3650 Jokes, Puns, and Riddles

Copyright © 1990, 1991, 1992, 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 1997, 1998 by Workman
Originally published by Workman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher.

Published by
Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers, Inc.
151 West 19th Street
New York, NY 10011

Distributed by
Workman Publishing Company 708 Broadway
New York, NY 10003

Designed by Sabrina Bowers

Manufactured in the United States of America

ISBN 1-57912-087-3

h g f e d c b a

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HIGH TECHNOLOGY

Man’s struggles with clocks, etc.

General: Why hasn’t this rocket been shot into space yet?

Scientist: The crew is on its launch break.

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?

Rocket.

Rinky: Did you near NASA’s planning to put 500 cows into orbit?

Dinky: Yeah, it’ll be the herd shot round the world.

What did the baby light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.

Systems analyst: It’s time you upgraded your computer network.

Business manager: Oh, we can’t get rid of this computer.

Systems analyst: With a new system, your operation will be faster. Why would you want to keep this old computer?

Business manager: It knows too much.

What does a baby computer call its father?

Data.

Critic: You say your new play is about launching rockets into space?

Author: Yes. And it uses three stages.

Why was the overstuffed mattress so happy?

It was time for spring training.

Mike: What do you get if you cross an automobile with a kangaroo?

Spike: A car that jump starts itself.

Why was Ms. Mattress so happy?

She was going to be a spring bride.

Mr. Lightbulb: Why are you going to see a doctor?

Mrs. Lightbulb: Because I keep having hot flashes.

What do you get if you cross a timepiece with a false friend?

A clock that is two-faced.

Nick: What do you get if you cross a camera with a firefly?

Rick: A shutterbug with a built-in flash.

What did the mommy train say to the little train at the dinner table?

Chew! Chew!

Little watch: Mom, I need your help right now to wash my face.

Mother watch: Wait a minute. I only have two hands.

Why should you never invite a watch to dinner?

They always ask for second helpings.

Computer teacher: Why are you bringing cheese into the computer room?

Little boy: You told me I was going to work with a mouse today.

Why did the telephone run away from home?

It wanted to join a three-ring circus.

Customer: My watch only runs every other day.

Salesman: It was probably made by a part-time employee.

Show me a small clock made by an old witch...and I’ll show you a time hex watch.

Scientist: Where do you find the nerdiest place in outer space?

Astronaut: On the dork side of the moon.

What do you call a person who organizes car pools into the city?

A commuter programmer.

Engineer: It’s a major breakthrough! A wheel-less, motorless, crash-proof automobile! Just one little problem left to iron out.

Executive: Which is...

Engineer: It won’t move!

How do you slow down a speeding computer?

Use the disk brakes.

Captain Kirk: What’s wrong with the engine of the Enterprise? It keeps knocking.

Mr. Scott: I need to change the spock plugs, Captain.

What do you get if you cross a grocery clerk with a scientist?

Market research.

Hal: I just invented a talking wristwatch that tells time and jokes.

Cal: Does it really work?

Hal: Of course. It’s a laugh a minute!

Why don’t fish go near computers?

They’re afraid of getting caught in the internet.

Reporter: What’s it like to be an astronaut?

Astronaut: It’s a little weird. It’s the only job in the world where you get fired before you go to work.

What is the favorite song of all electrical engineers?

Ohm on the Range.

Grandfather Clock: It’s now 3:00.

Alarm Clock: You’re wrong. It’s 3:30.

Grandfather Clock: Don’t tock back to me, young fella.

What did one important electrode say to the other?

Hey! Let’s do a power lunch sometime soon.

Danny: What would you call a wristwatch worn in the 24th century?

Manny: Future-wrist-tick.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

Office manager: I’m calling to complain about that Titanic computer you just installed here today.

Computer salesman: I don’t know what you mean—I didn’t sell you something called a Titanic.

Office manager: Oh, yeah? Well, it just went down!

What’s a computer’s favorite kind of cookie?

Chocolate chip.

Moe: I understand there might be a lot of computer problems in the year 2000.

