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Everything Is Just Fine
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By Brett Paesel
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This item is a preorder. Your payment method will be charged immediately, and the product is expected to ship on or around April 9, 2019. This date is subject to change due to shipping delays beyond our control.
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Excerpt
It takes more courage to examine the dark corners of your own soul than it does for a soldier to fight on the battlefield.
âWilliam Butler Yeats
Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose.
âYoda
Losing is only ever your third option!
âCoach Randy
Monday, November 8, 5 p.m.
THE SMACK OF A WAVE hitting the beach, loosening rocks as it recedes. As if to drag somethingâanythingâback with it. A smooth stone. A crab. A bottle cap. Coach Randy stands on the shore. Not too close, because itâs insanely cold. He bounces up and down a bit and forces himself to contemplate the bigger picture. He read somewhereâor maybe it was in a movieâthat there is freedom in understanding how insignificant you are in the universe. He closes his eyes and concentrates on his insignificance. But no dice. In seconds, his mind is dragged back to the unholy mess heâs made of the past few months. He is the stone, the crab, the bottle cap.
Would he be standing on the beach today, alone, if he had made a handful of other choices? How would someone who is not him have handled everything differently? What would Yoda say?
Goddamn itâs cold and windy and getting dark. Not ideal conditions for making a big, life-changing decision. He bends down to pick up a rock and tosses it into the ocean. Watches the waves for a minute, rubbing his hands together.
Enough of this. He straightens up and drops his hands to his sides. No more stalling. He pivots, the rocks crunching beneath his feet, and marches to his car. There are moments that define every manâs life, and this is the moment Randy Tinker will be remembered for.
CHAPTER 1
From: FavoriteCoach@gmail.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:33 pm
Subject: Note from your favorite coach! (kidding)
Dear Parents and athletes:
Hi from Coach Randy! I hope you all enjoyed your last free Saturday before the season begins next week. For those of you who missed the âmeet and greetâ last Sunday, you didnât miss a thing. Iâm joking, seriously you missed a lot. First off, youâll have to get your uniform from Jacqui, our Team Mom who worked side by side with me last year. She always wears a visor and is only about 4â11â. I hope that doesnât offend you Jacqui! Kidding, I know her and she wonât mind!! Anyway, you canât miss her, she also carries a huge bag. Thatâs where sheâll have the uniforms and stuff you never even knew you needed!
It looks like we have a mixed group of talent and experience this season (some total beginners up to a superstar or two), which is what the Beverly Hills Jr. Soccer league is all about. Remember everyone playsâabsolutely everyone, even if you donât like it and itâs your just your mom or dad who signed you up! This will be my third year coaching and experience tells me that itâs the most reluctant players who get the most out of it in the end. Just ask my own kid, he canât wait to get on the field now.
OK, letâs do this!
If you missed the âmeet and greetâ you might not know that we need a team name that starts with the letter âMâ. I was hoping not to get âMâ because kids always want to start the team name with the word âMagicâ⊠something, Like Magic Ninjas, and, if you know me, you know I donât believe in magic, just hard work, passing, playing your position, and listening to me, your assistant coach (still finding one), and our private skills coach, Al (or Alejandro, as he also likes to be called)recruited and paid for by some of the dads to keep us sharp.
I donât want to go on too much here, and seriously would not have to if a whole third of you hadnât missed the âmeet and greetâ.
Oh, and, for those of you who were on my team last year, notice that Iâm not using my work e-mail anymore. You guys were cramming my inbox last season and, frankly, I shouldnât be doing team stuff at work anymore, right?
OK. This Saturday, 9:30 sharp, and be ready to play at 10:00.
Go M team!
Coach Randy
From: Mako@Shakrayoga.org
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:35 pm
Subject: Re: Note from your favorite coach! (kidding)
Hello team parents: If I had known the Meet and Greet was optional and not mandatory (like the invite said) I would have gone to my older sonâs academic pentathlon final. As it was, his team came in first and I missed it.
