Author Interview: Returning tonight to continue the...

Returning tonight to continue the series, RECLAIMING OURSELVES AT MIDLIFE, based upon her latest book, If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife is STEPHANIE MARSTON.

This is the fifth in a collaborative series of discussions called: "Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife"

Stephanie is a licensed family therapist with over twenty years experience in women's midlife issues. She is a nationally recognized lecturer and has conducted seminars for more than 100,000 women, parents, and mental health professionals. She frequently delivers keynote addresses, seminars, and workshops to women's organizations and corporations.

Welcome to Power Surge, Stephanie. In your research for your book, did you find women were more willing to talk and explore their inner feelings?

Stephanie Marston: Yes, in researching my book one thing I found that was very heartening is that women are more accepting of themselves at midlife. They seem to be more comfortable in their own skin.

Bikearoux: Lately I've been doubting myself with things I do. Not sure of anything.

Stephanie Marston: Well, that's not uncommon when you're going through a time of transition. We often question everything we've thought and believed in in the past to see if they still fit with where we are now. I think it's an important part of this process.

Bikearoux: Is this normal? It's not like me at all.

Stephanie Marston: Normal! It's positive, I'll say that.

DeAnn: Stephanie, I've done a lot of work on myself, personally over the years and was sailing quite nicely in my 30's. Then I hit 41 and began having anxiety attacks, similar to when I was in my early 20's. I'm, again, starting to journal and do a little work again on what's bothering me and finding that I'm a little more able to get off balance at this time, and get back into anxiety. I must say I was really enjoying the peaceful years of hormonal balance.

Stephanie Marston: Yes, it is disconcerting, but I think in some respects the increased vulnerability is necessary. It's like we're shedding an old skin and when we do that we feel more raw and exposed, but there is more opportunity to get in touch with who we truly are and what's really important to us.

Shen: What do you think of natural hormones?

Stephanie Marston: I'm not a physician, I think you should do what you believe in and what works for your particular body chemistry. Our needs are very individual and specific to our genetic make up and circumstances.

Mary: When you talk about a woman redefining herself and her attractiveness, is it the physical attractiveness, or a discovery of a different type of attractiveness?

Stephanie Marston: It's an attractiveness based on who we are what we've done, our self-confidence, ease and warmth. We now get to step out from the spotlight and tell Madison Ave to take a hike and do what pleases us.

Shen: Is it normal to feel sad at 53?

Stephanie Marston: It's normal to feel sad at any time, but if it lasts for several weeks and becomes debilitating then it's depression and you should seek help. Explore what you're sad about, what's missing in your life, what do you need, how can you get the support and nurturance you deserve.

TCML: Always wanted to a wife and mom. Did that and loved doing it. Now at 53 I'm lost don't know what I want to do with my time. Very confused as to where to start?

Stephanie Marston: Start by taking time everyday as little as 10 min to get quiet and listen to yourself. Start by asking yourself what do I crave, what dreams did I set aside in order to be a devoted wife and mother, what do I now want to reclaim?

TCML: Thanks Stephanie

Newnanna: I find myself resisting this transition (age 51) Big time resistance. Getting older etc.

Stephanie Marston: What are you afraid of? What's your idea of getting older? What does it mean to you?

Newnanna: I just look and feel so much older than 3 years ago.....

Stephanie Marston: Well, that's sometimes hard to deal with, but how can you keep passion and vitality in your life? How can you remain vital and juicy despite your change in appearance?

Mary: Stephanie, how important is it to maintain a sense of humor as we get older?

Stephanie Marston: Essential. I think it's essential at any age, but especially as we go through a transition.

Bikearoux: TCML and I are having the same problem and thanks Stephanie for the help.

Stephanie Marston: You're welcome.

Mary: Why do so many midlife women suddenly find themselves face to face with all their unresolved emotional problems?

Stephanie Marston: We look back over our lives and confront all the unfinished business of our past. it's wants to be resolved and healed. I think that we have to take the time, be accepting and supportive of ourselves as we face our regrets and disappointments. It's about becoming whole and owning all of our disowned parts.

Cynda: Do you consider midlife after you have gone through the change or can it be around middle age?

