relationship with our son. Over time I slowed down, learned to observe, and discovered just how competent and capable Elijah could be. Once I got to know my son not as "a baby" but as a unique individual, our interactions fundamentally changed. I relaxed, my confidence grew, and being with Elijah became a lot more fun.

You may have been parented in a way that you would like to emulate with your child. Or you may want to parent very differently from the way you were parented, to let go of patterns from your childhood that you would prefer not to repeat. But how do you break a cycle that has been passed down from one generation to the next? Awareness and intention are important first steps, but then what? How do you replace what you know with what you don't know?

For most of us, parenting is the most important job we will have in our lives, and yet it is often one we are unprepared for—at least in the way of a formal education. While biology is part of the standard high school curriculum, basic infant development is nowhere to be found. Parents who consider themselves competent in other areas of their lives sometimes feel unsure when it comes to caring for their babies. They presume they can rely on instinct but find themselves confused about how best to care for their baby. This is compounded by the fact that little or no social service support exists for new parents in most communities, and many new parents live miles away from their own parents or other family members who might offer guidance and support. No wonder many new parents go to the bookstore or search the Internet in the middle of the night to find answers to an immediate challenge. But it can be confusing when one answer entirely contradicts another. What's a parent to do?

The Educaring^® Approach is the basis for this book and provides a framework and practical tools that will support you in finding your own solutions to all sorts of parenting challenges and in becoming a more confident parent. The approach is based on the unique principles and revolutionary teachings of Magda Gerber, world-renowned founder of RIE^® (Resources for Infant Educarers). A comprehensive approach to caring for and being with your baby, Educaring lays the foundation for a lifelong relationship based on respect. It shows you ways to understand what your baby really needs, and teaches you how to respond to those needs accurately. Although the approach focuses on newborns to two-year-olds, the concepts will continue to serve you well long after your baby is out of diapers. No special equipment is necessary. All that is needed is an open mind and heart.

ABOUT MAGDA GERBER

Magda Gerber was born in Budapest, Hungary. She married at eighteen and shortly thereafter became a mother. She remarked that although she was well educated, nothing in her studies had prepared her for being a parent. One day, one of Magda's daughters, who was then four years old, was sick and needed medical attention. The family pediatrician was unavailable, so Magda's daughter suggested they call the mother of one of her friends, who was a pediatrician. Dr. Emmi Pikler came to see Magda's daughter at their home and inquired about her sore throat. When Magda began to speak on her daughter's behalf, Dr. Pikler gestured for Magda to be quiet so that the child could respond. Magda was astonished by her daughter's ability to clearly articulate how she was feeling. Dr. Pikler asked permission of Magda's daughter before looking in her throat, and Magda was stunned by the cooperative exchange between them. The interaction not only revealed to Magda her daughter's competence but astounded her with its respectful give-and-take. From then on, Dr. Pikler was the pediatrician to Magda's children, and thus began a long collaboration and friendship that continued until Emmi Pikler's death in 1984.

When World War II ended, the Hungarian government commissioned Dr. Pikler to establish a residential facility to care for children from birth to three years of age who had been orphaned during the war or whose parents were unable to care for them. Six months after she received the commission, the National Methodological Institute for Infant Care and Education was opened. Here, all those who cared for the children followed Dr. Pikler's very specific pedagogy. It was a vastly different place from other residential facilities where babies, at best, had their basic needs attended to or, at worst, were victims of indifferent treatment and "warehousing." The orphanage was commonly referred to as "Lóczy," for the street on which it was located, and upon Dr. Pikler's death, it was renamed the Pikler Institute in her honor. The institute cared for children for over sixty years, and although it is no longer a residential facility, it continues to be an international beacon of quality infant care and education. Among other things, Dr. Pikler is well known for her research about and approach to natural gross motor development, which was quite controversial at a time when many in the medical community were espousing the benefits of stimulation to teach babies how to move.