Sincerely,
Mako (Masonâs Mom)
Diane Platt snaps the lid of her laptop closed and takes another swig of wine. Isnât there some kind of regulation about getting the same coach twice in a row? Not that Randy is a bad guy. Itâs like T said last season, Randyâs simply over the top in ways that can exhaust a person.
She leans back in her chair and closes her eyes against the memories that threaten to stream through her mind at the mere thought of T. Eight months since the divorce, and sheâs still in a constant state of pining and regret. Beyond painful, itâs boring as hell.
She breathes in, opens her eyes, reaches for her glass, and raises the lid of the laptop. Thereâs no tonic like reading the inevitable stream of Reply Alls to make her feel a little less fucked up.
From: Visorgrl@mac.com
To: M Team list
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:47 pm
Subject: Snack sign-up
Hey team and parents,
Iâm Jacqui, the Team Mom. My son is Calvin and this is his second year playing so go easy on him. Iâm only kidding. Heâs pretty good. You all are. You ALL are superstars!
By now you got Coach Randyâs welcome e-mail. Iâm sorry I didnât meet all of you at the âmeet and greetâ, but thatâs OK, because we all have other stuff going on and I understand that. Speaking of which, please choose a day for snack sign up that works FOR YOU. Other Team Moms just sign people up without asking, but I like you to pick your own day so you donât feel stressed. Beverly Hills Jr. Soccer is all about fun. The first six games arenât even competitive, so you can really relax and not worry about your kid crying or hitting players on the other team out of some pretty understandable frustration.
I will have extra health forms in my bag. Diane and Mark, I need new health forms for your kids even though they played on our team last year. Also, for those of you who are new, I have extra sunscreen, water bottles, sanitizer, and a small first aid kit in my bag. Randy says that the kit isnât that small, but he doesnât realize how much stuff the other Team Momâs carry. Seriously, Iâm relaxed in comparison. Youâll get to know that!
Remember that weâre still looking for an assistant coach. So any of you Dads who have been dreaming of being a part of this season, Iâm talking to you! It could even be a mom, or someone between jobs, or a manny, or even a sibling whoâs not going to college right now and is looking for something to do. Nowâs the time to get involved. Itâll be the best thing youâve ever done.
Jacqui Hirshorn
Calvinâs Mom
From: Alejandro.Navaro@Pepperdine.edu
To: M Team list
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:53 pm
Subject: Re: Snack sign-up
Hello boys,
I look forward to working on your soccer skills.
Alejandro Navaro
From: Visorgrl@mac.com
To: M Team list
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:56 pm
Subject: Re: Snack sign-up
Hello Team M:
Seriously, Alejandro is being modest. Heâs not just working on your skillsâheâs the real deal and played professionally in Columbia before coming to our country to study Forensic Dentistry!
Heâs going to be a great asset to the team and the leagueâand to my son, Calvin, who looks up to you already, Alejandro! The boys loved wrestling you to the ground at the Meet and Greet. You are SO GREAT WITH KIDS!!! Calvin canât wait to ambush you again.
See you out there, Alejandro!
Gentle reminder: donât forget health forms and shoelace guards.
Jacqui Hirshorn
Calvinâs Mom
From: FavoriteCoach@gmail.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:55 pm
Subject: No fighting over numbers
Iâm sending a quick note about choosing your number. If you are picking up your uniform at the game, you do not get to choose. Choosing happened at the âmeet and greetâ. Now you get what you get, and thatâs it. Like my wife, Missy, says, âSoccer is a life lesson for our kids. We win or we lose, and we donât get everything we want, when we want it.â I could give you a list of things that I want and donât get, and Iâm still a happy guy!
By the way, Missy said to tell those of you who donât know that I am Aidenâs dad. He made all-star last year and is an asset to the team.
Another âby the wayâ: I like to write my e-mails to parents and kids as if you are all the team, because really you all areâwe canât do it without the parents! Itâs your choice about what e-mails you share with your kids or not!
Go Aiden and M Team!
Coach Randy
From: MSonnenklar@GSachs.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:57 pm
Subject: Re: No fighting over numbers
What numbers are left? Ben couldnât make it because it was his motherâs weekend and she forgot. He shouldnât be penalized.