Stephanie Marston: I consider midlife from approximately 40-58-60 not necessarily connected to menopause.

Cynda: Does that include perimenopause?

Stephanie Marston: Sure. Menopause is the physical aspect of this transition which also has an emotional, psychological and spiritual aspect.

Deeturmnd: I had a very dysfunctional childhood, but managed to come through it with quality counseling. I am now married almost 20 years with two wonderful sons. Last summer I started with anxiety attacks that I only realized after discovering Power Surge web site that I was starting perimenopause. I am now trying to deal with all those issues, along with dealing with my 14 year old son's puberty. It seems we are clashing all the time hormones vs. hormones! Any recommendations?

Stephanie Marston: You are both dealing with raging hormones and it's often rough perhaps it would be helpful to consult a doctor about the panic attacks or a therapist if need be.

I don't understand what you're asking. Ah, I get it. Yes, make sure you disengage, no easy task, but take time to calm down before you respond to your son. No use both jumping in the hole together. Talk about things when you're both calm that's important.

Deeturmnd: Yes, I'm seeing therapist. Hard to handle the immediate impulses. Thanks!

Stephanie Marston: I agree, but you're the grown up even though it doesn't always feel like that important to control the impulses or leave the room to let off steam first.

Mary: You said, "In my seminars, I ask women what was your dream before you stopped dreaming?" At what point in life do women abandon their dreams? Can every woman reclaim them?

Stephanie Marston: Women are more often than not reclaiming their dreams at midlife. They're less willing to put themselves on the back burner and put everyone else's needs before their own. Yes, every woman should reclaim their lost needs and dreams.

Mary: It's about time, right? :)

Stephanie Marston: Amen!

Bikearoux: What's makes us feel so unable to cope, like not feeling connected to ourselves?

Stephanie Marston: Perhaps years of ignoring ourselves, putting everyone first and ourselves last or not at all. it's part of being a woman in this culture. We're supposed to be selfless, nurturing caring, but not towards ourselves. That can make it difficult to connect with ourselves and our needs.

Donna: Do we have to act our age or act how we feel?

Stephanie Marston: You don't have to do anything that doesn't feel true to yourself. there are obviously some exceptions, but for the most part, the important thing is to be who you really are, no matter what.

Donna: I feel I don't act 52. I feel younger than that, although my body feels that age.

Stephanie Marston: So what, is it a problem? We all have a wild girl who is about 7-11 inside and she has to at least a good part of the time take center stage in our lives.

Mary: How does one make that shift from never thinking about her mortality to suddenly feeling it show itself in so many areas of her life?

Stephanie Marston: It's a big adjustment and a lesson in surrender. We can no longer take our bodies for granted. We have to attend to them and care for them in a way we may never have before. We realize just how dependent we are on our bodies to function and be active so it's a shift, but a necessary and worthwhile one.

The thing about mortality can be good news in that we feel a greater sense of urgency and that can shake us up.

HSpec: it has been said that we are the women of the ore generation. taking care of our children and now faced with taking care of our aging and sometimes infirm parents. it's hard to find that time for ourselves. how do we cope with these facts?

Stephanie Marston: Yes, it can be difficult, but that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't do it. In fact, in order to do all the caretaking that's required you must take care of yourself so your tank remains full. It doesn't have to be a big deal. A hot bath, a walk in the woods, lunch with a friend, a good book. simple, but nurturing things.

HSpec: thanks

Stephanie Marston: Welcome

bkd: Turning 50 in summer; 16 years in job I don't want to do anymore, but can't seem to get it together to put myself out there in the job market. How does one get over that fear?

Stephanie Marston: Start to make a plan. start to explore other possibilities. Make a plan and reassure yourself that you're not going to do anything until you have enough info and feel clear about what your next step is. Honor your fear, but don't let it stop you.

Irene: One of the things I find most disconcerting is when I'm involved in things and am feeling excited and happy about new projects and the future and then out of nowhere comes this fear about the future. Almost a feeling of time running out. Is this something that other women have reported feeling?

Stephanie Marston: Sure, being faced with limited time can be unsettling. Ask yourself what am I afraid of and then begin to address that fear directly. Perhaps you're afraid you won't do the things you want to do or say the things you want to say to those you love. Do those things.