Joe: True. But I’m not in the least bit worried about that. Moe: Why not?

Joe: I don’t own a computer.

Latest computer best-sellers

A Tale of Two CDs

Gates of Wrath

Gone with the Windows

War and PC

Moby Disk

Girl: My cat is so smart he has his own computer.

Boy: Does he use it much?

Girl: Yes. He’s always playing with the mouse.

How do you make a car smile?

Take it on a joy ride.

Customer: If I buy a TV, do I get a free clicker with it?

Salesman: There’s a remote possibility.

What do you get if you cross Ma Bell with a royal boy bee?

A touch drone phone.

Little girl: Scientists who launch rockets into space must be very intelligent.

Little boy: I don’t think they’re that smart. They can’t even count correctly. They always get the numbers backwards.

What do you get if you cross a turnpike tollbooth with a clock?

A ticket tocker.

Silversmith:: What can I do for you?

Inventor: I made a new type of round cooking pot, but I haven’t figured out a way to pick it up.

Silversmith: I’m sure it’s a problem we can handle.

Where does a computer whiz keep his accounts?

In a data bank.

Al: I’ve invented the best automobile lubricant in the world. It’s truly terrific.

Cal: What do you call it?

Al: Amazing Grease.

Which western hero was created in a science lab?

The Clone Ranger.

Reporter: What’s the first thing you need to split an atom?

Scientist: A fission license.

Why did the android go to a psychologist?

He thought he was having a metal breakdown.

Fred: I heard you dropped out of computer school.

Ed: Yeah. I just couldn’t hack the program.

How do you season a computer?

Use cyberspice

Customer: Every time I put a tape in my VCR the audio sounds scratchy.

Repairman: Maybe it has head lice.

What kind of snacks do computers munch?

Microchips.

Reporter: So, this year you’ll be cracking down on illegal computer activities.

Federal Agent: Yes. We’ll be taking a big byte out of crime.

What did the big floor lamp say to the little night-light?

“Wire you insulate?”

Inventor: I’ve got a great new invention that’s ready to be patented just as soon as I work out one small problem. It’s a lawn mower that actually flies!

Investor: But how can it cut the grass if it’s flying?

Inventor: That’s the small problem!

What happened when the Macintosh married the Epson?

They had a little laptop.

Rose: I just got one of those new washing machines that talks!

Violet: I’m holding out for the next model.

Rose: What next model?

Violet: The one that tells you what it did with the other sock!

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WORD PLAY & RIDDLES

Twisting language to suit your comedy needs

Plumber: I can’t finish putting in your bathroom fixtures until next month.

Homeowner: Now that’s a shower stall if I ever heard one.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with test papers?

Eggsams.

Mechanic: Would you like me to winterize your car?

Tom: First summerize the cost.

A professional treasure hunter was diving for pirate treasure in an ocean cove. He searched for hours without any success. Finally he started toward the shore. When he was about knee deep in water he stumbled across an old strongbox. He scooped it out of the sea and yanked open the lid. The box was full of gold coins. “Well, what do you know,” exclaimed the happy treasure hunter. “It just goes to prove that booty is only shin deep.”

Nick: Did you hear the joke about the three deep holes drilled in the ground?

Rick: No, I didn’t.

Nick: Well, well, well.

What do you get if you cross a memory expert and a conductor?

A person who never loses his train of thought.

Mary: I’d like to buy some goose feathers.

Brenda: Can you afford the down payment?

What did the jack say to the car?

Hey! I know you’re in a rush, so don’t let me hold you up.

Tailor: Would you like me to rent you a tuxedo, sir?

Customer: That’ll suit me fine.

What did Mr. Fog say to Ms. Mist?

Let’s dew lunch sometime.

Inspector: Why is that skyscraper sneezing?

Foreman: Maybe it has a building code.

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

A stick.

Anne: I crossed a talking bird with a clock.

Susan: Why did you do that?

Anne: I want to study polly-ticks.

What do you get when you cross an abalone and a crocodile?

You get a crockabaloney.

