Over It

Introduction

WHAT’S YOUR “IT”?

Okay, so let’s be real, y’all.

And I don’t mean “let’s share safe surfacy socially acceptable stuff.” Like, I’m so over that. And we’ve all done it. In small group on Wednesday night, or the Zoom Bible study, or even coffee dates with friends. The topics that are like “I just feel like I should be spending more time in my devos.” Or “I should really try to be more organized and stay ahead of laundry, so it doesn’t consume me.” Or this one: “I should really start working out more because these other moms are seemingly finding time for self-care and it’s probably important.” Or “I’m just a stay-at-home mom, so I should try to pursue something on the side so I feel like I’m contributing more.”

Nah, girl. Let me paint the real scene for you: I’m sitting here with no makeup on, greasy hair that hasn’t been washed since last Saturday probably because #momlife, and in the same yoga pants I’ve worn the last four days in a row. But I’m across the couch from you, eye to eye, about to dump all my deepest insecurities and the lies I tell myself every day, a bunch of reasons I’m not enough. See if any of these hit home for you too:

My guess is that you probably either resonate with some (or maybe even all) of those things or you’re going, Geez, girl, you got ISSUES (tell me something I don’t know).

For real, though, that list? It pretty much sums up the things I’ve told myself for most of my life. Just rereading it now makes me tired. Like, it’s exhausting. And the thing that every freaking line of that fifteen-item list has in common can be boiled down to two words: false expectations. Soul-grinding, depression-inducing expectations I’ve placed on myself or allowed to be placed on me by the world.

So, no. I’m not a have-it-all-together author standing up here writing to you down there. And really, if I’m being honest, I’m not even qualified to write a book telling other women how to think, live, or feel. So, breathe—because I’m not going to should on you. Culture does that to us incessantly. I’m not going to be another echo chamber getting all up in your business telling you what you should do, be, or think. And besides, we do that enough to ourselves every day. Amiright?

Before we dig in, I want to let you know why I decided to write this book in the first place. I honestly felt like it was a culmination of a lot of hard years colliding with the courage to finally share my story in hopes it might help someone else… maybe you. In fact, a couple of years ago, before the idea to write it was ever born, a friend asked me how I would describe my life over the last decade or so in one word. I hardly even had to think about it before I saw the word come to mind in bold letters: hard. Don’t get me wrong; there have been plenty of incredible mountaintop experiences that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, but so much of the last dozen years resembles a pattern of long, dark seasons strung together by occasional bright ones here or there.

So one of the reasons for writing was for my own health. I needed to get out of my head and heart and get down on paper what I had been through, what I had learned, and where I wanted to go. For me. From there, I started to realize that the more I told my story—the story you are about to read—the more stories I received from people like you who resonate with it. By simply sharing my pain and being as open and vulnerable as possible, I made a connection with other women (mainly) who, like me, desperately wanted out from underneath the suffocating pressure of performance and expectation. Just like the title says, they, like me, were over it.

Over the guilt.

Over the shame.

Over the second-guessing.

Over the self-hatred.

Over the pervasive need to be perfect.

Just. Over. IT!

In some ways, this is more a narrative than it is a “teaching” book. I’m not a therapist, pastor, or counselor. In fact, my hope is that as you read my story, it will be more like sitting under a blanket across from each other on the couch talking over a cup of coffee. Just sharing our stories, our hopes, and our dreams like best friends.

Right up front there’s something I need you to know. I was raised in a very loving, tight-knit family. My parents were—and are—incredible people who’ve truly loved me unconditionally every step of the way and have given me space and freedom to step into my true self. They’re still my husband’s, Caleb, and my best friends on the planet. And they are phenomenal grandparents to our two boys, Emmett and Beckett, and our daughter, Collins.

But juxtaposed with that, however, was the conservative cultural bubble I was raised in. Evangelical, embedded with a lot of silent expectations—like, I was born into this invisible river of expectations. If you were raised in a Christian environment, you will probably relate to some or a lot of my story. Yes, I did learn about a Jesus who is real and loving and whose love for me is unconditional. And at the same time, another subtle but very different message was at play: If you do the right things, say the right things, and act the right way, you will prove yourself to be a “good” Christian and God will not withhold from you His blessings.

