How to Profit from the Coming Rapture

Take the Rapture Quiz #1
Take the Rapture Quiz #2

Take the Rapture Quiz #1

1. Who will be Raptured?
  1. All Christians, including George W. Bush
  2. All Protestants, including Dick Cheney
  3. All people, of any faith, who have led righteous lives
  4. All people, no matter what despicable acts they have committed or what their previous religious affiliation, who have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. Osama Bin Laden, if he accepts Jesus as his personal savior, will be Raptured up to Heaven.
  5. All people everywhere except Steve and Evie Levy
2. Whom will the Raptured meet in the sky?
  1. Jesus Christ
  2. Santa Claus
  3. Superman
  4. Elvis
  5. All of the above
3. Which of the following is the only sentence in the Bible in which the word rapture(d) appears:
  1. “Know ye, little children, that in an instant you shall be raptured unto heaven, there to abide with the Lord.”
  2. “For the trumpet shall sound, and seventy-and-six trombones catch the morning sun, and an hundred-and-ten cornets be close at hand, and then the faithful shall be raptured unto Jesus, who is Lord.”
  3. “When you snap your finger, or wink your eye, I come a-running to you, there to partake of a rapture unto an angel of the Lord.”
  4. “Let the drums roll out, let the trumpet call, while the people shout, strike up the band, that the dead and then the living shall rise in rapture.”
  5. None of the above; the word rapture does not appear in the Bible.
4. After the Rapture who, by virtue of his or her stunning personal charisma and dynamic leadership qualities, will rise to global power?
  1. Sarah Palin
  2. The Antichrist
  3. Joel Osteen
  4. Barack Obama
  5. No, seriously: Sarah Palin
5. Where will the Antichrist establish his world headquarters?
  1. In the penthouse of the Luxor Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas
  2. In the ruined ancient city of Babylon in the ruined modern nation of Iraq
  3. In the world headquarters of General Motors once it goes out of business
  4. Online, in a brothel in Second Life
  5. In Auxiliary Meeting Room A of the Kwality Sleep Inn in Phoenix
6. What is the Tribulation?
  1. A hip euphemism for a woman’s period
  2. The first rock band to release an album on a flash drive
  3. The hit new Fox TV series from Joss Whedon
  4. The seven-year period of global catastrophe preceding the Second Coming
  5. A provocative new fragrance from Calvin Klein
7. What are the Seven Seals?
  1. A dance crew from Oakland, CA
  2. The most popular animal act ever to appear on The Ed Sullivan Show
  3. Snow White’s new friends from a CGI-animated Disney movie that went straight to video in 2003
  4. The new water-based extravaganza by Cirque du Soleil
  5. A series of scrolls opened by Jesus in Heaven
8. Why is the Antichrist’s number cited in the Book of Revelation as being 666?
  1. It is the Fifth Avenue (NYC) address of the Grand Havana Room, a penthouse cigar bar club to which, the Bible predicts, the Antichrist will be denied membership.
  2. It is an erroneous translation of “sick, sick, sick,” which is how John of Patmos (the author of the Book of Revelation) describes the Antichrist.
  3. It directs our attention to the sixth word in Revelation 6:6 (in), suggesting that the Antichrist will be “in,” or stylish, “hot,” au courant, etc.
  4. It is code for the letters FFF (F being the sixth letter in the English alphabet), which, the Bible predicts, will be the initials of the Antichrist’s name. (Possible candidates: Franklin Foer, editor of The New Republic; Franni Franken, wife of Al Franken; Frances Fitzgerald, author.)
  5. No one knows.
9. What are the Bowl Judgments?
  1. A series of findings by the Pottery Barn Tribunal concerning who has broken, and who owns, what
  2. A new line of single-serving, microwavable hearty-stew products from Campbell’s
  3. The revision of the Rules and Regulations for Tournament Play recently issued by the Governors Board of the Professional Bowlers Tour
  4. A series of calamitous punishments visited on mankind by God, including sores, the seas and rivers turning to blood, scorching sun, the drying up of the Euphrates River, and the greatest earthquake in history
  5. All of the above
10.  To what will the Antichrist and the False Prophet be condemned?
  1. To eternal torment in the Lake of Fire
  2. To watch the same six episodes of Tyler Perry’s House of Payne for a thousand years
  3. To fall down, down, down into a burning ring of fire
  4. To a million years in Sing Sing with the possibility of parole after 650,000 years
  5. To a billion years of community service




Answers

1) d; 2) a; 3) e; 4) b; 5) b; 6) d; 7) e; 8) e; 9) d; 10) a

10 correct: You’re very Rapture Savvy—in fact, we predict you’ll be Raptured up when the time comes.  Be sure to leave your personal belongings to your personal loved ones.  And leave them several copies of this book.  They’ll need it.

7-9 correct: You’re way ahead of the game.  Just keep this book by your bedside and skim through it periodically.  You’ll be on your way to being the Warren Buffet of the Trumpet Judgments unless Warren Buffet is still around.

