What You Don't Know About Turning 50

Chapter 1

Romance and Sex

Q: If women reach their sexual peak at age 40, when do men reach their sexual peak?

A: During Baywatch.

Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young, sexy men who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: Losing one’s virginity can be exhilarating, terrifying, and painful, but ultimately a big relief. Is there a similar experience for 50-year-olds?

A: Yes: passing a kidney stone.

Q: A lot of pro basketball players have shaved their heads. Doesn’t that prove that baldness is sexy?

A: Absolutely—and its effect on women may be intensified if you’re also under 30, over 6-feet-6, incredibly athletic, and wealthier than many Eastern European nations.

Q: What sort of people show up at a mixer for singles over 50?

A: People over 60.

Q: What’s the most insulting word to describe a 50-year-old man’s flirtations?

A: Harmless.

Q: When you’re 50, is there a large mental component to sex?

A: Yes, especially if your sex life consists mostly of fond memories.

Q: What do men and women over 50 do to get down and dirty?

A: They take up gardening.

Q: Do 50-year-old men ever get “the seven-year itch”?

A: Yes, but there are many effective medications available over the counter.

Q: Why is a failed romance more painful for people over 50?

A: You wake up with an aching heart and an aching back.

Q: Can a 50-year-old woman be a femme fatale?

A: Yes, if she marries an 80-year-old man with a heart condition.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you’re done, you’ll have a place to live.