Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot


By Ben Schwartz

By Laura Moses

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$19.99 CAD


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This item is a preorder. Your payment method will be charged immediately, and the product is expected to ship on or around October 17, 2017. This date is subject to change due to shipping delays beyond our control.

A hilarious illustrated collection of tips for successfully navigating the dating world as a millennial.

For single millennials, this situation is all too familiar: You’re on a date. It’s going well! Then suddenly your date looks at you like you’re a f*cking idiot and you never hear from that person again. Guess you’re going to die alone, right? Maybe not!

Humble authors Ben Schwartz and Laura Moses have written a book to save the future of the human race: Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot, a collection of 100 dating tips — complete with illustrations — that teaches clueless guys and girls the dos and don’ts of dating. In their book, Ben and Laura cover all the basics, from “Why are you texting in just Emojis, dummy?!” to “Stop playing games, idiot!” and, of course, “PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN, A**HOLE!” Simply put, this book will make you laugh and finally give you a fighting chance at not dying alone.



Chances are you’ve been in this situation before: You’re on a date. It’s going well! Then, suddenly, your date looks at you like you’re a fucking idiot and somehow you’ve blown it. Guess you’re going to die alone, right?


The thing is, you’re probably not even sure what went wrong on that date. Was it your clothes? Your jokes? Your palpable loneliness? Who knows—today’s dating scene is a mess. We live in a world where it’s become easier to have a relationship over the phone than in person. Common courtesies have been replaced by emojis, and feelings are now expressed through GIFs and memes. So it’s not a shock you didn’t know that you’re supposed to WALK YOUR DATE TO THEIR CAR, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! Sure, you’re doing great electronically—your text game is on point and your Twitter feed is fire, but we will teach you how to be a considerate human being on a date in REAL LIFE.

This book contains one hundred simple tips to guide you through hypothetical dating scenarios. Each tip is paired with a discussion between two people to show you how awesome it is when you take our advice—and how shitty it is when you don’t. In case words aren’t your thing, you’ll also find an adorable illustration next to each tip to make the yucky process of fixing your romantic life a little more whimsical!

So do yourself a favor and read this book immediately, and maybe the next time you show up to a date you’ll have a fighting chance at not dying alone.



Here you are, a lonely dummy who doesn’t want to be lonely anymore. You’ve been on dates and cried through breakups and it all sucks, so what else is there to do but take off your pants and eat some cookies? FUCK THAT! It’s time to get up and change your life! No more DMing randoms or texting late-night hook-ups. You need to go on a date with a real-life human being of substance. But where do you start? How do you ask someone out? What do you wear? Will there be snacks? Take a deep breath… we are about to break it down for you.

Asking Someone Out

1. Call, text, email, DM… it doesn’t matter how you ask, just ask.

Guy: I’d text you. I would never call you. That is so rude.

Girl: Asking me out over text is rude! Calling feels special.

Guy: But if I call you, we would have to talk.

Girl: What do you think we’re going to do on the date?

Guy: This is moving too fast.

2. When you’re asking someone out, be clear that it’s a date.

Guy: Wanna come over and chill?

Girl: What does that mean?

Guy: Uh, you know… chiiiiiill.

Girl: “Chill” could mean anything. Am I coming over to watch cat videos or am I coming over to plow?

Guy: Wow… ummm… both?

3. The guy doesn’t have to ask the girl out. Either of you can do the asking.

Guy: Traditionally, doesn’t the guy ask the girl out?

Girl: Times are a-changin’, gramps, we have cars that drive themselves now. Anyone can ask anyone.

Guy: OK. Then ask me out.

Girl: I don’t want to go out with you.

Guy: But… what if I ask you out?

Girl: Woof…

The Location

4. Make sure the location isn’t right next to you and moons away from them.

Girl: There’s a cool spot around the corner from me. You wanna meet there?

Guy: Sounds great. (One bus ride, three subway transfers, and a ten-block walk later.)

Guy: Let’s just be friends.

5. Make sure your date spot isn’t too trashy or too fancy.

Girl: How much are you going to spend?

Guy: How good that pussy?

Girl: Excuse me?

Guy: I said around forty bucks.

Girl: I thought I heard—


6. For a first date, start small and meet for a drink.

Guy: We can always upgrade from a drink to a meal if it’s going well.

Girl: And if the meal goes well?

Guy: Upgrade to dessert and more drinks!

Girl: And if that goes well?

Guy: Meet my parents and lock it up!

Girl: Really?

Guy: No, you fucking idiot.

7. Make a reservation. You might as well—it doesn’t cost any money.

Guy: But it’s so embarrassing if I have a reservation and there’s nobody in the restaurant.

Girl: Isn’t it more embarrassing to be turned away because you don’t have a reservation?

Guy: No.

What to Wear/Getting There

8. Dress like yourself.

Girl: Why are you dressed like James Bond?

Guy: All I have is this or ten pairs of cargo shorts.

Girl: Rethink your entire life.

9. Don’t be late.

Guy’s text: I’m gonna be fifteen minutes late.

Girl’s text: Every minute you’re late, I will be on a dating app texting someone else.

Guy’s text: Be there in two.




  • "This book is so funny. Read it and you'll 100% find love--if you're into that kinda thing...happiness or whatever."—Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel
  • "Laura and Ben's absurdist look at dating is both hilarious and heartfelt. A great read, even for this old married lady."—Kristen Bell
  • "Funny as hell, no joke! Definitely worth $14.98."—J.J. Abrams
  • "If I were banished to a deserted island and could only take one book it wouldn't be this one because there would be no one to use all these smart, valuable, and hilarious tips on."—Blake Griffin
  • "I'm obsessed with this book! Using profanity and profundity to find love? Sign me up!"—Sophia Bush
  • "This book is fun, funny, and so helpful! I'm reading it during a date right now and it's going great! We're having dinner and we're vibing hard! Now he's paying for dinner, and we're in the cab going back to his place! Now we're in his place, sealing the deal! Awesome!"—Megan Amram
  • "Read this book if you like laughing and you don't want to die alone."—Judy Greer
  • "Though the book is full of stick-figure drawings and silly dialogue and scenarios, the message is clear: people don't know proper dating etiquette anymore. It's a modern-day problem, and this book is one reminder that single folks can always be better people about it, so long as they pay attention and try."—W magazine
  • "This illustrated guide to dating tips and rules will prepare you for anything that comes your way in the dating department."—BuzzFeed
  • "A collection of hilarious dating tips that will comfort anyone who's ever had a terribly confounding experience on a date."—Elite Daily
  • "This book is the perfect release for anyone who's fed up with the dating scene. It will definitely make you laugh."—Bustle

On Sale
Oct 17, 2017
Page Count
160 pages
Hachette Books

Ben Schwartz

About the Author

Ben Schwartz is an Emmy Award-winning writer, actor, and comedian. He’s starred in the television shows House of Lies and Parks and Recreation as well as the films This Is Where I Leave You and The Walk. He is the co-author of the national bestseller Grandma’s Dead: Breaking Bad News with Baby Animals and its two sequels.

Laura Moses is an Emmy Award-less writer for both film and television, whose credits include Married on FX, the 50th Anniversary of A Charlie Brown Christmas, and several animated feature films. She is the co-author of the soon-to-be national bestseller Things You Should Already Know About Dating, You F*cking Idiot. In her spare time, she enjoys yoga, volunteering, and reading Ben’s bio.

Learn more about this author