A Guy Walks Into a Bar...

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...

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To Frank “Pop” Hetlyn (1929–2002) One of the funniest guys I ever knew. Whenever I saw you, you shared a joke. I think you would have loved this book!

Copyright © 2005 by Michael Lewis.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher.

ISBN 1-57912-452-6

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data on file at the offices of the publisher.

Book design: Cindy LaBreacht
Manufactured in the United States of America

Published by
Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers, Inc. 151 West 19th Street
New York, New York 10011

Distributed by
Workman Publishing Company
708 Broadway
New York, New York 10003

g f e d c b a

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FOREWORD

“The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.”
—e.e. cummings

Maybe it’s because I’m always trying to get laughs myself, but for some reason people frequently feel compelled to tell me jokes. Most of them I remember, write down, and retell. And many of the jokes I’ve heard through the years have been bar jokes. It’s been a while since I’ve frequented bars (“married with children” tends to have that effect, I guess). So, to put this book together, I had to do a lot of research.

While writing and compiling, I came to one conclusion: A lot of funny stuff happens in bars! Inanimate objects talk. Animals perform. Those who have had one too many say some pretty rude things. People from virtually every country gather. Drinkers share tales of genies they’ve met and problems they’re having at home. They share worldly advice and recount sexual triumphs. It seems that every denizen of every bar is looking to find solace and companionship along with their liquid refreshment; they all want some relief from their hectic daily lives ... or, at the very least, they want to share a few laughs.

Within these pages, I’ve endeavored to collect, compile, write, and organize the largest, funniest collection of bar jokes ever. A huge undertaking to be sure—a veritable Magnum full of yuks—categorized by type for quick and easy reference. It is my hope that this book will provide a daily shot of humor and that it might even inspire you to share a joke or two that I might have missed. If you know a knee-slapper that I’ve missed, please write to me in care of the publisher, or e-mail me at SamsPop1@aol.com.

Caution: Some of these jokes are risqué. If you’re offended by adult humor, well ... maybe you need to take another drink!

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“A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar…”

CLASSIC ONE-LINERS

“My wife’s idea of the four basic food groups is canned, frozen, freeze-dried and carry-out.”

A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender stops them: “We don’t serve food here!”

A guy walks into a bar. He says, “Ouch!”

Two guys walk into a bar.
You’d think the second guy would have ducked.

Three guys walk into a bar.
They all need stitches.

What’s the worst thing about getting drunk in a bar?
You leave with Cindy Crawford
and wake up with Broderick Crawford.

Twenty-four hours in a day.
Twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?

Drunk #1: My wife drives me to drink.
Drunk #2: You’re lucky. I have to walk.

Why was booze invented?
So ugly people can get laid, too.

I only drink on days with a “D” in them.

Two peanuts walked into a bar.
One was a salted.

BEER PRAYER

Our lager

Which art in barrels,

Hallowed be thy drink.

I will be drunk,

At home as I am in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head

And forgive us our spillages,

As we forgive those who topple against us.

And lead us not into incarceration

But deliver us from hangovers.

For thine is the beer

and the ale

and the lager, forever and ever.

Barmen.

A guy walks into a bar and grabs a stool.

The bartender says, “What’ll it be?”

“I’ll be drinking till three ...”

“Three what?” the barkeep asks. “Three shots? Three beers?”

“... A.M.,” the man continues.

What’s the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?
Drunks don’t have to go to those stupid meetings.

Did you hear about the new drink called a “card table”?
You drink one and your legs fold up under you.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Okay, I’ll serve you. But don’t start anything.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please. And one for the road.”

Did you hear about the cheap bartender?
He hired midget barmaids so the drinks looked bigger.

SIGN SEEN IN BAR:
Beer nuts: $1.99
Deer nuts: Under a buck

Two antennae meet on the roof of a bar, fall in love, and get married at the bar. The ceremony wasn’t so hot, but the reception was great.

Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar. The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you. This is a singles bar.”