M
From: MSonnenklar@GSachs.com
To: M Team list
sent Tues, Sept 7 3:57 pm
Subject: Re: Snack sign-up
Are we playing on the north field or the south? Please be clear this year.
M
From: Visorgrl@mac.com
To: M Team list
sent Tues, Sept 7 4:08 pm
Subject: Re: Snack sign-up
Thatâs a good point about the fields, Mark. Coach and I will try to tell you which field, WHEN we know which one it is. We donât always KNOW ahead of time. So itâs good to get there early anyway. This Saturday will be North.
The numbers that are left are 4, 5, 7, 10, 11, 13. The Wooâs already contacted me about getting the number 7 for luck. Which is easy enough. Mark, do you want 10 like last year? Ben did pretty well with 10.
Weâre still looking for that special dad (or Mom or older sibling whoâs looking for something meaningful to do) who wants to be assistant coach. You donât even have to go to the clinic. Coach Randy will get you up to speed.
Go Team M!
Jacqui Hirshorn
Calvinâs Mom
From: JWoo@DesignX.com
To: M Team list
sent Tues, Sept 7 4:14 pm
Subject: Re: Snack sign-up
Patrick would not be at the âmeet and greetâ for his violin concert. He can be early and will bring health forms. Also his idea for âMâ title.
Jung-ah Woo
From: FavoriteCoach@gmail.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 4:14 pm
Subject: Re: No fighting over numbers
Coach Randy, here. Iâm at work and donât have time to get into a big thing. I shouldnât even be on my personal e-mail, but Iâm just writing to say, thatâs enough! No more numbers will be reserved.
Coach Randy
From: MSonnenklar@GSachs.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 4:17 pm
Subject: Re: No fighting over numbers
Jacqui,
#10 is good for Ben.
Thanks for hanging onto it. Benâs mom will be coming early to pick up the uniform.
M
From: ParadiseB@gmail.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 4:19 pm
Subject: Re: No fighting over numbers
Hi, Iâm Dashiellâs mom. Did I miss something? I thought that we werenât allowed to reserve a number if we hadnât gone to the Meet and Greet. My apologies for not making it. My schedule changes all the time and I didnât want to send the Nanny because it was specifically about meeting and greeting!
Since it appears that people are going ahead and choosing numbers, may I request 5 for Dashiell because itâs a prime number. He loves primes.
Beth Paradis
Dianeâs hands hover over the keyboard. To jump into it or not? How can anyone give a serious fuck about jersey numbers?
She reaches for her wineglass. What she should do right now is get off the computer and not read any more e-mails. That would be the totally responsible, grown-up thing to do. She should pour her wine into the sink, get into some street clothes, and take a brisk power walk through the neighborhood. Then she should come home and read something intellectually stimulating before getting some tasty snacks ready for the kids when T drops them off tonight. Thatâs exactly what she should do.
She looks out the window at her possible power-walking path. The sidewalk running in front of neat lawns across the street. She gazes at the geometrically precise hedges that mark each lot. Then downs her wine.
From: DPlatt@ca.rr.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Tues, Sept 7 4:23 pm
Subject: Re: No fighting over numbers
Well, hell. What was the point of going to the Meet and Greet if everyone gets to choose their numbers anyway?
Joking. Iâm joking.
Diane
From: FavoriteCoach@gmail.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Fri, Sept 10 8:41 am
Subject: Letâs pump it up for the big day tomorrow
Hey M Team!!!
OK, I guess that number thing got handled. Whatever, I can bend. Sometimes you canât control everything. Jacqui, did you get all that about the numbers?
Itâs a good thing I donât have to handle the small stuff because Iâm totally a big picture guy. Iâm the guy with the vision that gets implemented. I mean, seriously, you should see my sundeck. It was just a dusty heap of nothing when we bought our place seven years ago, and now you canât get people off of that deck. Itâs like youâre on perpetual vacation out there, and it was totally my vision. Of course, hats off to my lovely other half, Missy, who drew up the design and had the idea for the stone fireplace in the middle. We went totally over budget, but when you are thinking about the rest of your life in front of that fireplace, you know you have to have it and you make it happen.
