I Only Want to Get Married Once

Sound familiar? It's always a shock when the magic evaporates. You sit there, reflecting back, thinking—how did it all go wrong? How did I not see his wandering eye? Her less than brilliant comments? What made me so blind? There's a reason your vision was impaired: it's called infatuation.

What Is Infatuation?

First of all, what is infatuation? Infatuation is that intense, almost chemical connection you feel with someone. It's sudden and often catches you off guard. It might smack you in the face with someone who wouldn't be good for you in the long run; yet nonetheless, against your will, you feel an attraction. When infatuated, suddenly you don't have an appetite and it's difficult to sleep. You find yourself making foolish choices, unable to think rationally.

According to Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, to infatuate is

1. to cause to be foolish, deprive of sound judgment;
2. to inspire with foolish or extravagant love or admiration.

Why is infatuation so foolish? Because it's not based on anything real; it's filled with illusion.

So why is infatuation so powerful? Because it touches on a deep human need: the need for connection. This book is all about how to get that true, lasting connection, which deepens with time—that which we call love. In order to get there, you need to know how to see through the illusion of infatuation.

There are a few elements common to infatuation. If you can learn to spot them, you'll be able to catch yourself before the "feeling" gets the best of you.

Effortless

The first element of infatuation is that it is effortless. This is one of the reasons it is so addictive. You don't have to work for it. Infatuation doesn't begin with a conscious decision such as "Oh, he's cute! And my parents would love him…I think I'll be infatuated with him" (though life would be much easier if it worked that way). No, infatuation sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Strangely enough, it is often with the guy or girl that your parents wouldn't like. As a matter of fact, sometimes, you don't even like the person you are infatuated with. Ever think about that one?

There are many theories as to why you might be attracted to a particular person. Is it just desire?  Is it, perhaps, because the person you're attracted to enhances your self-esteem or self image?  Is it, as Dr. Harville Hendrix writes in his book Getting the Love You Want, that you have some unfinished business from your childhood, which seems to correlate to the personality and/or issues of the person you like?2 Whatever the case, it is clear that you can even have feelings of attraction for someone you don't like; for someone you don't respect; for someone you don't want to have chemistry with. Yet, the feelings are so strong and compelling that it's hard to walk away.

Image Oriented

Infatuation is very image oriented. When infatuated, you get caught up in who you think the person is, or more precisely, who you want him or her to be. The spell is often broken when you learn more about the person. But until then, you are able to remain in a state of ecstasy, or perhaps one should say, imagined ecstasy.

Temporary

Infatuation is simply short-lived. Erich Fromm makes this point very clear in his book The Art of Loving:

How long might infatuation last? An hour? A day? (Sometimes it lasts until the object of your infatuation opens his or her mouth.) Some social scientists say six to eighteen months. According to Helen Fisher in her book Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Adultery, Monogamy and Divorce, "Alas, infatuation fades…At some point, that…magic wanes. Yet there does seem to be a general length to this condition. Psychologist Dorothy Tennov measured the duration of romantic love, from the moment infatuation hit to when a 'feeling of neutrality' for one's love object began. She concluded, 'The most frequent interval, as well as the average, is between approximately 18 months and three years.'"4

Fisher also draws a parallel between this three-year max and the common year couples divorce. She says, "Hoping to get some insight into the nature of divorce, I turned to the demographic yearbooks of the United Nations. Divorce generally occurs early in marriage—peaking in or around the fourth year after the wedding—followed by a gradual decline in divorce as more years of marriage go by."5 She notes, interestingly, that the American divorce peak is somewhat lower than this four-year peak. It may be connected to our American "instant gratification" society. But whatever the reason, it is clear that infatuation has proven itself to be a weak and undependable element in assessing the potential of a relationship.

Controlled by Imagination

A fourth element of infatuation is the unleashing of the imagination through obsessive daydreams and fantasies. You find yourself replaying pictures and scenes in your head. The daydreams are often about someone unattainable. Some people experience a fantastical roller-coaster ride. It feels really good. But it also feels scary to be out of touch with reality. The fantasies take over and you become aware that you've left reality behind. And that is precisely one of the prices you pay for infatuation: you're not controlling your imagination; your imagination is controlling you. At moments such as these, people almost feel enslaved. This struggle of infatuation is the theme of many songs in popular culture. A few examples are Beyoncé's "Crazy In Love," Kelly Clarkson's "Addicted," and Maroon 5's song, which is actually called "Infatuation." The themes of these songs and so many others are:

•  feeling and acting like a fool 
• the "spinning out of control" of your fantasies and thoughts 
• the feeling of "I'm not being me…," almost as if you were possessed 
• the inability to see the object of your infatuation for who he or she is 
• the realization that in order to grow, you have to give up the object of your infatuation