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Stark Raving Dad
Poems for the Frazzled Parent in All of Us
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Let’s be honest: Most gifts for Dad usually end up being a golf club or a tie. But what about the Dad in desperate need of a laugh? Give him reassurance he’s not the only father trying to figure it all out.
Over the years Sanderson Dean has turned all his fatherly angst into poetry, accompanied by crudely drawn images by his children. But before your eyes glaze over at the word “poetry,” you should know it’s more hapless than highbrow. From surviving road trips to being puked on, and from plunging clogged toilets to finding Craisins in the couch cushions, Sanderson covers many of the rarely talked about adventures that make the journey of parenthood so very exciting.
Excerpt
INTRODUCTION
Dear Dad,
Fatherhood is an amazing adventure. Unfortunately, by the fourth sleepless night, you probably won’t remember any of it. Suddenly you’ll have a lot on your hands—like germs, spit-up, and probably snot. Only a strong sense of self-preservation can get you through. That, and conveniently overlooking loaded diapers.
Sadly, kids don’t come with instructions—and frankly, we probably wouldn’t read them anyway. In my case, the kids wouldn’t sleep. They wouldn’t eat. They wouldn’t stop crying. They kept making messes. And they still don’t flush the toilet. (Sound familiar?)
After years of listening to my whining, my wife challenged me to do something more constructive with my angst. And now you’re reading it! Everything here is based on real life, real joy, and real torment. Even the artwork is real—compliments of my kids.
Inspiration came one afternoon while plunging a toilet… for the second time that day. When I shared “Ode to the Plungerman” with my family, it was an instant hit. Apparently, everyone loves to laugh at Dad’s pain. Now, after more than four years of capturing all my experiences in the form of poems, I feel like it’s time to share my bitter, cathartic humor with all the other Stark Raving Dads out there. Misery loves company, and let’s face it: you’re not the only frazzled parent picking Craisins out of your couch cushions.
Welcome to the club,
Your Fellow Frazzled Dad
CHAPTER 1:
TAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF & OTHER MYTHS
Okay, so you’re a parent. Now what? There’s no manual. There’s no do-overs. And there’s definitely no breaks. These are poems about those quiet times… when Dad realizes there’s also no escape.
Go with the flow.
But keep your plunger handy.
Stark Raving Dad (Adage)
ARE YOU LISTENING?
My wife finally made her point
It took forever
She—
No you can’t have that
Said—
What are you guys getting into?
That—
Stop hitting your brother
I—
Wait, is that gum?
Need—
I’ll help you in a second
To—
Give me the stick
Listen—
Where’d you get that?
Better
LOVING HANDS
Always grabbing
Always clinging
Always sticking
Where have they been?
What have they touched?
When were they clean?
Now they’re here
Rubbing my face
Your hands letting me know
We share everything
Like your runny nose
KING FOR A MINUTE
Here I sit upon the throne
How I wish I was alone
First comes one kid, then the cat
Then comes pounding
What was that?
It used to be a quiet time
A place of solace, not a crime
No one questioning whilst I sat
Now everyone’s wondering
Where I’m at
I miss the past, when mine was mine
Including all my bathroom time
More frantic knocking
C’mon, what’s wrong?
I mumble that I won’t be long
LOVE & PUKE
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I’m too numb
For it to matter
Liquid spreads across my chest
Drips that haven’t come to rest
I wipe your tears
I share your sighs
Two weary souls
With muffled cries
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you’re sick
I hug you close
And feel us stick
THE DIAPER AISLE
I stare
Lost in the glare
Of bright, fluorescent light
So many options, so many offers
So many pitfalls late at night
So many sizes, so many styles
So many selections to get right
So many categories, so many colors
So many covers to compute
So many containers, so many catchers
So many collectors—for poop
THE PROBLEM SOLVER
The future looks up at me
With a hopeful smile
And the question sits
The charge of parental duty
For more rainbow sprinkles
Or temper fits
These choices in life
Define us
And tension mounts
These tests of resolve
Shape us
And seconds count
The moment tense
I can’t be wrong
My decision swift—
Go ask Mom
SUNDAY MORNING WAKE-UP CALL
A footstep
A giggle
A jump on the bed
A moan
A crash
A thump in the head
A scream
A bark
A cereal spill
A fight
A bite
A threat to kill
A screech
A curse
A bang on the wall
A grumble
A groan
Arise—
To your Sunday morning wake-up call
Genre:
- "Funny, relatable poems on what it's really like to be a parent. I laughed. Then I curled up in the fetal position."—James Breakwell, author of Only Dead on the Inside and Bare Minimum Parenting
- "The sh!t that drives parents crazy . . . in poetry form! This is laugh-out-loud fun for everyone."—Dawn Dais, bestselling author of The Sh!t No One Tells You: A Guide to Surviving Your Baby's First Year
- "Everything about Stark Raving Dad demands to be read -- the hilarious kid art, the all-too-recognizable moments of parenting, even the layout. I recommend that parents lock themselves in the bathroom with Sanderson's book, stealing moments of sanity."—Leanne Shirtliffe, author of Don't Lick the Minivan and Mommyfesto
- "The poems in Stark Raving Dad are witty and hilarious. It's the perfect book for Dad to sneak into the bathroom to keep him entertained during his 45-minute-long poops. (Seriously, why do Dads take so long to poop?)"—Deva Dalporto, MyLifeSuckers
- On Sale
- May 7, 2019
- Page Count
- 128 pages
- Publisher
- Running Press
- ISBN-13
- 9780762493609
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