He's a Stud, She's a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know

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Double standards are nothing new. Women deal with them every day. Take the common truism that women who sleep around are sluts while men are studs. Why is it that men grow distinguished and sexily gray as they age while women just get saggy and haggard? Have you ever wondered how a young woman is supposed to both virginal and provocatively enticing at the same time? Isn't it unfair that working moms are labeled "bad" for focusing on their careers while we shake our heads in disbelief when we hear about the occasional stay-at-home dad?

In 50 Double Standards Every Woman Should Know, Jessica Valenti, author of Full Frontal Feminism, calls out the double standards that affect every woman. Whether Jessica is pointing out the wage earning discrepancies between men and women or revealing all of the places that women still aren't equal to their male counterparts-be it in the workplace, courtroom, bedroom, or home-she maintains her signature wittily sarcastic tone.

With sass, humor, and in-your-face facts, this book informs and equips women with the tools they need to combat sexist comments, topple ridiculous stereotypes (girls aren't good at math?), and end the promotion of lame double standards.

To the readers of Feministing.com, for inspiring me every day.

INTRODUCTION

WHEN I WA S IN HIGH SCHOOL, I had a reputation—a bad one. (You know, a "slutty" one.) I wasn't quite sure how I became seen as the promiscuous girl in school, since I was definitely not getting any more action than my girlfriends. It felt like the reputation—which I really didn't find out about until well into my senior year—had materialized out of nowhere. And I was confused.

Maybe it was because I went to a kind of dorky math and science magnet school where anyone who even talked about sex was labeled sexually active? Perhaps it was because I had so many guy friends that I hung around with? Or maybe it was because I was a little more, ahem, developed than the other gals? I wasn't quite sure.

Looking back, I realize that it could have been any of those things, or nothing. Most likely, it was because I had a bit of a potty mouth (shocking, I know), told dirty jokes, and was a louder, more opinionated girl than some of my peers. I know better now, and realize that labeling girls "sluts" is a pretty common silencing tactic. After all, there's no better way to silence a woman than to call her a whore!

But that was the first sexist double standard I became acutely aware of—one that affected my life and, maybe more important, really pissed me off. I was upset not only that people thought things about me that weren't true, but that the double standard existed in the first place. So fucking what if I had slept with every guy in my grade? Why would that make me a bad person? It just seemed so illogical to me, yet it was so accepted. While I didn't consider myself a feminist until college, when I took my first women's studies class, I think it was this sense of just simple unfairness that really got me started down my feminist path.

Because everyday sexism is something that we can all relate to. If you're a feminist or not, a Democrat or Republican, there are certain things that all women recognize—and are pissed off about!

After I wrote my first book, Full Frontal Feminism, it was difficult to know what to write next. I got such amazing responses from young women who read the book—women from thirteen to sixty!—I didn't want to let them down with my next one.

One email I got was from a sixteen-year-old Middle Eastern woman living in Michigan who was happy to read something from another young feminist. Another teen, a fourteen-year-old from Mozambique, was pleased that she finally had something that she could use to "get across to my somewhat closed-minded friends for years." The notes that affected me the most, though, were the ones that inspired action. A twenty-one-year-old African American woman from California sent me a message through MySpace about how she faces racism and sexism at work every day: "I thought ideas and feelings like the ones your book and blog have shown me only existed in my hometown of Oakland and S.F. I now want to start a young feminist movement in my community."

I was so touched that these women would take the time to write me, and that the book made an impact on their lives. . . . It was very overwhelming and it still feels like a huge responsibility (one I'm flattered to have!).

And while the notes I got from women came from all different parts of the world, and came from women all across the spectrum in terms of class, race, sexuality, and politics, the one thing they all had in common was that they talked about how sexism affected their everyday lives. Whether it was through sexual harassment or workplace racism or just the struggles they had in school or at home taking care of their kids—it was the day-to-day injustices that women talked about.

So I figured, why not go back to basics? Go back to that place when I hadn't even started to think about feminism yet—but where it was still impossible not to think about and notice day-to-day unfairness and injustice. No matter how anyone feels about feminism, there are certain inequalities and double standards that are impossible to ignore or argue with.