Sean: What did the Irish farmer say to his son when they went into the garden?

Pat: Hoe Danny Boy!

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a saint?

An animal that has a pocketful of miracles.

Teacher: George, what’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?

George: I don’t know, and I don’t care!

How do you drive a baby buggy?

Tickle its feet!

Poet: How are things?

Tailor: Sew-sew. How about you?

Poet: Could be verse!

What is made of wood but can’t be sawed?

Sawdust.

Sue: There’s one word you always pronounce wrong.

Stu: What word is that?

Sue: Wrong.

How is a potato farmer like a baseball fan?

One yanks the roots; the other roots for the Yanks.

Boise: Is Helena Nome?

Montana: Idaho, Alaska.

Two army recruits are waiting in line to be inoculated. One turns to his pal and says: “Boy, what an outfit. We’ve only been in the army fifteen minutes and already we’re presenting arms!”

Beach: How ya dune?

Ocean: Just swell!

What’s the difference between a butcher and an insomniac?

One weighs a steak and the other stays awake.

Hokey: Do you file your nails?

Pokey: No, I throw them away.

What did Tennessee?

Same thing Arkansas.

Blair: I’ve got a bad case of snew.

Clair: What’s snew?

Blair: Not much. What’s snew with you.

Will February March?

No, but April May.

Farmer: Hey, neighbor—you can’t take your sheep home that way.

Neighbor: I was just taking a shortcut across your frozen pond. What’s wrong with that?

Farmer: Nobody pulls the wool over my ice.

When is a door not a door?

When it is a jar.

What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing a taxi.

Man: That’s a nice wooden figure you’ve carved, fella.

Youngster: Thanks. Everyone says I’m a good whittle boy.

Why are you crying old Mr. Shoelace, can’t you tie a bow?

No. I’m a frayed knot.

News Flash!

New bridge plan collapses due to lack of main stream support.

Cartoons: melodies to drive by

A boy opened his refrigerator and found a rabbit lounging in the butter dish.

Boy: What are you doing in there?

Rabbit: Isn’t this a Westinghouse?

Boy: As a matter of fact, it is.

Rabbit: Well, I’m westing!

What’s the difference between a teacher and a railroad conductor?

One trains the mind; the other minds the train.

What’s the difference between a racehorse and a duck?

One goes quick on its legs; the other goes quack on its eggs.

At the photographer’s studio:

Shutterbug: First we’ll shoot you, then we’ll blow you up, then you can go home and hang yourself.

What’s the difference between a king’s son, a monkey’s mother, a bald head, and an orphan?

One’s an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.

Attention weathercasters!

Wanted—a sunny forecast for the weekend. Don’t try to cloud the issue!

How is the cop on the street like a bad architect?

They both have fallen arches.

Cannibal: Shall I boil the new missionary?

Chief: No, he’s a friar.

What’s the difference between a counterfeit bill and an irate rabbit?

One’s bad money; the other’s a mad bunny.

Tourist: Do you think the Seine will overflow with all these spring rains?

Guide: Do not worry, Monsieur. In France the water is always l’eau.

Why should you never tell secrets in the Rockies?

Because of the mountaineers.

George: Our new neighbor’s getting to be a real pest. Martha: Didn’t you lend him your rake?

George: Yes, but he just came back for mower.

A rather innocent young man wandered into the wrong kind of massage parlor one day. He was ready to leave immediately but curiosity kept him glued to the floor, taking in all he could see. Finally the manager approached him, saying “Excuse me, sir—are you a member of this club?”

“Oh, no,” said the young man, “I’m just aghast.”

Best-sellers we’d like to see

“Secrets of the F.B.I.,” by Isadore Shut.

“Court Cases,” by Nita Lawyer.

“Planning a Surprise Party,” by Al B. Darn.

“The History of Rock and Roll” by Tristan Shout.

“Are You a Liar?,” by I.M. Knott.

“How to Lose Weight,” by X. R. Sizemore.

“Burglary Made Easy,” by Jimmy DeLox.

“Counterfeiting Exposé,” by E. Z. Money.