“A woman drove me to drink, and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.”—W.C. Fields

Drunk #1: Why are you drinking so much?

Drunk #2: I donated my body to science, and I’m preserving it until they’re ready to use it.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m positive.”

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender sets it down and says, “For you, no charge!”

Beer makes you smarter.
After all, it made Bud wiser!

An eyeball and a pile of dog crap walk into a bar.

“I’m not serving you guys,” the bartender says to the eyeball. “You’re out of your face, and he’s steaming.”

How do you know if the bartender hates you?
There is a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary!

Q: What do all men in singles bars have in common?
A: They’re married.

A woman goes into a bar and asks for a
“Double Entendre.” So the bartender gives her one.

I walked into a bar and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy
who looked just like me.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory.

Q: What did the bartender say to his customers?

A: Your attention, please. Viagra now comes in liquid form. You can pour yourselves a real stiff one!

Why don’t terrorists go out to bars?
Because they can get bombed at home.

“Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”
—Kaiser Wilhelm

Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

“Why not? We’re cultured !”

A golf club walks into a bar and orders a beer, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

“Why not?” asks the golf club.

“You’ll be driving later.”

A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer, please.”

The barman says, “Sorry, I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?”

“You’re already out of your head.”

A skeleton walks into a bar, hops on a stool,
and says, “Give me a beer. And a mop.”

A ghost walks into a bar at closing time. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits at this time of night.”

Why did the fungi leave the crowded bar?
Because there wasn’t mushroom.

A mushroom walks into a bar and says,
“Hey, could I get a beer please?”

“No, I can’t serve you.”

“Why not? I’m a Fungi!”

A number sixteen walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer.

“Sorry, I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?!”

“You’re under twenty-one.”

A college professor walks into a bar.
“Bring me a martinus,” he says

The bartender smiles politely and says, “You mean martini?”

“If I want more than one,”
snaps the professor, “I’ll order them.”

An “L” and a “Z” walk into a bar.
The bartender yells, “Hey, get out of here!
We don’t serve your type!”

Did you hear about the bar on the moon?
The drinks are terrific,
but there’s no atmosphere.

SIGN SEEN IN BAR: Free Drinks Tomorrow

A guy walks into a bar wearing only Saran Wrap.

“We don’t serve your kind here!” the bartender yells. “I can see your nuts.”

I don’t have a drinking problem.
I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem.

What did the vampire bartender say?
“This blood’s for you.”

Don’t trust volleyball-playing bartenders with your
drinks. They might spike ’em.

Two guys walk into a bar and sit down to eat their lunches. The bartender says, “Sorry, but you can’t eat your own food in here.” So they look at each other, shrug, and swap lunches.

A ham, an egg, and a piece of toast go into a bar and order drinks.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”

SIGN SEEN IN BAR: Don’t drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
And if you drink, don’t park. Accidents cause people.

What’s every man’s favorite seven-course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack.

Did you hear about the world’s greatest drunk?

He’s been in and out of Betty Ford more than President Ford.

Why is beer served cold?
So you can distinguish it from urine.

Beer: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

A Polish guy, a Black, an Italian, a priest, a rabbi, a dog, and a nun walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”

A kid walks into a bar and says, “Got milk?”

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“A drunk walks into a bar…”

DRUNKS IN BARS

“I’m getting a second opinion from Al’s Bar and Grill.”

A drunk walks into a bar. After staring for some time at the only woman there, he walks over to her and kisses her forcefully. She jumps up and slaps him.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife,” he explains. “You look exactly like her.”

“Why, you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no-good drunk!”

“Funny,” he mutters, “you sound exactly like her, too.”

Woman at bar (disgustedly): If you were my husband I would poison your drink.

Drunk: If you were my wife, I’d drink it.

Woman at bar: You, sir, are drunk!

Drunk: And you, ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!

A man heads for the bathroom, leaving his female companion standing at the bar. A drunk turns to her and says, “I really want to squeeze your tits. Will you let me?”

“How dare you! Get away from me, you sicko!”