I'm hoping this book will be a fun (but informative!) handbook on those everyday inequities women still face. Because from the boardroom to the bedroom, women are still getting the short end of the stick. Whether it's the sexual double standard that led to me (and so many other women) being labeled a slut, or the work double standard that calls women "bitches" for being good at their job, we still have a long way to go.

This book is for any feminist—or non-feminist!—who is sick of people saying that everything is fine and dandy.This is a book that you'll be able to whip out, whether at school, a bar, or the office, to show the skeptics that sexism is still alive and well—but that there are women out there doing something about it! Think of it as a quick reference guide to everyday sexism. Only funnier.

I hope this book inspires action. I hope that you'll carry it around and use it to battle the sexists in your lives. But most of all, I hope that you leave this book not feeling downtrodden about how pervasive sexism is, but instead energized to do something about it!

That said, I just want to say thanks to all the feminists out there—especially you new feminists!—for doing the hard work, every day, of telling the truth about sexism. I know it's not always easy, but it's changing lives. You all are inspiring.

HE'S A STUD, SHE'S A SLUT

IF YOU HAVE A VAGINA, chances are someone has called you a slut at least once in your life. There's just no getting around it.

I remember the first time I heard the word "slut"—I was in my fifth-grade science class. A certain little girl (terror) named Eleena had been making my life miserable all year in a way that only mean little girls can. She had turned all of my girlfriends against me, spread rumors and the like. She walked up to me at my desk and said, "You called me a slut." I had absolutely no idea what the word meant. I just sat there, silently. She repeated herself: "You called me a slut, but you're the slut." I don't remember how long after that I found out exactly what "slut" meant, but I knew it had to be terrible and I knew I didn't want to be it.

Naturally, I'd be called a slut many times over later in life—not unlike most girls. I was called a slut when my boobs grew faster than others'. I was called a slut when I had a boyfriend (even though we weren't having sex). I was called a slut when I didn't have a boyfriend and kissed a random boy at a party. I was called a "slut" when I had the nerve to talk about sex. I was called a slut when I wore a bikini on a weekend trip with high school friends. It seems the word "slut" can be applied to any activity that doesn't include knitting, praying, or sitting perfectly still lest any sudden movements be deemed whorish.

Despite the ubiquity of "slut," where you won't hear it is in relation to men. Men can't be sluts. Sure, someone will occasionally call a guy "a dog," but men simply aren't judged like women are when it comes to sexuality. (And if they are, they're judged in a positive way!) Men who have a lot of sexual partners are studs, Casanovas, pimps, and players. Never sluts. In fact, when I just did a Google search for "male sluts," the first result I got was She Male Sluts DVD! I know, should have seen that coming. The point is, there isn't even a word—let alone a concept—to signify a male slut.

But it makes sense when you think about what the purpose of the word "slut" is: controlling women through shame and humiliation. Women's bodies are always the ones that are being vied over for control—whether it's rape, reproductive rights, or violence against women, it's our bodies that are the battleground, not men's.

And if you don't think it's about control, consider this little bit of weirdness. The most recent incarnation of the sexual double standard being played out in a seriously creepy way is through Purity Balls. These promlike events basically have fathers take their daughters to a big fancy dance where they promise their daddy their virginity. Likewise, the father promises to be the "keeper" of his daughter's virginity until he decides to give it to her future husband. Where are the Purity Balls for men, you ask? Oh, they're there, but they're about controlling women too! Called Integrity Balls, these events focus on men not having sex because they'd be defiling someone else's "future wife"! Not because men need to be pure or be virgins—but because they need to make sure women are virgins. Unbelievable, really.

Outside of the feminist implications of the sexual double standard, the slut/stud conundrum has always been my favorite because it just makes no sense logically. Why is a woman less of a person, or (my favorite) "dirty," because she has sex? (Heterosexual sex, that is; somehow lesbian sex isn't "real.") Does a penis have some bizarre dirty-making power that I'm unaware of? Every time I have sex, do I lose a little bit of my moral compass? "Sorry to mug you, Grandma, but I had sex twice this week!"

