The Narcissist in Your Life

Introduction

WELCOME. AS SOMEONE WITH A NARCISSISTIC PARENT, PARTNER, OR other important person in your life, you followed a confusing and painful road to get here. It is not a club any of us wants to join, and yet there is hope and wisdom to be found. This book won’t erase your pain or solve your problems. But if you are ready, it will help you understand what you’ve been through, clarify your feelings, and help you move forward with healing.

Thanks to the Internet and social media, today’s rapid-fire sharing of our individual and collective experience is unprecedented. We talk a lot about a lot of things, but lately it seems the subject of narcissism pops up everywhere. Public discourse about narcissism seems to have reached an all-time high, crashing across our mass consciousness like a tsunami. With an estimated 6.2 percent of people¹ impaired with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and an even greater number with pathological levels of narcissistic traits, most of us are touched in some way by this mental condition, whether in or outside our families. Yet, despite its notoriety, narcissism remains insidiously hidden and misunderstood while at once intensely traumatic to be around.

A defining characteristic of NPD is exploitative and abusive behavior, which is often shuttered from outside view. Narcissistic abuse rears its ugly head in our institutions, but its roots are domestic, making it a family scourge that traumatizes children, partners, and other relatives on an erosive daily basis and often persists across generations.

Those who haven’t experienced narcissistic abuse firsthand find it unimaginable and typically diminish or altogether dismiss it. This is because the narcissist operates outside normative moral boundaries, with dysfunctional empathy and grandiose self-importance masking underlying shame that s/he himself is often blind to. Even many mental health practitioners do not understand narcissism and its devastating impact.

Survivors of narcissistic trauma feel alone in their experience, but the reality is that it manifests in remarkably similar ways from one relationship to the next, one family to the next. This is because people with the disorder exhibit consistent patterns of thinking and behaving that create a commonality among those who are treated to their outsize demands and manipulations. If there is a saving grace for narcissistic abuse survivors, it is this common ground: Survivors in a sense are all part of one big unhappy family, and finding that commonality can offer vital validation and insight along the healing path.

As young people we all go through narcissistic developmental phases, and as adults we have narcissistic traits that help us survive and self-advocate in a vast, often battering world. The kind of narcissism I examine in this book is neither normal “healthy” narcissism nor run-of-the-mill self-centeredness. The focus of this book is narcissistic personality disorder, a pathologically crippling mental impairment, and its traumatic effect on those treated to its distortions and abuses.

This book is meant to provide a road map for survivors of narcissistic abuse looking for answers and strategies for coping. Here you will find detailed explanations of the disorder, including causes and traits. We’ll analyze narcissistic behaviors in relationships and examine the roles that play out in families dominated by one or more narcissists. We’ll identify patterns of narcissistic abuse and neglect and their traumatizing effects and look at numerous real-life examples from survivors and interviews with clinicians. Along the way, we’ll lay out strategies you can use to help yourself and those you love heal and overcome trauma.

The purpose of this book is not to demonize narcissists. They have a profound impairment that causes them suffering, and often they themselves have been victims of abuse. It is natural to sympathize with the pain that drives them to such lengths of grandiose pretense and violent defensiveness. But narcissists do terrible harm, with little to no remorse. They are disturbed, deluded, and exploitative, particularly of family members, regardless of the emotional, psychological, and physical damage they cause.

This book is for the people narcissists have hurt: the survivors, who come in all classes, colors, creeds, sexual orientations, and gender identities. Whether you have (or had) a narcissistic parent, partner, or relative, or you love someone who does, this book is for you. If you are wondering whether someone important in your life is a narcissist and how to deal with it, this book is for you. Whether you are a scapegoat, “golden child,” or unwitting enabler (we’ll get to those terms in a bit), this book is for you. May it be a light of insight, support, and validation in your life. You deserve all of those things and more.

MY STORY

Over the years as an educational writer, journalist, and poet, I never imagined choosing to write about narcissism. But when I found myself working on a memoir, there was no way around taking a hard look at my own experiences growing up in a narcissistic family, experiences that caused lasting emotional and physiological damage in my life. I started writing articles and founded a blog about narcissism, The Narcissist Family Files (narcissistfamilyfiles.com). I had already come to understand much about narcissism through my own personal pursuit of healing from my past—intensive reading, research, self-reflection, therapy, and talking with certain key people who understood. But as soon as I began exploring the subject in earnest as a journalist, I realized I had more to learn and process and a passionate drive to help others struggling with narcissism-related trauma.

