By Chris Colfer
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Mother Goose has had centuries of thrilling adventures and finally she’s allowing her favorite readers to take a peek at all her secrets. Who else gossiped with Queen Elizabeth I, taught geography to Napoleon, marched for equal rights with Martin Luther King Jr., and served as Andy Warhol’s muse?
With Chris Colfer’s trademark wit and humor, fans will love getting the inside scoop on Mother Goose.
100 DA (DRAGON AGE)
Today marks the hundredth anniversary of the dragons taking over the planet. It also happens to be my thirteenth birthday, and it's the worst birthday I've ever had. Two months ago Mom and Dad ran off to pursue their dreams of becoming musicians. They said they wanted a better life for me than one on the road, so they sent me to live with the fairies in the Fairy Palace.
Sometimes living with the fairies feels like I'm living in a glittery, smiley, rainbow cult. Everyone in the Fairy Kingdom is obsessed with white magic and doing good deeds. I'm like the black sheep of the Fairy Palace, and they hate me for it. They're always teasing me in the halls and throwing crumpled up pieces of paper at me during magic lessons. I wish Mom and Dad had left me with the trolls and goblins—at least I wouldn't get into trouble for putting a bully into a headlock there.
It's been really hard making a friend here, hence why I've started journaling. There's one girl who's a little older than me who I guess is okay. Everyone really likes her a lot around here; they say she'll be running the joint when she gets older. She really likes me for some reason and has been looking out for me. I don't know her name, but she stands up for me every time she sees someone picking on me.
She was the only person who remembered it was my birthday today. She made me a cake, but then lectured me about how much of it I was eating.
"Careful," she said. "You'll make yourself sick."
"Don't mother me," I said. "We're practically the same age."
"I don't mean to mother you, but someone has to look out for you," she said. "Consider me your godmother while you live with the fairies."
"You want to be my fairy godmother?" I asked.
"Fairy godmother?" she said and scrunched up her nose. "That sounds silly."
It was the only time I had seen her dislike something, so naturally I had to tease her about it. "Too late, that's what I'll be calling you from this moment on!"
The "fairy godmother" just laughed. "Whatever it takes to be your friend," she said.
I've never been used to kindness. It's always given me a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach, just like mermaid stew.
"Why are you so nice to me?" I asked. "All the other fairies can't stand me, so why are you trying to be my friend?"
"I can't explain why, but I've always loved taking care of people. It's sort of a hobby," she said. "What do you do for fun?"
"I like playing cards and picking the locks of liquor cabinets," I said. "So I don't think I'm the kind of girl you want to be friends with."
"Are you kidding? That's exactly the kind of friend I want!" she said. "You're different, and different is good! The more different you have in your life, the more exciting it is! People around here don't understand that. I'm so bored of all these perfect and colorful fairies flying around—they're no fun! I'd give anything to do something thrilling and spontaneous!"
"I know what you mean," I said. "I've been thinking about sneaking away from the Fairy Palace and capturing a dragon! Want to come with me? It could be the thrilling and spontaneous thing you're looking for."
Her eyes lit up like it was the best idea she had ever heard. "Let's go!"
I never did catch her real name, but I think this "fairy godmother" girl might be the closest thing I have to a friend. Maybe my birthday wasn't such a bad day after all.
100 AD (AFTER DRAGONS)
It's been one hundred years since the dragons went extinct, and I'm starting to miss those scaly suckers. Don't get me wrong: Things were terrible while they were in existence. Everything was burnt to a crisp! The air was always filled with smoke! Peasants were constantly running for their lives—even when they didn't need to be! The dragons made them so paranoid, they ran in circles around their villages all day, just in case one attacked it. No one knew how to relax with those overgrown reptiles flying around.
It was a lot of work getting rid of them, but thankfully the fairies and I managed. Since then, we've tried restoring some sense into the kingdoms. But I can't help wondering if getting rid of the dragons was a good idea. Things have become so dull I'm starting to go stir-crazy!
Obviously I don't miss getting burned by their breath or whipped by their tails or the constant pandemonium they caused, but at least we had some fun slaying them! Sure, it was a dangerous and scary time, but it was stimulating. Not to mention all the money I made from wrestling the smaller ones in sold-out arenas.
Nowadays, we're so hit up for entertainment we obsess over every ditz who needs a rescue or a makeover. First it was Cinderella, then Sleeping Beauty was all anyone could talk about, next Snow White came onto the scene, and now it's some girl named Rapunzel's turn in the spotlight. I can barely keep track of them! You'd think the Charming brothers were in a competition to find and marry the neediest woman.
By the way, who is naming these people? Snow White is not a name, that's a description! Cinderella is just cruel and Rapunzel sounds like something that happens to fruit when it's left in the sun. Do famous people name their kids ridiculous things just to tick off the rest of us?
It's not just the damsels in distress that are all the rage. Have you noticed every village idiot with a quirk becomes national news? Jack and Jill fell down a hill—so what? Little Bo Peep lost her sheep—how is that my problem? Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock—call pest control, not me!
We're inherently teaching our children that the bigger a numbskull you are, the more attention you'll get. In my day, it was the knights in shining armor and the valiant leaders who got the respect. You actually had to do something significant to earn notoriety. Just because times are simpler now doesn't mean we should celebrate every moron under the sun!
The Fairy Godmother tells us we've entered a "Golden Age." I say we've entered a "snooze fest." Everything is so peaceful and happy it's driving me nuts. Too much smiling can't be good for the soul. And if I hear one more schmuck say the phrase happily ever after I'm going to beat them with the heel of my buckled shoe. Who came up with that? And why do we have to say it at the end of everything?
The phrase was so catchy, the Fairy Godmother established the Happily Ever After Assembly with the Fairy Council and the current kings and queens of the kingdoms. I wanted nothing to do with it, but she insisted I join. Now I'm expected to contribute to the progress and prosperity of our world, when I'd rather just mock it from afar.
I'm not sure why she wanted me around, but I owe the Fairy Godmother one. I've felt terrible ever since I turned down the chance to be her apprentice. I've never met someone who cares so genuinely about making life better for the people and creatures in our world than the Fairy Godmother—I could never fill her shoes!
The Fairy Godmother's a great gal and an excellent friend. We've been close since we were kids. We're always there for each other, through thick and thin. I held her hand when she gave birth to both of her sons, and provided a shoulder to cry on when her husband died. In return, she's always posted my bail and testified as a character witness—you don't get closer than that!
The Fairy Godmother has always seen something in me that no one, including myself, has seen before. Despite all my mistakes and bad habits that the other fairies are so quick to berate me for, the Fairy Godmother defends me and has my back. She says I bring a lot of good into the world, whether I believe it or not. I just hope I never disappoint her.
Once again, she was the only person who remembered
- On Sale
- Jul 11, 2017
- Page Count
- 128 pages
- Little, Brown Books for Young Readers