And let's face it—the slut stigma isn't just dangerous to our "reputations" or to some weird-ass notion of purity. How many times has a rape been discounted because a woman was deemed a slut? How many times are women called whores while their partners beat them? How often are women's sexual histories used against them in workplace harassment cases? The sexual double standard is a lot more dangerous than we'd like to think.

So... what to do?

First and foremost, stop calling other women sluts! It doesn't behoove us to bash each other, gals. And speak out when you hear men do the same. I'll never forget in college overhearing a conversation that my boyfriend's roommates were having.They both had slept with the same girl over the course of the year—they called her a whore and made a joke about her vagina being "loose." I asked them why she was the bad person in this scenario—after all, they had had casual sex with her, too. They couldn't provide an answer, but that didn't stop them from continuing to laugh. I always regretted not saying anything more. Outside of calling ourselves and others out on perpetuating the double standard, it's a hard battle. But I think if we recognize the hypocrisy of the stud/slut nonsense when we see it—whether it's in an anti-choice law or a movie that makes women who have sex look like deviants—we're on the right road.

(Random true story: When I was in my early twenties, I was watching a documentary on anorexia and saw my childhood tormentor, Eleena, talking about her terrible eating disorder and how she cut herself as a teen. Just something to remember when you think back on the kids who were cruel to you—they were in pain, too.)

HE'S CHILL, SHE'S ON THE PILL

IN MY SEX-HAVING LIFETIME, I've been on the Pill, used the NuvaRing, condoms, and female condoms, and considered getting an IUD just so I wouldn't have to worry about birth control for another five years or so. I've taken emergency contraception. The job of being responsible, at the end of the day, has always lain with me. Because I'm a woman. It's our responsibility to have safe sex: birth control pills, diaphragms, spermicides—shit, we even have to convince men to wear condoms! I say it's crap.

There's no doubt that women will always have a disproportionate amount of responsibility when it comes to sex, because we're the ones who get pregnant—and if we do get pregnant it's going to be up to us to decide what to do about it. But the way that birth control is automatically considered a woman's domain is just irksome, not only from a theoretical feminist perspective—why should it only be up to us!?—but also from a practical one.

Because being the responsible party in a sexual relationship doesn't come without costs. Birth control has always cost me money, but recently I'm spending over $50 a month (I don't have health insurance) to make sure I don't get knocked up. And I know I'm not the only one who is breaking the bank.

I used to long for my college days, when being on the Pill would only cost me a few dollars a month. But those days are long gone, and young women today are getting totally screwed. Birth control prices on college campuses are literally doubling and tripling. (But not condoms, of course—just the kind that the ladies use.) Drug companies that used to sell colleges contraceptives at a discount—which is why you could get a $50 pack of pills for $12—have stopped offering the discount. And women are pissed, rightfully. The best quote I heard about this increase in price came from a twenty-two-year-old at the University of Iowa who said, "This is the one thing that many females on campus are getting from student health. . . . It felt like we were a target." ¹ Ya think?

And the cost of bearing birth control responsibility isn't just monetary. Birth control has long been used against certain women—women of color, immigrants, and low-income women—as a way to control them. There are groups that put up billboards in low-income, minority communities urging women to get sterilized for cash (seriously), and a long history of sterilizing women because only certain (white) women having babies is considered desirable.

Unfortunately, it's not only the onus of being protected that's on women, it's also the stigma attached to having sex. Men can buy condoms without getting a lecture or a problem—but women who go to the pharmacy for birth control are often refused or asked about their marital status. Can you even imagine that happening to a man? And when was the last time you saw conservative groups up in arms about condoms being available in schools? Hell no. Because they couldn't give a shit about whether guys have sex or not. But allowing women to take control of their reproductive destinies? No way. There have been all sorts of protests just in the last year over birth control pills and patches being made available to young women. So not only is it up to us to make sure we're protected—we have to jump through all sorts of hoops to make it happen!

