Super Soccer Freak Show

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In memory of Dan Hooker, super agent and believer in Grampa

Special thanks to:

Ashley & Carolyn Grayson, Suppasak Viboonlarp, Mark Mayes, Jim Jeong, Joe Kocian, Hiland Hall, Steve Deline, Jackie Greed, the mezz crew-Woo Woo!

Andrea, Sangeeta, Saho, Alison, Elizabeth, Tina and the Little, Brown crew-hooray!

And a super deep-dish thanks with extra cheese to Diane and Corey Scroggs and Harold and Betty Aulds.

CHAPTER 1

Pick a Card, Any Card

Ladies and Gentlemen, members of the press, and dog lovers everywhere… BEWARE! I, Madame Wiley, have consulted the tarot cards, gazed into my crystal ball, read the star charts, and checked the Internet, and they all say the same thing.… He who cracks open this book shall be doomed forever!

If you foolishly decide to proceed, I suggest you pack your silver bullets and, of course, a fresh pair of drawers. The creatures of the night await you…

We begin our story with the gruesome transformation of a man into a werewolf! Please take note of the bulging eyes, the uncontrollable drool, and the slimy, sweaty skin.

No, wait! That's just Coach Haunch, the surly, burly coach of the Gingham County Cracklins, the state's 100th-ranked soccer team–out of 50.

"You kids quit being rowdy on the bus!" screamed Coach Haunch. "I've only had one cup of coffee today and you hooligans are working my last nerve!"

That's me, Wiley, and my best friend, Jubal, winners of the Least Valuable Player Awards for three years straight. If we look nervous, there's a good reason–our bus was on its way to Carpathian County, where we would face the most dreaded team in all of Texas–the Carpathian Coyotes!

Carpathian County was Texas's least popular vacation destination–a dreary mud puddle of a place known for its high crime rate, terrible weather, and old women with facial hair.

The Carpathian Coyotes were the state's top soccer team, and the players were famous for their monstrous abilities.

"Some folks say the Coyotes devoured the last team that challenged them," said Chucky Frewer, our team's star kicker.

"Others say they use a stuffed human head for a soccer ball!" said Bjorn Dasher, the team goalie.

"I hear their players aren't even human. They're made from the parts of other kids, sewn together by a mad scientist!" said Scrawny Mitchell, team marketing consultant.

"Now! Now!" said Coach Haunch. "We all know those frightening and outlandish stories are absolutely 100 percent TRUE, but that won't stop us from having a good time!"