Tell Me What You Want

Introduction

The Largest Survey of Sexual Fantasies in America

In the pages that follow, I will offer an analysis of the largest-ever survey of Americans’ sexual fantasies, which will show how psychology, evolution, and culture shape not just what we fantasize about but who we want to be with and how we see ourselves. I have identified seven major themes that characterize the nature of sexual desire in America today, each of which I’ll explore in detail, carefully describing their primary features (with details drawn from the actual fantasy narratives submitted by survey participants) and their underlying psychology. I’ll use my survey results to help you better understand why some things are a turn-on to some but a turn-off to others.

This book is built around a massive survey of more than 350 questions taken by more than four thousand Americans, including persons from all fifty states. Although the sample is not necessarily representative of the US population, it does consist of an incredibly diverse group of individuals. Participants ranged in age from eighteen to eighty-seven and had occupations spanning everything from cashiers at McDonald’s to homemakers to physicians to lawyers. The group included all sexual and gender identities, political and religious affiliations, and relationship types, from singles to swingers.

This study is unique not just for the size and diversity of the sample but also for the scope of the survey itself and what it can tell us. In addition to being queried in great detail about their biggest sexual fantasy of all time, participants were asked how frequently they fantasize about hundreds of different people, places, and things. Included in this were a wide range of sexual acts and settings, body parts and objects, as well as specific persons, from porn stars to celebrities to politicians. In addition, participants were asked to carefully describe what the typical men and women in their fantasies look like, from their height, weight, race, and hair color to the presence or absence of pubic hair to the size of their breasts and genitals. Detailed sexual histories, psychological profiles, and demographic characteristics were also collected. All in all, this survey offers an unprecedented look into our fantasy worlds and what they reveal about us. Below are just a few of the many key insights:

The bulk of this book focuses on participants’ biggest sexual fantasies of all time. Believe it or not, one in five women and one in ten men said that just thinking about their biggest fantasy has brought them to orgasm before, independent of any genital stimulation. Talk about a major turn-on! But it’s not just that—these fantasies represent most people’s plans and yearnings for their future sex lives. More than three-quarters of the men and women I surveyed hope to eventually act on their favorite sexual fantasies. If we want to understand what Americans truly desire, their biggest fantasies therefore provide an excellent vantage point. As we explore them in detail, I will ask questions such as: What is the psychology behind this fantasy? If you have this fantasy, what does that say about your personality and sexual history? Are we evolutionarily programmed for this desire?

The book will also look at what happens when people share their fantasies with others and, further, what happens when people go as far as to act upon their deepest desires. In many cases, this can be beneficial for you, your partner, and your relationship. To that end, I will offer practical considerations for those who want to share their fantasies, as well as advice for those who want to act them out in a safe way. Although there are certainly benefits to be had in sharing and/or acting upon your fantasies, there are risks involved, too, and I’ll be sure to discuss those. I’ll also make it clear which fantasies should never be acted upon and when someone should consider professional help managing their sexual desires. Finally, I’ll take a broader look at what we as individuals and as a society can do to bring our fantasies closer to reality while maximizing personal happiness and public health. Keep in mind that with great sex comes great responsibility—we must balance our pursuit of sexual gratification with concern for the health and well-being of both ourselves and our partners.

How the Science of Sexual Desire Can Improve Your Sex Life and Relationship

My goal in sharing these survey results is not simply to titillate readers with people’s deepest—and sometimes darkest—sexual secrets. You may certainly be titillated at times, but my bigger hope is that you will walk away with a greater understanding of the nature of sexual desire and, potentially, use that information to enhance your own sexual and romantic life.

Too many Americans have distorted perceptions about which sexual desires are “normal” and the types of things that “should” turn them on, leading them to censor the vast majority of their urges and wants. This stems from the fact that accurate information about sex and sexual desire is hard to come by in the United States these days, owing in large part to an embarrassingly poor school-based sex-education system. Many students receive no sex education at all, and those who do are often subject to a curriculum riddled with scientific inaccuracies and falsehoods that focuses more on teaching students how to avoid sex than how sex happens. As I write this, just twenty-four states and the District of Columbia mandate sex education, and even fewer require the information given to be medically accurate.¹ That’s right—some states require sex education but don’t care whether the information provided is even correct!

Obviously, there are numerous problems with these courses, but one of the biggest is that they neglect the issue of sexual desire almost entirely. We are taught only what people are supposed to want, not what people actually want when it comes to sex. The end result is that when most Americans start having sex, their knowledge about it, and about which sexual feelings and practices are “normal,” tends to be very low. Our reluctance to teach students any sexual communication skills other than “just say no” has also led to an odd state of affairs in which Americans find it more challenging to talk about sex (even with their own spouse or partner) than to actually have it.