So what about the men? You would think that men would be eager to take on extra responsibility—having control over your reproductive future is always a good thing, after all. A common anti-feminist argument against child support, for example, is that women constantly trick men into getting them pregnant (sure they do). Guess what, guys—if you used a condom every time you had sex, and took some responsibility for your sex life, you would never have to worry about something like that.

When I've asked folks (friends, foes, and even feminists) about the birth control disparity, I've heard countless times that it's not their fault that all of the contraceptive options are available to women. But recent studies show that the lack of a male birth control pill, which has been reported to be on its way for years now, isn't because of science holdups—it's societal obstacles. The man who originally developed the male pill, Carl Djerassi, says they stopped working on it because men just wouldn't use it: "It would be possible to make a male pill today. We know how hormones work and we could use the same principles that are used to make the female [pill]. . . . The problem is that men are afraid to lose their virility. Even if taking a pill carries only a remote chance of impotence, they won't take the chance." (Ri-ight. Because it's not like women undertake any health risks at all using countless levels of hormones, things stuck up our chocha, and the like.)

So... what to do?

If you're straight and sexually active, make sure that your partner is taking on as much responsibility as you are. Use condoms. Split the costs of all your birth control—after all, he's benefiting from it, too! At the end of the day, the birth control double standard exists for one reason—sexism. The idea behind the reality of fewer BC options for men is that sex and reproduction are all about women. We can't let them be.

HE'S ROUGH, SHE'S DAINTY

WHEN I WAS SIX YEARS OLD, I had a play kitchen set—it was tin and looked super real. I also had a tea set and a shit ton of dolls. But, thanks to my hippie parents, I also had a Thundercats glowing sword, toy robots, and multiple racing car sets (those were my favorite). And while I was acutely aware that there were "boys' toys" and "girls' toys," I remember always appreciating my parents telling me that girls could play with boys' toys and vice versa. (Especially because I took some shit from schoolmates due to my penchant for swords and robots.) I never would have thought that twenty-three years later children would have the same kind of gendered toys that I grew up with.

You really don't need to look much further than the nonsense directed at our children to see a ton of double standards at play, not to mention the way that sexist socialization starts early.

Take toys, for example. You can still find the "girls'" aisle in a toy store just by looking for the blinding pink that adorns everything. Feministing.com blogger Vanessa (and my sis) took a look at the toys sold in superstore Target and found some predictable, though no less nauseating, trends: Girls' toys are supposed to "make her sweet dreams come true," with featured sections, the first being "Kitchen and Play Food," along with "Dolls and Accessories" and "Horse Play Sets." Boys' toys "let his imagination run wild" with "Cars, Trucks, and Trains," "Building and Construction," "Tech Toys and Kids' Electronics," "Vehicles and Radio Control," and "Science."

But it's not just the pink-is-for-girls, blue-is-for-boys trend that's problematic. It's what these toys are, and what they're telling our kids from a very early age.

Take the Fashion Fever Shopping Boutique, a Barbie toy that has a pink credit card swiper and credit card so that little girls can "buy" outfits for their dolls. The television commercial for the toy features a little girl saying, "And you never run out of money!" (You know, just like in real life. Sigh.) Creating good little consumers one toy at a time! Never mind that young women in the United States are deeper in credit card debt than perhaps any other group in the country.¹

Or Playskool's new Rose Petal Cottage—the tagline for this girls' playhouse is "Where dreams have room to grow." That is, of course, assuming your daughter's dreams consist of baking muffins, rocking a cradle, and doing laundry. The commercial for the toy is totally disturbing, with lyrics from the Rose Petal Cottage song saying: "I love when my laundry gets so clean / Taking care of my home is a dream, dream, dream!" If that's not bad enough, when the little girl in the commercial puts clothes in her laundry machine, the narrator notes the cottage is a place "she can entertain her imagination"! Girls' imaginations should consist of laundry and baking. Awesome. Compare that with Tonka, whose new commercials claim that "boys are different" and that their trucks are built "Tonka tough," and I think you'll see what I'm getting at. Not to mention the racism built into so many toys, especially for girls. Most dolls sold are white and blond, and those that are supposed to be "ethnic" have overwhelmingly Caucasian features.