Why is a bulldog like an auctioneer?

They both look for bidding.

Ebenezer: They finally got rid of that ghost over at the old Cabot place.

Jedediah: Yep—caught him haunting without a license.

Vampire: Let’s do the town tonight.

Mummy: I can’t. I’m pressed for time.

What did the island-gobbling sea monster say?

These islands aren’t philipine me up; I want samoa tahiti!

Why did Zorro engage in so many sword fights?

He was leading a duel life.

What did one bumper car say to the other?

May I have the next dents?

Anne: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Fannie: No eye deer.

Annie: What do you call a plaster deer with no eyes?

Fannie: Still no eye deer.

Annie: What do you call a plaster deer with no eyes and a hole in its sock?

Fannie: Still no darn eye deer.

Why does Santa Claus always go down the chimney?

He’ll only do what soots him.

What did the jar of paste do on January 1st?

It made a Glue Year’s Resolution.

What has four wheels, two claws, and a meter?

A taxi crab driver.

Postcard From Over the Edge

Dear Lorraine,

Yipes! I was Lyon around in the sun Toulon and got a bad Berne! But I won’t let it Rouen my vacation. Getting ready to Chartres a Tours of the coast.

Au revoir,

Nancy

Al: What do you get if you cross a razor with a rifle?

Cal: A sharpshooter.

What kind of truck does a road hog drive?

An 18-squealer.

Gina: What do you get if you cross toothpaste with a newlywed woman?

Tina: A brushing bride.

What car is parked in the tower of a famous Paris cathedral?

The Hatchback of Notre Dame.

Ryan: Who are the toughest bugs in Scotland?

Sean: The Kilter Bees.

Why did the homeowner buy the new economy lawn mower?

It got good grass mileage.

Monster: Why are you so depressed today?

Ghost: It’s a boo Monday.

What did the audio man say to the movie producer after his work was completed?

Sound check please.

Ed: My car engine sounds cold.

Fred: Maybe you have it in frost gear.

What did the farmer say to his compost pile?

Thank you very mulch.

Ed: My car is getting too old to run smoothly.

Ned: Maybe you should retire it.

How can you tell the difference between our legal system and a skating rink?

One is justice; the other’s just ice.

Nel: Did you hear the riddle about the front door?

Mel: No, but I bet it’s a knock-knock joke.

Why was Mr. B.B. Gun so happy?

Because his wife just had a B.B. boy.

Private: Hey, Sarge! Where do baby soldiers get their basic training?

Sarge: At bootie camp.

What’s covered with soot and performs in silence?

A coal mime.

Hillary: What do you get if you cross a softball pitcher with a parrot and a clock?

Bubba: Underhanded polly-ticks.

Which officer is the butt of a lot of sailor jokes?

The rear admiral.

Rick: How did you get out of that camping supply store so fast? The checkout lines were really long.

Nick: I used the express lane for tent items.

What goes drip! drop! instead of tick! tock!?

A flood watch.

Anne: Why are all the cars honking their horns?

Charlie: It’s Beep Year!

Why did the witch go out into the desert?

She wanted to try out some dry spells.

Tom: What does a bald artist use on his head?

Kevin: An air brush.

How do sailors get clean?

They throw themselves overboard and wash up on the beach.

Customer: I’m in the market for an exotic pet.

Pet shop owner: I recommend the mongoose. Loyal, cuddly, and a great help if you have a snake problem.

Customer: Terrific! I’ll take two mongeese...uh, make that two mongooses...oh, heck, I’ll just take one mongoose, and while you’re at it, give me another one.

What’s the difference between geography and biography?

Geography’s about maps; Biography’s about chaps.

Eb: I just built a bungalow.

Flo: You mean a tiny little house?

Eb: Not really—the builder bungled it and I still owe!

What’s the difference between a cardboard paper towel roll and a Dutch comedian?

One’s a hollow cylinder; the other’s a silly Hollander.

Ted: My wife’s taking a trip to the West Indies.

Fred: Jamaica?

Ted: Not at all, she wanted to go.