This book is drawn from my personal experience, research, interviews with clinicians and survivors, consulting, and writings about narcissism—in particular the narcissistic family, where pathological narcissism is engendered and tragically perpetuated across generations. I know firsthand how deeply wounding, complex, and persistent narcissistic trauma is. I’ve felt trapped and sometimes broken, and I’ve walked down more than my fair share of blind alleys. In the process, I have also learned a lot about resiliency, empathy, and the power of hope and healing. The smallest ray of light pierces darkness and leads the way.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

This book is organized in six parts that can be read sequentially from start to finish or taken in pieces most immediately helpful to you. I’ve provided a detailed Contents so you can readily find topics you may want to read about right away, such as the narcissistic family roles, coparenting with a narcissist ex, or managing an aging narcissistic parent. You may find it useful to begin by reviewing the defined terms in the Glossary, particularly if you plan to skip around. Or you may want to start at the beginning of the book and take things chapter by chapter. Throughout you will find survivor stories, with names and identifying details changed for anonymity.

However you choose to use this book, I hope you will read its entirety. You are likely to find that topics that at first appear unrelated to you do in fact have relevance. For example, adult children of narcissists not in a relationship with a narcissistic partner will probably still benefit from reading Part 4, “Partners of Narcissists,” to gain insight into an enabling parent, codependent patterns, and childhood roles. Partners of narcissists, likewise, may find it helpful to read Part 5, “Children of Narcissists,” to understand past or current family dynamics and ways to help children. And even if you are familiar with the particulars of NPD, you will probably find insight in Part 2, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” which explicates the commonly cited list of nine criteria for NPD by the American Psychiatric Association and explores other aspects of the disorder.

The bottom line is that narcissistic relationships do not happen arbitrarily. There are nearly always larger patterns at work that link how we are raised with how we live our lives and choose partners, friends, bosses, and the like in adulthood. As a survivor and writer, I believe in the power and redemption of the examined life. My goal with this book is to provide the right combination of both scope and specificity for you as reader looking to understand your experience and move forward on the vital path of recovery.

Part 1, “Reclaiming Your Rights,” establishes a context for your experience with narcissistic abuse by defining human rights and how and why narcissists violate them. I hold out a hand for those stepping beyond the first defense of denial and self-blame to begin to confront the dehumanization of life with a narcissist. And I validate your need to identify the narcissist’s pathology even and especially when the narcissist her-/himself will not.

Part 2, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” looks at narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) head-on. It interprets accepted diagnostic criteria for NPD and provides multiple additional perspectives into the disorder. It identifies causes of narcissism and takes a close look at the narcissist’s impaired empathy and its effect on others. It describes types of narcissists, including the closet, exhibitionist, and malignant narcissist, and it explores how and why NPD is an abusive disorder as well as patterns of narcissistic abuse. Part 2 concludes with the profound and underexamined issue of health consequences for survivors of narcissistic abuse trauma, including interviews with clinicians and a look at complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD).

Part 3, “The Narcissistic Family,” dives into another fundamental but underexplored subject: the narcissistic family, including unspoken rules and roles for family members. It identifies patterns that define family life, including isolation, rage, projection, shaming, gaslighting, triangulating, smear campaigns, cognitive distortions, and tragedy. And it addresses narcissistic “love” and contempt, as well as the realities of generational narcissism and hope for overcoming it.

Partners of narcissists are the focus of Part 4, “Partners of Narcissists,” which begins by analyzing narcissistic relationship patterns, from romance to devaluation to breakup, as well as how to evaluate if your partner is a narcissist. It examines codependency and trauma bonding and ways to overcome them, as well as strategies for managing a narcissistic relationship and getting out of one. Part 4 also looks at the realities of parenting with a narcissistic partner and a narcissistic ex, including ways to support your children and help them cope with dysfunctional family roles. It concludes with a look at parental alienation.

Part 5, “Children of Narcissists,” takes a hard look at the experience of children in the narcissistic family, beginning with narcissistic styles of parenting, including idealizing and devaluing, parentification, neglect, engulfment, infantilization, overindulgence, and overpraising. It examines the realities of the child roles of hero, scapegoat, golden child, lost child, and mascot, as well as the impact of the roles in adulthood and ways to overcome their trappings. Part 5 also covers why and how narcissistic parents divide their kids, how to deal with a golden child sibling, and sibling relationships in adulthood.

Finally, Part 6, “Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse,” focuses on overcoming narcissistic abuse trauma. It begins with strategies for processing trauma, including understanding grief and its forms, reassessing childhood stories, ending the cycle with the next generation, and finding appropriate therapeutic help. It explores ways to manage someone who has a narcissistic personality, from interpreting the narcissist’s “nice” behavior, to asserting boundaries (including going no contact), to coping with the aging narcissistic parent. Part 6 presents numerous strategies for recovery and takes a close look at trusting your instincts, processing your foreshortened sense of the future, taking a self-inventory, embracing your vulnerability, and welcoming back your inner exiles. The book concludes with final lessons about societal narcissism, the role of forgiveness, and healing takeaways.

As you read, remember to be patient with yourself. Facing painful truths about your family, your relationships, and yourself is always difficult, and it takes time. You may need to reread parts or set some things aside. You are likely to find that understanding comes unevenly, with some things rushing to the surface and others remaining stubbornly out of reach. Keep at it. You are worth it.