And if toys aren't telling little girls that they should grow up to be happy homemakers, they're telling them to be sexual. Seriously. It was just 2006 when Target took shit for selling padded bras for girls as young as six. A spokesperson from Bratz, who makes the "bralettes," said "the idea of the padding is for girls to be discreet as they develop." Um, last time I checked, six-year-olds had nothing to be discreet about. British superstore Tesco even got called out for selling toy stripper poles in the children's toy section. The kit is advertised on its site as saying, "Unleash the sex kitten inside. . . . Simply extend the Peekaboo pole inside the tube, slip on the sexy tunes, and away you go!" Charming.

Then there's clothing. If you've ever shopped for a little girl—especially a baby girl—I challenge you to find something that (a) isn't pink and (b) doesn't say something like "princess" or "diva" or "drama queen." Not possible. Jane Roper, on her blog, Baby Squared, says of the clothing conundrum: "I guess some people find it funny. Like: Ha, ha—an innocent baby girl can't be a spoiled pain in the ass! So it's funny to call her one! Because, really, she won't be a spoiled pain in the ass until she's at least twelve! And if she is one then, that's fine! Because that's just what it means to be an empowered young woman in America today! Getting what you want—whether it's shoes or clothes or an iPod or a chihuahua or your own reality show or whatever. God bless America! Ha, ha, ha! Princess! How cute!" And how sad. And I haven't even touched on child beauty pageants, television shows, and a ton of other stuff directed at children.

So... what to do?

Don't buy your kids sexist toys! Which I know isn't easy, I assure you. Or if you must buy the goddamn Rose Petal Cottage, get some Tonka trucks too. (Though it's probably better that you don't support toy companies that rely on sexism to sell their products!) If you're looking for cool, not-all-white dolls, check out Karito Kids, which features girls from all over the world. (Think American Girl but cooler and international.) Go to parent blogs dedicated to anti-sexism and anti-racism for ideas. And for goodness' sake, stay away from toy credit cards.

HE'S A HERO, SHE'S A DAMSEL

DESPITE MY PARENTS' PROTESTATIONS, I must admit that I'm far from perfect. I'm loud and sarcastic, and when I'm pissed I can be a cold bitch. Like all people, I have my flaws. Which is why I've never, ever wanted a guy to put me on a pedestal—if you're on a pedestal, you have a long way to fall. And no one can live up to the expectations that some folks—in fact, a lot of folks—have for women. That we're virgins, Madonnas, mothers, little girls, perfect angels to be protected. Naturally, viewing women this way sets up a very dangerous dynamic—because no one is perfect, and when women transgress, they get punished. (You don't have to look much further than the virgin/whore complex to figure that out.)

And while the whole woman-on-a-pedestal thing is often shrouded in ideas about romance, it's anything but. Because notions of pedestals and chivalry operate under the assumption that women are inferior. While holding women up to high standards may not immediately seem like it's degrading—after all, right now the idea of girls being "princesses" and "treated like queens" is all the rage (just watch Bridezillas)—what it's actually doing is saying that women are like children, not fully formed people. We have to be protected. We have to be coddled. We have to be treated with kid gloves. Sorry, but my idea of romance isn't being babied.

Now, when people think "chivalry," they think of men opening doors for women, throwing their jackets over puddles, and paying for dinners. All admittedly nice things, save the jacket throwing—that just seems nuts, given the price of outerwear these days. But this is how they get you. Doing things like opening doors for people is polite

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On Sale: May 6, 2008
Page Count: 224 pages
Publisher: Seal Press
ISBN-13: 9781580052450

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Jessica Valenti

About the Author

Jessica Valenti is the author of multiple books on feminism, politics and culture. Jessica is also the founder of Feministing.com. Her writing has appeared in publications like the New York Times, the Washington Post, Nation, and Ms. magazine. She is currently a columnist at the Guardian US. Jessica lives in Brooklyn with her husband and daughter.

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