Affluence Intelligence

For over a decade at the Money, Meaning & Choices Institute, we have used our senior-level expertise in business and psychology to help people to change their lives—and often those changes include having more money. We have worked to discover the secret ingredients of the twenty-first-century success story. We're sure you have puzzled over other people's rise to the top despite resumes and experience that are no better than yours, who may, in fact, have less education and who don't put in a 24/7 workweek. Despite appearances, they are doing something different from what you are doing. The good news is that you can learn to do it, too.

Prior to establishing the Institute, as psychologists we each worked in social services, private practice, and in the business world. Joan worked for a program that helped people with schizophrenia and manic depression; Stephen was a codirector of a public health program for severely disturbed adults. We have experience working with a wide range of people. On one end of the spectrum, we have helped with people in social services trying to find a job to support themselves, single parents who are struggling to make ends meet, hardworking and educated people who cannot seem to stay out of debt or break habits of underearning, and penniless drug addicts. On the other end are the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, heirs to massive family fortunes, and the highest earners who simply cannot stop spending. In other words, we have worked with some of the richest and some of the poorest people in this country. As a result, we have developed an effective program to help people gain real financial and personal satisfaction and fulfillment. By unlocking your Affluence Intelligence, you will have the opportunity to reorganize and upgrade your life, to live a life more closely aligned with what is most important to you, and to make money your ally rather than your adversary.

Our unique understanding of affluence, and the program we built to help people get it, was born out of our direct experience with clients. Two, in particular, may give you insight into what makes some people thrive financially and achieve life satisfaction while others struggle.

David was an architect at a prestigious Bay Area firm. He was competent but not brilliant—we suspected he would never make senior partner at his firm, although he had a degree from an Ivy League school and earned an admirable salary. However, he and his wife, Ellie, had cultivated a sumptuous lifestyle that, now that she was no longer working, was just a little out of their reach. They were starting to get into debt. Ellie's father had always provided for her, and David knew he was expected by both his wife and himself to do the same. David had come to see us about his high level of anxiety, for which his doctor had recently prescribed Xanax. "I lie awake at night imagining that something's going to happen that will derail me financially," he told us. Not only anxious, David was adrift. He needed to change something—to find a new direction for both his work and his life.

Howard came from a very different background. He had dropped out of college to work at his father's business, a home appliance /electronics store. By the time he was thirty, Howard had expanded the business from one store into three and, by starring in a series of low-budget but popular TV ads, had become a local celebrity. Over the next decade Howard built a chain of popular stores and earned a high income that allowed him and his family to live in comfort—even luxury. Howard had come to see us because he wanted to make sure he provided for his children, but he did not want to spoil them or make them think they did not have to work to support themselves when they reached adulthood.

Having spent time working with both David and Howard, we realized that they had both been dealt similar hands. Both were ambitious, hardworking, and had the chance at a good education (although Howard had chosen not to see his through). Each earned an income that most people would envy. But while David was clearly unhappy and struggling, Howard appeared content. He was by no means a financial genius, but he had a belief in his vision and fire in his belly, and he was willing to take several big risks that had paid off very well financially. In contrast, David had achieved some big accomplishments (a degree from a good school, a job with a respected firm), but somehow, as he told us, "I feel that I have gotten stuck and am no longer enjoying my life." Being stuck meant he wasn't doing the kind of work that would lead to a promotion and a bigger salary, or at least that is what he feared.

What did Howard have that David didn't? We felt that the answer to this question held a precious secret just waiting to be discovered and shared. After we discussed the many people we had counseled over the years, we agreed that Howard (and others like him) had something that we decided to call Affluence Intelligence: that seemingly mysterious quality that made some people—often not the smartest, best educated, or most hardworking—able to create rich and fulfilling lives for themselves, to have money, and to be deeply satisfied.

Of course, how much we need for our desires varies greatly depending on what we want. One person might be dying for a Porsche 911. Another person might yearn instead for an experience, such as the ability to take off from work and hike in the mountains for a week. Each can be equally valid choices. When you think about what you want, the point is not to judge your desires as good or bad, but to determine how much money you need, not just to get by but to be affluent. Howard was not much of a spender, but he had the comforting knowledge that if he or his wife wanted something, he could probably afford to go ahead and buy it.

Those with Affluence Intelligence have found their unique financial balance point between needs and wants. There isn't a dollar amount that answers the question, How much is enough? (If I had $X million I'd be satisfied.) They use what they have to develop a financial strategy for saving, spending, and sharing, and the transferring of their money that is based on their core values, and is sustainable over the long term.