3-6 correct: You have what our mothers would call “cocktail party knowledge” of the Rapture and the Tribulation.  You can get through a dinner party with it, but when the Seals start opening and the Horsemen start riding, you’ll be toast.  Buy this book, commit it to memory, and then get back to us.

0-2 correct:  Apparently you’ve never even heard of the End Times.  You have two options: either read this book over and over until the Rapture happens, or forget the whole thing, accept Jesus as your personal savior, and hope for the best.

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Take the Rapture Quiz #2

According to the Book of Revelation, after winning the War of the Second Seal, the Antichrist will (at the behest of the False Prophet) require everyone to take his “mark” on either their foreheads or their right hands. This mark is the famous and mysterious number 666. How much do you know about it?

1. How does the Book of Ezekiel say the War of the Second Seal will be conducted?
  1. By nations exchanging thermonuclear weapons
  2. By “nonstate actors” using suitcase bombs, IED’s, and other weapons of terror
  3. By SAG fighting AFTRA using sarcastic e-mails, indignant show-biz blogs, and song parodies
  4. By massed armies of religious fanatics trampling one another and themselves to death
  5. By the Antichrist leading a great company with bucklers and shields, all of them handling swords
2. What benefits will accrue to those who take the Antichrist’s mark?
  1. They will enjoy 10 percent discounts at evil local shops and restaurants, including Blood Bath and Beyond, Drunken Donuts, Holocaustco, Beelzebubway, and The International House of Panics.
  2. They will qualify for a weekly sweepstakes drawing to win a 28 oz. can of tomato sauce.
  3. They will be invited to the Antichrist’s annual “Rededication to Evil” ceremony held at the Verizon Horrordome.
  4. They will win Carl Kasell’s voice on their home answering machine.
  5. They will not have their heads chopped off.
3. What might happen to those who refuse the Antichrist’s mark?
  1. They will be sternly rebuked and “grounded” for the weekend.
  2. They will be forbidden from buying or selling — in our view, with regard to stocks and bonds.
  3. They will be executed via decapitation.
  4. They will be thrown, not into the Bottomless Pit, but into the Extremely Deep Pit.
  5. All of the above except a and d
4. What is our name for those who take the Antichrist’s mark?
  1. The Cool Kids
  2. The Antichristians
  3. The Tattooistas
  4. The Philadelphia Six-Sixty-Sixers
  5. The Take-Its
5. What is our name for those who refuse to take the Antichrist’s mark?
  1. The Liberal Elite
  2. The Clean-Heads
  3. The Christians Still Cranky About Not Having Been Raptured
  4. The Forsake-Its
  5. The Refuseniks
6. What is our name for those who attempt to deceive the Antichrist by creating and displaying a false “666” rather than obtaining the authorized one?
  1. The Pseuds
  2. Les Pretentieuses
  3. The Fake-Its
  4. The Noble, Honest Artisans
  5. The Hippies
7. What industry should you not invest in once billions of people decide that their survival depends on their clearly and unambiguously displaying a three-digit number on their foreheads?
  1. The veil, burka, and chador industry
  2. The Botox, facial, and skin-peel industry
  3. The HAZMAT-suit, SCUBA-suit, and Halloween mask industry
  4. The Sharpies-for-touching-up-your-number industry
  5. All of the above except d
8. Only those who have taken the Antichrist’s mark will be permitted to buy and sell securities; how, then, will the culture of Wall Street be affected once the market is entirely populated by the followers of the most evil person in history?
  1. It will be characterized by rampant greed and manipulation.
  2. It will collapse into a chaos of rivalries and backstabbing.
  3. It will become impeccably honest and ethical.
  4. It will stay just as it is.
  5. All of the above except c
9. What is the main reason not to take the Antichrist’s mark?
  1. The Antichrist will secretly respect your “moxie.”
  2. You’ll look like a nonconformist and a rebel and so forth.
  3. God will punish you with eternal damnation if you do.
  4. Your forehead will be smoother, clearer, and more attractive.
  5. All of the above
10. How should you decide whether to be a Take-It, a Fake-It, or a Forsake-It?
  1. Wait until the time comes and see how you feel.
  2. Take the free Introductory Version of the Levy Mark Metric Preference Index (MMPI) test in our book.
  3. Sign up for the complete 573-question MMPI and, by submitting a proof-of-purchase of our book and by taking advantage of our Early Bird “Pre-Trib” Special (acting before the Tribulation starts), getting the entire thing for a mind-boggling low, low price of only $5.95.
  4. Ask your psychiatrist, psychologist, clergyman, or life coach.
  5. None of the above except maybe b and c, but really mainly b




Answers

1) e; 2) e; 3) e; 4) e; 5) d; 6) c; 7) e; 8) e; 9) c; 10) e

8-10 correct: You are ready to face the issue of taking the Antichrist’s mark. Now all you have to do is make it through the War of the Second Seal.

5-7 correct: You’re somewhat ready to deal with this crucial event. Reading our book wouldn’t kill you, so to speak.

2-4 correct: You need help. Read the book. Twice.

0-1 correct.: Just take the mark. Maybe God will change His mind about you if you ask nicely when the time comes.

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