This lack of sexual knowledge and communication ability has profound consequences for our health and happiness. For instance, when we approach sex by acting without really talking or communicating first, it’s inevitable that lines and boundaries will be crossed from time to time—and this may lead to disagreements over whether a given experience was mutually pleasurable and perhaps whether it was even consensual. A poor understanding of sex can also lead to relationship dissatisfaction and conflict. In addition, a restricted view of what is sexually normal can contribute to a lot of sexual hang-ups and insecurities by leading people to perceive their own sexual interests as being outside the mainstream or deviant. These sexual anxieties can, in turn, play a major role in producing difficulties with sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm. Indeed, sex therapists have found that a lack of knowledge, false beliefs, and a fear that one’s sexual desires are abnormal are at the root of many sex problems. Believe it or not, treating such difficulties is often as simple as giving clients permission to act on their desires (assuming they involve consensual sexual activities, of course) and providing them with proper sex education.²

And yet, unfortunately, most adults who believe their sexual interests are unusual never seek sex therapy. Instead, they typically repress those desires and try to carry on a “normal” sex life. This tends to become unsatisfying very quickly, leading to a steep drop-off in desire for sex with one’s partner. Rather than viewing this problem for what it really is—internalized shame about one’s sexuality and a lack of sexual communication—people can readily find doctors who will determine it’s a matter of “low sex drive,” an issue that needs a medical fix rather than a psychological one. Pharmaceutical companies are chomping at the bit to provide a solution, investing heavily in medications such as Addyi (flibanserin) and hormonal therapies expressly designed to stimulate desire for the sex that people stopped having. Big Pharma isn’t alone here—the less regulated world of supplements is trying to cash in on this, too. Unfortunately, all of these pills, patches, and potions fail to address the psychological issues that underlie most sexual problems. The end result is that we wind up taking medications that, at best, might spur us into having mediocre sex more often.

That’s messed up—and it’s probably why the research so far has shown that most medications do little more to increase sexual desire than sugar pills.³ This isn’t surprising when you consider that the real problem for a lot of us isn’t that we lack desire per se; it’s that we lack desire for what we’ve been told we should want when it comes to sex. All too often, we incorrectly label things like sexual confusion and anxiety as low libido. For instance, straight women who have highly arousing lesbian fantasies or straight men who fantasize about sex with a male-to-female transsexual might find themselves distraught over their “real” sexual identity. That anxiety can, in turn, interfere with desire for sex with a partner or spouse and the ability to enjoy it. Individuals facing such situations frequently lack the confidence to explore or even talk about their true sexual desires because they do not know the “right” way to go about it or are worried about being rejected. In such cases, it is easier and less embarrassing to simply complain to a partner or doctor about low sex drive than own up to one’s true desires. But science tells us that these fantasies—your fantasies—are, in all likelihood, perfectly normal and healthy—and once you understand how common your sexual fantasies are, where they come from, and their deeper meaning, you will gain the ability to express your sexual desires to others so that you and your partner (or partners) might ultimately achieve greater sexual fulfillment and develop more emotional intimacy than ever before. To bring back our flagging libidos, then, what we really need to do is stop suppressing our deeper desires. We do not need a pill or even a psychotherapist to do this. We just need permission to share what it is that really turns us on—to tell each other what we want.

Of course, while gaining the confidence to share our desires is important, knowing how to respond appropriately when others share their fantasies with you is just as vital. Many people have approached me over the years, distressed at the discovery of their partners’ seemingly unusual sexual fantasies. Many readers of my work have conveyed their concerns in anonymous emails, but I’ve also been pulled aside at dinner parties and at bars by folks who, upon discovering what I do for a living, consume some liquid courage and ask their questions in person. Why were their partners aroused by the thought of watching them having sex with a stranger, they asked, when they found the same scenario threatening? Or why would anyone think it was hot to dress up like an animal during sex, or get off on fondling or sniffing feet or shoes? To them, the desires their partners had shared were a major turn-off, silly at best, and maybe even disturbing. Many had laughed at or shamed their partners, and more than a few were even contemplating breakup or divorce simply because they did not know how to deal with their partners’ “abnormal” urges. With just a little more understanding of the incredible diversity of human sexual desire and why this diversity exists in the first place, though, they might never have experienced any distress at all and, quite possibly, may have come to see their partners’ disclosure as a valuable opportunity to strengthen mutual trust and intimacy, not to mention a chance to reinvigorate their sex lives.

Ultimately, all of us stand to benefit from having a better understanding of each other’s desires, not just because it can potentially improve our sex lives and relationships but also because the more that we can grow what we as a society think of as “normal” when it comes to sex, the less likely it is that our own sexual desires can be used as weapons against us. One of the many things preventing us from sharing our sexual fantasies in the first place is the fear of what others could potentially do with that information. If we think our own desires are weird—and other people do, too—that gives those who know our secrets the ability to use them as ammunition against us. For instance, they could spread rumors or gossip in an attempt to publicly embarrass us. Even worse, they could do things like engage in blackmail or try to use those desires as grounds for denying parental rights in a child custody case (something that, sadly, happens far more often than you might think).⁴ By expanding our understanding of “normal” sexual desires, we can limit the degree to which sharing our sexual wants with our partners makes us vulnerable to harm.