Happy Campers

Foreword

I never expected that I’d become such a big fan of the camping experience. I didn’t grow up going to camp, and I didn’t know kids who went. I’m a mom to three boys, and I didn’t intend to let any of them be away from me for any extended period of time during their childhood. It took some research, a big leap of faith, and some self-soothing skills before I could even seriously consider it. It helped, too, to have several conversations with a trusted, respected, dear friend who had grown up going to camp in the north woods of Minnesota each summer, and who eventually went on to be a counselor and even a camp director. As he talked about how his summers at camp had impacted who he became as a man and father, my resistance shifted to openness. The final nudge I needed to move from openness to investment came from this same friend, as he revealed that when he faces setbacks, heartbreak, or other adversity in his life, he has a deep knowing that he can handle anything because of the strength he grew by weathering the challenges of his wilderness trips at camp.

So I let my boys go—initially for two weeks at a time. It felt excruciating that first summer. But each summer as they came home, I easily observed the rapid and dramatic benefits of camp in them, as they showed more independence, confidence, flexibility, resilience, character, grit, and responsibility. And even as part of me hated letting them go, it thrilled me to know that they were in nature, that they were playing, that they were away from screens, and that they were having the time of their lives, even though they occasionally felt homesick or faced some challenges. What’s more, I came to see that it wasn’t just these experiences or environment that made a difference, but it was also the relationships and connections that the staff made with my children by encouraging them, amplifying positive moments, supporting them as they struggled, and evoking the curiosity and courage that changed them.

Fairly quickly, then, I moved from being an anxious mom—my son’s camp director that first summer can attest to that—to a cheerleader for the camping experience. I began to write and speak about the importance of camp, and I met more and more of the amazing camp directors all over the United States and the world.

One of those people was Audrey Monke, and when I met her, I knew she was someone special. It’s a rare thing to find someone who is not only a ninja when it comes to successfully and positively working with kids through any kind of issue that comes up, but who also knows the science of child development and child-rearing, and who can be authentic and practical when advising parents. Audrey sees challenges with kids as welcome opportunities. She is gifted—grounded, creative, and informed—and she approaches these struggles as invitations to build skills so that kids come out stronger and more resilient on the other side. She helps her staff and parents find the caregiver’s sweet spot—where kids are supported enough to tolerate the challenge in front of them, but still empowered to become competent, confident, and resilient problem-solvers who valuably contribute to the world.

In writing this book, Audrey offers powerful and practical advice, which she has gleaned from working with thousands of kids and by guiding numerous counselors in developing relationships with, and encouraging growth in, the children they serve.

The abilities kids need to be successful are often things that parents recognize automatically. But sometimes we need help to recognize what we’re doing right and to see the impact of our investment. Audrey helps illuminate the building blocks of development that happen in our everyday interactions, and in the “Bringing Camp Home” section at the end of each chapter, she helps us become more intentional by giving us strategies to make our family time transformative, as development unfolds.

What Audrey is doing here is so important. As a child development specialist with expertise in mental health and interpersonal neurobiology, I’ve spent a lot of time considering how camp experiences influence brain development, particularly the middle prefrontal cortex (the MPFC, which is right behind the forehead and eye sockets and is the frontmost part of the frontal lobe). The MPFC gives us the ability to do all kinds of crucial things: regulate our body and emotions, have insight into ourselves and others, feel empathy, communicate in an attuned way, bounce back after failure, adapt to new situations, make thoughtful choices, and overcome fear. That’s pretty much what’s needed for a successful life with good emotional and mental health, meaningful relationships, and the conscientiousness to make things happen in the world. And the good news is that since it is the last part of the brain to finish development, it’s the most open to the influence of experiences and relationships throughout childhood and adolescence and even young adulthood. So parenting and life experiences don’t just influence kids’ minds—or character, or help them feel more confident—they actually change the structure of their brains.

When I say that experience changes the brain, I mean the actual activation and wiring of the brain. Particularly when experiences are emotional, novel, and challenging, they literally alter the architecture of the brain. Like a muscle, when it’s used, it grows and strengthens. So when kids have camp experiences that require them to overcome fear, be flexible, handle their emotions (especially away from their parents), be persistent to master something, build relationships, and so on, it builds this important part of the brain, the MPFC.

What’s more, when the structure of the brain changes, so does the function of the brain. This means that camp is one place that can play a role in how our kids function in the world, and ultimately who they become as adults, even on a neuronal level.

The way I like to say it is that bunks are good for brains. Quality camps—those that are intentional about all facets of the camper experience and how they choose and train their counselors—inherently provide the kinds of experiences that activate and build this character part of the brain. That’s why we can see significant changes in kids who have camp as part of their lives. When kids have experiences that challenge them emotionally, when they’re given opportunities to make friends that are outside their typical circles, when they have to keep working at a skill to achieve mastery—these kinds of experiences change the connections in the brain regarding kids’ capacity for persistence, how they see themselves, and how healthy they can be, both emotionally and relationally. This is the magic and the science of camp experiences.

Whether your kids go to camp or not, Happy Campers is a guidebook to bring some of that magic and science of camp home. As parents, the way we create family rituals and traditions and the way we create a rhythm of daily life for and with our children are experiences that impact how their brains get wired, what kinds of skills are built and become automatic, and ultimately who they become.

Audrey distills decades of wisdom that we can readily use to make changes in ourselves, in the way we interact, and in our home environments, so that we bring out the best in our kids and help them build skills at the same time. She humbly calls her strategies “positive psychological interventions for children,” and they are that, but they are more. With each chapter focusing on a social or an emotional skill area, character trait, or parenting practice, her recommendations offer a path to cultivate the most important life skills kids need, like self-advocacy, resilience, optimism, problem-solving, endurance, kindness, social intelligence, empathy, and independence—all of which are essential for success, mental health, and a happy life.

Our need to be connected to each other has been wired into our brains since the earliest of days. Our brain and nervous systems are automatically, instinctually primed to value, seek, and find reward in our connections to others because, at the most primitive level, it increases our odds of survival. And even though there are so many distractions and obstacles to connection in our modern lives, it turns out that this primitive need is as essential as it ever was. In fact, across many decades of research from many fields, we see that it is the quality and degree of relationships we have that significantly impact our well-being, including our mental health, our physical health, and even our happiness. We also know from decades and decades of research that the quality of the relationships with our first loves, our parents or caregivers, is one of the most important influences on who we become and how we turn out. These relational experiences have a dramatic influence on how our brains get wired and what becomes automatic in how we function in the world and in our relationships.

Certainly, there are many factors outside of parents’ influence. Genetics, environment, peers, life events, experiences, and many other variables impact development and how the brain wires as development unfolds. But the science is also very clear that parents matter. The quality of the relationships we have with our children—what we do and how we are with our children—matters very much. So when we devote ourselves to connecting in more effective, fun, and deeper ways with our children, we not only become the recipients of the tremendous joy of having strong relationships with our children, but we are investing in their development as well. This book helps us do just that.

Parents are now privy to many gems of wisdom from Audrey’s many years of intentionally fostering the best outcomes for kids at camp. In a time when our lives are often structured in ways that hinder connection within our families, I’m thrilled that Happy Campers—full of practical and powerful tools that can be immediately put into practice—lights a path to help parents nurture a culture of connection in our homes so that we can all keep working together to help our children become their best selves.

Tina Payne Bryson, PhD, LCSW