Undaunted, the guy says, “Oh you have a beautiful ass. Can I rub it?”

“Look, you pervert, get away from me! When my boyfriend comes back he’s going to kick your ass!”

The drunk plods on: “I want to stand you on your head, fill you up with beer, and down it in one big gulp.”

“Okay, that’s it!” Just then her mate returns. “What’s going on here?” he asks.

“That guy right there said he wants to squeeze my tits!” Her boyfriend glares at the offending drunk and starts rolling up his sleeves.

“That’s not all, he wants to rub my ass!” With that, her boyfriend takes a step toward the guy.

“And do you know what else he said? He wants to tip me upside down and fill me with beer and down it in one big gulp! Okay, now you can beat him up!”

Her boyfriend rolls down his sleeves, gets back on his bar stool, and says, “Sorry, hon. There’s no way I’m starting anything with a guy who can drink that much beer!!!”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”—Henny Youngman

A young woman nursing a drink at a bar is distressed as an unruly drunk sits down next to her.

“Say, honey. I’d really like t’get into those pants o’yours.”

“Thanks anyway, but I’ve already got an asshole in there.”

A drunk guy is sitting at a bar when a gorgeous blonde comes and sits next to him. After they each have a few drinks, the fellow says to her, “How about playing the Magician Game?”

“And what would that be?” she asks.

“We go to my place, have a few drinks, get into bed, have sex, and then you ...”

“... disappear,” she says.

Two men are at a bar enjoying a few drinks, and they get pretty drunk. One notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner and says to the other, “Wow, would I love to dance with that.” His friend replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, then.” So the first man walks up to the girl and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?”

Seeing that the dude is totally drunk, the woman says, “I’m sorry. Right now I’m concentrating on matrimony, and I’d rather sit than dance.” So the guy dejectedly returns to his friend. “So what did she say?” he asks.

“She said she’s constipated on macaroni and would rather shit in her pants.”

A woman is sitting at a bar, next to a drunk guy. The drunk says, “You must be single.”

The woman is startled at his intuition. “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?”

“You’re ugly.”

Old man Murphy visits the neighborhood bar every night for years. One day, he gets so drunk that he passes out into a pitcher of beer and dies. Considering he was practically family, the bartender thinks he should be the first to inform Mrs. Murphy of her husband’s death. He goes to her house and rings the doorbell.

“I’m sorry to tell you, Gladys, but poor old Murph passed away at the bar today. He just collapsed in his beer and drowned.”

Gladys begins to weep uncontrollably, covering her face with her apron. After composing herself somewhat, between sobs she says, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“I don’t think so. He got up three times to go to the men’s room.”

A very drunk man stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face. “Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” he thinks, as he begins to crawl outside. He tries to stand up again, but falls face-first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thinks. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife finds him on the front steps, asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she says.

“Uh, yes,” he replies sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“Clancy’s Bar called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

A drunk walks out of a bar just as a nun is walking by. The drunk knocks her over.

“I guess you don’t feel so tough now, eh, Batman?!”

NEW PROPOSED FDA ALCOHOL WARNING LABELS

Consumption of alcohol may…

make you believe you can converse cleverly with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

cause pregnancy.

cause a disruption in the time-space continuum whereby small (or even large) spans of time seem to disappear.

cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your ass at the office Christmas party.

cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

make you believe that when you sing karaoke, you “sound just like the album.”

cause you to shay shings like thish.

cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a dead animal from a hundred yards away.

remind you of some important things you need to say to your ex—who cares if it’s four in the morning?

lead you to believe that you’re tougher, more handsome, and better endowed than the really big guy at the end of the bar named Meat.

lead you to believe you are invisible.

make you believe that people are laughing WITH you.

make you wonder what the hell happened to your pants—and then decide it is totally unimportant.

make you think you have mystical kung fu powers.

Consumption of alcohol is…

a major factor in dancing like an epileptic.

the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

Three drunks are sitting in a bar. Drunk Number One says, “I’m the bravest in here.”

“Prove it,” his soused friends say.