Was that message preached from the pulpit? No. Did my parents raise me to believe that? Absolutely not. But the conservative American Christian culture that shaped me most certainly modeled that message. And it had a deep, lingering, and damaging effect on me (as you will see).

But I want to make something crystal clear—this is not an ax-grinding, “why the church is terrible” book. Not even a little bit. I have a deep love for the church to this day. But this is the story of a girl who came to believe—wrongly—that her worth was measured more by who she was, not whose she was. And I was shaped by an unspoken set of rules and standards of conduct and behavior.

So, yes, conservative Christian culture had its flaws and laid some of the groundwork for the expectations I tried to live up to initially. But you want to know what it’s grown into? You want to know what else has spoken into the silent expectations us girls are hit with every day in real time? The current culture we’re living in now. The curated, Photoshopped, idealistic culture that screams at us and hits us from every angle, everywhere we turn.

The messages are loud and clear. Today’s culture tells us exactly what we’re supposed to be: what our bodies should look like, where our beauty and worth lie, our level of success based on what we can offer the world, how we should interact with others, and what our relationships with them should look like. It tells us what to eat, what to wear, how to carry ourselves, how to raise our children, what makeup to use, how often we should work out, and what our goals should be.

The world is very clear about these expectations—do everything and look good doing it. Be a perfect career woman, wife, mom, daughter, friend, sister, and so on. Balance it all with grace and ease. Be attractive, but not too sexy. Be confident, but not too loud. Pursue your goals, but also raise perfect kids. Work out and eat right, but be comfortable in your own skin. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you, but be accommodating and polite no matter what. Look put-together, but don’t be vain.

Like, here’s an example of one of my typical “working-day-in-the-life” schedules of this usual stay-at-home mom:

PSYCH! Here’s what it actually looks like on days that I’m working (video shoots, recording days, etc.):

You guys. This is what a work day actually looks like for me.

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Like, it’s not great. I want to be able to do it all and do it all well. I want to be able to work, be a mom and wife, connect with friends, and have time for self-care—but how? On most days it’s impossible. I wind up falling into bed before 10:30 p.m., utterly exhausted, defeated, and feeling inadequate on all fronts. I just can’t live up to all the expectations I feel every day. It’s crippling.

Anybody feel me here?

But I’m here to tell you guys I’m learning—and starting to break free from the feeling of being weighed down by it all.

Before we dive in further, I am going to give you a few major spoilers here—but I think it’s a good jumping-off point:

Close your eyes and think of your “it” (don’t roll your eyes at me, just do it for a minute). The thing you’re leaning into that’s sucking the life out of you. The expectations you’re trying to live up to but you’re failing miserably at. Maybe it’s what other people think of you. Maybe it’s a betrayal. Maybe it’s a dark secret you’re keeping because you have to look like you’ve got it together. Maybe it’s a broken relationship. A crippling death. A diagnosis of disease. A lost dream. An addiction. A body image issue. Maybe it’s a past regret that keeps you up at night. If you’re anything like me, it might be several “its” strung together… I mean, you read my list. But they eat at you. Take up space and energy in your heart and mind. You can’t shake them. You can’t seem to break free of them.

Because the truth is: We’re human. We’re multifaceted. We’re messy, and most of us have lots of issues—very rarely is it just one. So, I’m here for it. Hit me with your list. I promise you’ll get the full story of mine and the consequences of them the more you read on.

One more thing before we start: Even if your list is enormous—as in, a Mount Freaking Everest of pain and heartbreak and darkness within you—there is hope, I promise. Trust me, I’ve been the girl who wanted to throw it all away once.

So make a deal with me. Will you open your heart up to at least the possibility of hope for where you’re at right now? Will you open yourself up to the idea that you’re already loved? That you’re already enough? That you don’t have to keep living under the paralyzing standards culture and society rub in our faces every day? That there’s a better way of living, learning, and loving if we only open our eyes and see our inherent worth?

More than anything, I want to thank you and encourage you. Thank you for trusting me enough to go on this journey with me. I’m just a little ol’ transplanted Midwestern girl telling her story—but in some ways, it represents all of our stories. And, yeah, I do want to encourage you. Even if you’ve been abandoned by everyone who’s ever loved you or whom you’ve ever loved. Because even then, you’re not alone. You’re already loved, and nothing you do can change that.

So cheers to this wild ride we’re about to go on together.