Donna: Not sure this is a question. I had an injury at my job. Just when I had been doing my career for 2 long. Not a injury that was unmanageable just that I can't work anymore. I feel it was a blessing in disguise. Now I am doing the things I have wanted to do for a very long time.It feels like a new time for me. I guess what I am asking is this normal. I was a dental hygienist for 30 years.

Stephanie Marston: Count your blessings. What's the big deal about normal anyway? What is normal? It's different for everyone. What's important is what feels right for you. What in your heart. What's your dream and how do you fulfill it? Forget normal.

Donna: It does feel right at this point of my life.

Stephanie Marston: Great

Newnanna: Stephanie, this has been very nurturing for me. Helps me to forward focus in a healthy way.

Stephanie Marston: I'm so glad. thanks.

Callie: I find that I'm much more unsure of the future since I have become allergic to, or else have side effects to most of the antibiotics I used to be able to take. Am very allergic to penicillin, vancomycin, floxin, and sulfa, and have nasty side effects from azithromycin and erythromycin. The only one I seem to be able to tolerate now is clindamycin. I had to take it for a serious staph infection this winter.

Now the doctor says I have to avoid people with strep throats, or anything that might mean I need an antibiotic. But I need an antibiotic even for routine dental work because of mitral valve problems. So every time I go out, I worry about getting something that will require an antibiotic to get well. Being around sick people scares me because I feel that if I become allergic to clindamycin, I won't have much left as a safety net and could actually die from pneumonia or a strep throat.

My doctor isn't much help. Just keeps telling me to take clindamycin when I need it. I need to talk to someone who might know of alternative antibiotics, just in case I ever need one. I feel trapped and scared much of the time. Does anyone know where I could get some answers and advice?

Mary: Remember, Stephanie isn't a medical doctor.

Callie: I know, but I really need some advice.

Stephanie Marston: No, I'm not a doctor but perhaps it's time to consult an alternative medicine practitioner.

Stephanie Marston: Where do you live?

Callie: I was thinking of an infectious disease specialist.

Stephanie Marston: There should be resources in most major metro areas. Why not? Do what you need to do to feel comfortable.

Callie: I live near Madison, WI

Stephanie Marston: Madison is a great university town. There should be lots of resources.

Callie: Wish I knew where to look.

Stephanie Marston: Call the university for starts. Ask friends. Start to network. Just start.

Callie: Have been to two other doctors, who just tell me to go back to my own doctor. The runaround.

Stephanie Marston: Callie, don't give up.

Donna: I don't really have any dream, just not having any pressures. And taking one day at a time. Do you think I should have some kind of dream? People keep asking what are you going to do now? I have no answer.

Stephanie Marston: Donna, you need to rely on yourself and what you think is right for you. that's what's most important. No one knows what you should or shouldn't have except you. If you feel content for now celebrate that.

Donna: I really am quite content with my life right now.

Stephanie Marston: Then that's what's important. Stand strong in that.

Kit: I turned 50 in Nov/ 2001 and I just changed careers - got a real estate license and started my new job last week. Its very exciting - I highly recommend it. Its possible to live to be 100 so I'm only at the half way point!

Callie - subscribe to Prevention Magazine. It has a lot of info on medical and alternative medicine.

Stephanie Marston: Great idea.

Sissyq: You talked about reclaiming your dreams at this age. What if you had a dream and it never happened?

Stephanie Marston: Revisit it and see if it's remained the same or changed.

Mary: Stephanie, what a wonderful and empowering chat about women at midlife. I strongly recommend everyone read Stephanie's beautifully written book, If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife. Also, be sure to visit Stephanie's Web site at www.stephaniemarston.com.

Please join me in thanking Stephanie Marston, author of If Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife (AOL Time Warner Book Group).

Disclaimer: Every guest in Power Surge is a highly respected professional whose opinions are his/her own. An appearance in Power Surge does not constitute an endorsement of a guest's views.

None of these transcripts may be reprinted or reproduced without the express permission of Power Surge™ and the respective guest.

Copyright©1994-2002 by Power Surge. All Rights Reserved.