By unlocking your Affluence Intelligence, this book will help you determine your unique balance point, and what you need to do to reach it.

Many people have jobs that do not interest them, or that they find boring. Architecture had once been David's passion, but it no longer was—yet he had made no lifestyle changes to reflect his change of heart. Instead, he had fallen into a "gerbil on the wheel" existence, doing the same thing day after day in an effort to stay ahead. Living like this is not living in affluence. No matter how high your salary, you are not affluent until you spend time doing something that you truly love.

Affluence does not mean having as many relationships as possible, although it is great to be rich in friends. We're not talking about your friend count on Facebook (do you really need 700 friends?). Instead, we are talking about the people with whom you are really connected, who provide real comfort and satisfaction.

Some of our clients have an incredibly strong family bond, which they say is essential to their happiness and success. The Morrows are a four-generation ranching family that we see twice a year. In these multigeneration family meetings, family members take the opportunity to share very personal concerns, using the larger (more than twenty members) family group as a sounding board. There are always moments of joy and tears: a family member might ask for forgiveness for not having followed through with something they said they would do, or a college-bound young man may ask for feedback on his choice of a major. The Morrows have a priceless capacity to provide their family members with helpful and honest feedback.

Finding joy in relationships can be fraught with hardship, particularly when money becomes an issue. Finances were causing so much tension between David and his wife that they had started talking about divorce. This level of discord in a major relationship does not have a place in an affluent life. Although their income was in excess of $300,000 per year, they felt as if they were struggling to get by. While it is true that money issues are the number one problem in love relationships in the United States, those who have Affluence Intelligence know how to keep their money problems in perspective and out of the bedroom. The Beatles were right. Money doesn't buy love—or a life rich in closeness, emotional connection, or sexual satisfaction.

Being affluent also means having a sense of personal safety. It means living in a neighborhood where you do not feel physically threatened, and being able to afford physical protections—such as a safe car, a secure home, and comprehensive insurance in case of disaster—so that you can feel confident in your ability to protect and care for yourself and your loved ones.

In the United States, and other Western societies, money is power. This is not true in all cultures. In India, wisdom is power; in many traditional Jewish cultures, education is power. But in this country, when you have money, people listen to you. You control the purse strings, you call the shots. Having money puts you in a different place when it comes to having a sense of authority and influence in the world. However, having this kind of power does not necessarily mean that you have good self-esteem or are getting the love you want. And money is only power if you know how to harness that power and use it in the world.

Having power offers you a freedom of choice and a sense of autonomy and potency in the world. It puts you at the table when choices are being made; it gives you the opportunity to be in a position of being a decision maker and a leader. You have a say in the things that matter to you. A person who has power gains the recognition and respect of the community, whether that person is a corporate captain, a community organizer, teacher, or spiritual leader. By unlocking your Affluence Intelligence, you can have a significant impact and influence on matters that are important to you.

Howard, the electronics dealer who was a local celebrity, was recognized wherever he went in his hometown, and people were eager to hear what he had to say. The way he exercised his power was to offer leadership at local events that brought the community together for the underserved. Whether or not he chose to exercise his power, he took pleasure and security in just knowing that he had it.

Numerous studies have shown a worldwide three-generation phenomenon: Created wealth will be gone within three generations more than 80 percent of the time! Howard, for example, was concerned about the impact of the family wealth on his children and grandchildren—he did not want them to go adrift, with no sense of self or purpose.

But even people like David, who have earned their money, can feel that they are living fractured lives because they have become disconnected from what they know to be important and true.

You are not affluent if you are financially rich but feel, at the end of the day, that all the money you have amassed means nothing because some core part of your life is missing or has been forgotten. Instead, having Affluence Intelligence means knowing what is important to you, living in alignment with your core values, and having a sense of meaning and purpose. An indicator of what you value can be the amount of time you devote to those activities, people, or institutions that have meaning for you and give purpose to your life.

Time is its own kind of wealth. Managing your time effectively creates a rich and balanced life that goes far beyond simply making, saving, and spending money. More than just "having time," affluence means having a sense of agency, being in command of your time, and leading a life that is aligned with what you value most. How we spend our time in order to have a life rich in meaning and satisfaction changes as we age and as our core values evolve. In her twenties, Julie spent 80 percent of her free time in dance classes. She told us at that stage of her life, "I lived to dance." Her devotion to dance shifted when she was in her forties and was a mother of two young daughters, whom she adored and was passionate about parenting. She didn't stop loving dance, but now she gave it only 10 percent of her time.