How to Write A Nonbook

When I sat down to write my first book, I was faced with a dilemma.  In general, there are two kinds of books in the world.  There are fiction books, or “novels,” as the literati call them.  Writing a novel requires the writer to do shit like create unique believable characters and structure a coherent plot.  I am terrible at both of those things. 

And, even if I were good at them, writing a great novel is something that can take a writer years, nay decades, to perfect.  It requires a writer who is singularly devoted to the craft, a writer who is never willing to settle for the first thing that comes to his or her mind, a writer who is willing to revise his or her work again and again and again.

And holy shit, am I not that writer.  That sounds hard as fuck.  I got other shit I wanna do, you know.  Sometimes the Vikings are on.  I’m not getting any writing done when that’s happening.  Let some other pretentious asshole write the next “Corrections,” thank you very much.

The other kind of book is a nonfiction book.  Writing a nonfiction book requires research.  You have to go to, like, the library and shit.  You have to interview people, and then painstakingly transcribe every single word they say.  You have to gather mountains of qualitative and quantitative data, and then you must sift through that data to build a compelling story and/or political argument.

Again, that sounds really shitty. 

So you see my dilemma.  I had to write a book, but I lacked both the imagination and the tireless work ethic to write either a fiction book or a nonfiction book.

I needed a plan.  I needed to write a book that would ask barely anything either of myself, or of the reader.  And that is why I, Drew Magary, have created an entirely new kind of book.  An innovation that will change the publishing industry as we know it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the nonbook.

I have taken the early forms of nonwriters such as Bill O’Reilly and Jose Canseco and elevated them into something that is totally innovative in its uselessness.  My book, Men With Balls, is the first real nonbook ever written.  It features no facts of any kind.  I made them all up, or, if I was too lazy to even make them up, I found them on Wikipedia.  It also features no discernible plot or characters.  Again, this was by design.

By freeing myself of the requirements needed to write a good book, I was able to write a book.  And collect my advance. 

And that is awesome.

People, I submit to you that nonbooks are our future.  No young American consumer wants to read books or watch movies that are “challenging” or “difficult.”  That’s totally gay.  They simply wish to be OCCUPIED.  And, by God, I have created a book that will do just that.

You’re welcome.

Copyright © 2008 by Drew Magary