So the deck is like the team, and Iâve got a big-picture plan of how itâs going to look, but I need a Missy, or in this case, a Jacqui to actually implement it!
So, this is my big picture for tomorrow: We will get there early, get uniforms, pick our âMâ name, and get our heads in the right mindset to dominate.
Then Al will take us through drills, and if you want to pitch in for Alâs fee, see Jacqui. Itâs totally worth it. We had a Brazilian semi-pro helping us last year and made it to the tournament. We would have had Paco again this year if Dan Majors hadnât swiped him. As luck or fate, or whatever-you-call-it would have it, weâll be playing Danâs team for our second game this season. So thatâs one you might want to focus your voodoo energies on. Just kidding!
When your kid gets up tomorrow morning, I would like you to read the following poem that was read by Morgan Freeman in the movie about the South African Soccer team who took a mediocre group and won the world championship. Words inspire!!!!
âOut of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.â
âI could not say it better myself. Go Team!!! Remember! There is more to winning than plain luck.
Coach Randy
From: MSonnenklar@GSachs.com
To: Beverly Hills Orange 10 M
sent Fri, Sept 10 7:20 pm
Subject: Re: Letâs pump it up for the big day tomorrow
North field. Still. Right?
M
CHAPTER 2
COACH RANDY STANDS ON HIS deck wishing he were the kind of guy who smoked cigars. He should have a snifter of cognac too. That would complete the picture of a man at home, on his own deck in front of the outdoor fire pit, the sun sliding behind the row of trees that marks his property line, watching his younger wife play horseshoes on the recently mowed lawn with their ten-year-old son. But cigars make him nauseous. And cognac makes his throat burn so much that his eyes water and he looks like heâs crying. Instead, he has poured himself a glass of red wine from one of the leftover bottles in the kitchen. Make that two of the leftover bottles. He combined the remnants of both into one glass since no one was around to see him do it.
âMaybe Daddy wants to play,â Missy says loud enough for him to hear.
He twitches with annoyance, but checks it almost immediately. After all, he tells himself, the request is reasonable. Dads on decks should want to play with their sons in the yard. Especially so they can show their wives how great they are with kids and how athletic they are and, on top of that, how relaxed they can be when theyâre not thinking about work or the bills. He watches Missy bend over to pick up a horseshoe, her tight, pale thighs ducking into her shorts; her shiny straight hair swinging.
âBe right there,â he says, setting his glass on the blond wood railing that Missy first showed him in an issue of Dwell. Seeing the gleaming oak rail has an almost medicinal effect, dissolving vestiges of irritation at the base of his neck. Now smiling big, he hops down, ignores the twinge in his knees, and runs over to clap Aiden on his shoulder blades. âLet me show you how itâs done, son.â
âGreat,â says Missy, handing him her three horseshoes.
Randy stiffens. âI thought we were all playing.â
âI have to marinate pork.â
âNow?â he says, before he can soften his tone. He quickly tousles Aidenâs hair to keep it casual.
âIt takes three hours,â she says, and turns to go. âYou want to eat dinner at nine?â she adds over her shoulder, like itâs a preposterous thought and heâs an idiot for suggesting it. Randy looks down at Aiden, who peers back. Does the kid even want to play horseshoes? Randy sure as hell doesnât. He feels the moment when each of them could acknowledge this and do something else slip by.
God damn it. He keeps missing his moments. He used to be a moment-grabber. But now, because of work, not hitting his numbers, the reorganization, and because of Missy not touching him lately, heâs off his game.
He watches Aiden turn his head toward the tree line.
All right. Shake it loose. Randy tosses two of the horseshoes aside and brings one up to his face like itâs a mustache. Squinting his eyes and pulling his lip back over his top teeth, he says in his best Chinaman, âI am Mr. Fu. World horseshoe champion. I here to give you great secrets of the toss.â And bows.
Aiden turns and looks at him, bringing his hand up to shade his eyes.
