Hey, I Love You

Happily Ever After.

That’s the hope, right? To have a relationship that is untested, with hearts fully vested from the moment we say, “I do.” We all want the romance we’re promised in fairy tales, wedding magazines, and on the perma-grins of wedding-cake toppers. Each of us dreams of finding a partner who really understands us and challenges us to become our better selves. And despite a lot of us being the children of divorce, the devoted friends of divorcées, and perhaps even divorced once or twice ourselves, we still hold fast to the notion of everlasting love.

So can anyone hold the golden ticket to a golden anniversary? What exactly is it that makes some marriages not just survive, but thrive? After twenty-five years of getting it woefully wrong and wonderfully right in my own marriage, and listening to the stories of hearts around the globe, I can assure you that “Happily Ever After” is possible. It’s even probable. As long as you’re willing to do a little work.

This book is meant to help you communicate well, from your wedding day forward. I’ve tried to include everything that needs to be said in the course of a lifelong relationship, along with some practical wisdom for you to consider. I hope you find it so useful that the pages become yellowed and loose from years of heartfelt exchanges. Here’s to marriage, and to making it remarkable!

How to Use This Book.

This book is a conversation. Pass it between you like a never-ending love letter. It’s for all the things in your marriage that need to be said, or unsaid, or that simply aren’t said often enough.

Don’t worry. It’s impossible to mess this up!

Under the front cover, you’ll find a bookmark. Just mark a page, then leave the book in a surprising place for your partner to discover. Have fun with it! I’ve hidden it in my husband’s sock drawer, leaned it against his coffee mug, and even buried it in a pile of laundry.

The sentiments are indexed and tabbed into categories to make it easy to find the words you’re looking for. But in case you don’t, I’ve included some blank pages to write your own.

Send a romantic message, deliver words of encouragement, work through a disagreement, apologize, or offer emotional support. You’ll find anything is easier to say when it begins with “Hey, I Love You…”

How to respond? However you like! A laugh, a hug, or just being available to talk are all constructive ways to connect more deeply. Tuck the bookmark back in its pocket, or use it to deliver your heartfelt message in return. The words and actions you choose create the next page in your love story.

Love & Marriage.

Love is usually described as some kind of accident. We fall into it. We are struck by it. Blindsided by it. Shot in the heart by the arrow of a mischievous cherub in the name of it. The great love stories usually contain an element of fate or destiny. A blind date. A chance encounter. Some statistical improbability of ever having even met. Love, if we’re lucky, is a “thing” that happens to us. It’s a feeling. It’s a noun.

But what about marriage? How is marriage any different than love? I propose that marriage is a verb. It’s an action. Something you do. It’s to promise. Honor. Appreciate. Communicate. Understand. Encourage. Forgive. A truly great marriage isn’t something that’s a given. It’s something that’s made.

The Ten Things.

You know what would have been the most amazing wedding gift? A little white envelope. No, not even an envelope full of crisp hundreds! Just an envelope containing a handwritten list of ten things we could do to make our marriage remarkable. Admittedly, we probably would have tucked it away with all the other wedding cards, believing there would never come a day when we would need to work at being in love. But then one day, just as we’d be going adrift, we would rediscover the list of ten things and it would guide us home. Here’s what I wish was on that list…

1. Never Stop Trying to Be the One.

Do you remember the moment you knew your spouse was the One? For some people, it’s love at first sight. They just know. For others, it’s a longer journey. My husband says that the first time he saw me, everything suddenly seemed different. He remembers the smallest of details about that moment. For me, though, love grew faithfully and slowly. He pursued me without smothering me, which I liked. When I was feeling overwhelmed or sad, he kept showing up for me. He made me laugh, he listened, and he made me feel beautiful.

One afternoon, we were walking through North Beach in San Francisco. My stomach was tied up in knots because of a project at work. To my shock and embarrassment, I suddenly had to drop to my knees in the street and throw up. Now, most single guys would hightail it out of there at this point. But instead, he knelt beside me, held my hair back, and caressed my shoulders. That was the unglamorous moment that

I knew he was the One! Through the ups and downs of life, he would be right by my side. I know a gentleman who has been bringing home flowers to his wife every single day of his marriage. He began doing it when they were dating and he never stopped. But it isn’t really about the flowers, is it? It’s about the effort he puts into his marriage, every single day. Everyone loves to feel pursued. No matter how many years you’ve been in a relationship, if you keep trying to be the One, then chances are pretty good that you will keep being the One. Your spouse’s affection is directly correlated to your effort. So why hold anything back?

2. Honor Each Other’s Solitude.

Have you ever noticed while walking through the woods, that there’s a natural distance between the trees? That’s because all living things need space in order to thrive. If not, they overshadow one another trying to compete for the same light. In marriage, giving each other space allows each of you to find your light and grow stronger.

Over the years, I’ve come to believe that a certain amount of solitude is paramount to a healthy relationship. Because it’s way too easy to become consumed by our partner’s needs, or to smother them with our own! But when we are honoring each other’s solitude, we are being mindful of each other’s well-being. Naturally, we become more caring and giving. We learn to recognize when our partner isn’t at their best, and respond with patience, protection, and the comfort of unwavering love. The urge to overshadow one another disappears.