Magda studied with Dr. Pikler at Lóczy and went on to earn her master's degree in early childhood education in Budapest. She and her family left Hungary in 1956 after the revolution and immigrated to the United States the following year. They first settled in Boston, where Magda worked as an interpreter at Harvard University. A year later, the family made its way to Los Angeles, where Magda worked with children with cerebral palsy at Children's Hospital and then with children with autism spectrum disorders at the Dubnoff School. She applied the principles she learned at Lóczy and added her own insights, gathered through her unique educational and professional experiences. She had the ability to see the universality in all of us and applied the same principles with all children, including those with special needs. As Magda said, "My magic was simply observing closely and expecting of the children only what they could do. When a child is expected to do something he cannot, he is set up for failure."¹ Those who knew Magda describe her extraordinary empathy and instinctive ability to relate to people. Magda had such compassion for the tender and vulnerable new parents who found their way to her classes, and she was able to gently guide them without undermining their confidence.

In 1972, Stanford pediatric neurologist Tom Forrest invited Magda to join him as founding codirector of the Demonstration Infant Program (DIP), a preventive mental health project commissioned by the Children's Health Council of Palo Alto, California. The following year, Magda began teaching parent-infant guidance classes in Los Angeles and in 1978, with Dr. Forrest, founded Resources for Infant Educarers (RIE), based in Los Angeles. At RIE, Magda taught an innovative kind of parent-infant class where parents were encouraged to observe their babies as they played freely, as an RIE facilitator modeled when and how to intervene with the babies. Since those early days, thousands of parents and caregivers have studied at RIE, and tens of thousands of babies have been cared for by adults who practice the Educaring Approach. Magda died in 2007, but her important work continues around the world through the dedicated RIE Associates who conduct classes for parents and professionals, as well as those who work directly with babies and toddlers.

Magda said she felt so fortunate to receive such valuable guidance from Dr. Pikler that she was compelled to share it with others. Her passion and life's work were helping parents and caregivers to understand babies and to learn what it means to interact with them respectfully. She taught that babies come into the world as complete human beings with their own distinct points of view. She helped us to see that by slowing down, observing, and taking the time to wait, we could understand our babies better and respond to their needs more accurately. She showed us what it means to respect a baby while also respecting ourselves.

Magda came from a European perspective, and this is reflected in her Educaring Approach. Even if you come from a similar cultural background, you may find that some of what you read here may differ from your cultural or family practices. Although habits and customs may vary from culture to culture, and different families certainly have their own unique way of doing things, I believe that the Educaring Approach can help any parent to better understand his or her baby and make the role of parent easier and more enjoyable. The essential truths of the Educaring Approach can be beneficial and relevant to all kinds of families, whether they consist of a single parent, a mother and father, two moms, two dads, or extended families with grandparents who take an active role in caring for the baby.

I hope you will use Baby Knows Best as a guidebook. Each chapter begins with a relevant quote from Magda. In the next chapter, you will be introduced to basic RIE principles and concepts that form the foundation of the approach. Later chapters address specific topics and issues that are part of everyday life with a baby or toddler and suggest ways of handling them. Throughout the book, parents as well as RIE educators offer their thoughts and insights on the Educaring Approach. Gender is referred to as she/her and he/his in alternate chapters. You will note that specific ages are not implied for major milestones such as rolling over, sitting up, crawling, and walking. Magda did not like to attach ages to these events because she wanted to encourage parents to appreciate what their baby was doing rather than measuring and comparing him to the supposed norm.

If you read this book and decide that you would like to make some changes in the way you care for your baby, I suggest that you start with just one or two RIE principles or ideas and practice them for a while until you and your baby become comfortable with them. Doing a lot of things differently, all at once, may be overwhelming for you and confusing for your baby, so take your time. There's no hurry. After all, this is the beginning of a lifelong relationship.

I hope you will discover, as I did, how the Educaring Approach can help you get to know your baby better, become a more confident parent, and find more joy in parenting. It can be a parent's greatest pleasure to witness a baby's growing competence, self-reliance, and resourcefulness. It is an extraordinary gift to have a respectful, cooperative, intimate, and loving relationship with your child.