âMr. Fuâs first secret: Keep wrist straight. Not floppy like that woman does.â He nods toward the house, then back at Aiden. âMr. Fu say, that woman your mother, yes? She very beautiful.â Aiden shifts his weight, smiling or squinting. Randy canât tell. âTell me, honorable young man. Your mother. She is single, yes?â
Aiden looks down at the ground and says, âThatâs so racist.â
Randy stares at the kid for a second, then drops his horseshoe mustache. âItâs just a joke.â He waits for Aiden to look up and give him a sign that he understands. But the kid only digs the toe of his shoe into the grass. âOkay. Okay. All I was trying to say was to keep your wrist straight as you toss.â He pulls back his shoe, keeps his wrist straight, and throws. It thuds onto the ground halfway to the stake. âHa. Not like that, right? But you get the idea.â He hands Aiden a horseshoe. âStraight wrist.â
Aiden narrows his eyes at the stake, pulls his arm back, and underhands the horseshoe high into the air above him like a leaden pop fly. He looks up, standing under the soaring horseshoe, unmoving.
Split-second, Randy sees the horseshoe crest. And reverse. He grabs Aiden by the arm. Jerks him backward as the iron shoe plummets to the ground, right where Aiden had been standing.
âWhat the hell?â Randy yells.
âYou said to keep my wrist straight!â Aiden screams back.
âYeah, but you threw it way up into the air. You werenât even throwing it at the stake.â
âYes I was!â
âAiden. The stake is way over there, for Christâs sake!â he yells, pointing.
Aiden balls his fists, screeching, âI donât even want to play this dumb game!â
âWell, neither do I!â Randy yells back. They face off, both breathing heavily. The boy glares at him, a bubble of snot inflating with each exhale, then disappearing on the inhale, only to blow up again. The kid is a mess. He needs a damn Kleenex. Randy kicks the horseshoes. âForget it, then,â he says. âWeâre not playing.â
âFine.â Aiden turns and runs into the house. The kitchen screen door slams.
Randy imagines the scene inside. Aiden burying his face in Missyâs lap. Should he go in? No. Thatâll make things worse. Itâll only result in more yelling, and he lets the thought go.
Instead, he goes over to the deck to retrieve his glass of wine, his pulse still jumping. He takes a sip. What the hell is it with Aiden? Randy bets that half the soccer team wishes he were their dad instead of the boring one they actually have. At the end of last yearâs season, kids came up to him crying and hugging. Giving him Starbucks gift cards. Thatâs how much they were going to miss him. His Mr. Fu routine would have gone over gangbusters with those kids. They would be falling all over themselves to get horseshoe lessons from him.
Genre:
- "Paesel's book is compulsively readable."âPublishers Weekly
- "Everything Is Just Fine is riveting, from Coach Randy's first hilarious e-mail to its stunning conclusion. Paesel is one of those rare writers who can make us laugh out loud while delivering a gut punch of truth at the same time." âJill Soloway, author of She Wants It
- "Everything Is Just Fine is wonderfully entertaining storytelling. There's pain at the core of the best comedy, and the yearning and falling short of these characters is put to great use in this comic epic. Maria Semple meets Almodovar, with the funniest e-mail exchanges ever. I loved it."âBob Odenkirk, actor and author of A Load of Hooey
- "An epistolary novel about life, love, and parenthood in shiny, sunny Beverly Hills, where everything isn't as Instagram-perfect as it seems."âWednesday Martin, New York Times bestselling author
- "Everything Is Just Fine is both laugh-out-loud funny and achingly astute. Brett Paesel has created a satirical masterpiece that's entertaining and suspenseful but also compassionate and wise, capturing the complexity of modern life."âLori Gottlieb, New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
- "I know Brett as an actor and a wit extraordinaire, and she brings the same caustic bite and joy to her writing. No observational stone is left unturned. Get ready."âKathryn Hahn, actor and author of My Wish for You: Lessons from My Six-Year-Old Daughter
- On Sale
- Apr 9, 2019
- Page Count
- 432 pages
- Publisher
- Grand Central Publishing
- ISBN-13
- 9781538745632
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